Basically Everything You Do Is Wrong and Also #%*$^% You (Whole50, Day 24)

Gird your loins. I have to get this off my fucking chest.

So yesterday being Tuesday, I posted the following photo-thingy on Instagram and cross-posted it to Facebook and Twitter:

It's #TransformationTuesday! Enjoy a couple of side-by-side shots from the last few years (and bonus photobomb by Hector 🐱) It's an ongoing adventure and it has its ups and downs, but I'm proud of how far I've come and every day I'm inspired (by all of YOU) to keep working and stay strong! Don't give up on yourselves. #FitFam #weightloss #Whole30 #fitnessjourney #beforeandafter #beforeandafterweightloss (Side note: this isn't really AFTER. This is DURING.) 😉💖

A post shared by Dana Morgan (@danacordelia) on Mar 28, 2017 at 3:38pm PDT

In general it's gotten lots of positive attention, which made me smile, and some people even said they were trying Whole30-style eating because they'd seen me have success with it. So, that felt good.

Then I got a private Facebook message.

There's a woman with whom I have a ton of mutual (theatre) friends, who is very active on social media and I have read and enjoyed her musings before. She struck me as a very body-positive, girl-power, geeky feminist so that made me happy. A while back we had an encounter where I posted a before-and-after photo and she immediately posted on her wall an open letter to "someone" where they could get off, for apparently posting an after photo that asserted that fat women were gross and worthless. Did I mention this woman is a plus-size beautiful woman? IT SHOULDN'T MATTER, but she is.

I responded at the time by posting this on my wall:

TL;DR I don't hate fat people, myself included, and you're stupid for jumping to that conclusion.

I think it's pretty clear, actually. And I know she read (or at least skimmed) it, because she replied to it in the comments.

So yesterday I get a series of Facebook messages, jumping off with the fact that she saw my before-and-after photos pop up right under a post from "an awesome black feminist" decrying the damaging effects of weight-loss culture. And she went on from there. 

FIRST. OF. ALL. That order of posts in your newsfeed is a combination of coincidence, dumb luck, and Facebook's advertising algorithms. I did not attempt to sabotage the feminist post I knew nothing about.

SECOND, if you read the next under the fucking photo collage (or next to it, in the case of Facebook) you will see NOTHING negative. I talk about strength, fitness, etc. but I don't use words like "fat" or "thin" because that's all relative anyway (I've lost weight, sure, but I'M STILL FAT NOW, YOU FUCKING MORON, and I still struggle with both cosmetic and health-related issues having to do with my weight.)

THIRD: you are not interested in changing my mind, you are not interested in educating me, you are not interested in making Facebook a safer place EVEN FOR YOURSELF (or you would have clicked away from my post and not said a fucking word.) You wanted to knock me off my happy perch. You saw a positive post full of smiley faces that was getting attention from people you knew, and you wanted to wipe the smile off my face. 

And you know what? I've been there. I've wanted to do that, myself. And I didn't. You know why?

Because I am a goddamn motherfucking card-carrying adult, and I treat people with respect.

I have PLENTY of friends who post too much of their lives on Facebook. Sometimes I even find myself rolling my eyes when a girlfriend goes on and on (and on) about her boyfriend or her job or the new house she just bought. I get envious just like anyone else. Have I gossiped or bitched about it to my trusted friends? Of course I have, I'm human. But if a friend of mine gets engaged or pregnant or whatthefuckever and shares it on social media, I'm not going to leave her some reply (public or private) going "You know...you should really consider who you're hurting when you post things like this. There are many single people who despair of ever getting married, and you're just furthering the cultural stereotype that women need men to be complete, that they were bred to be mothers and homemakers, you're crippling femme culture, et cetera" because why on earth would someone do that, except to spread their own insecurity and bad mood around?

In our (very limited) conversation she called to attention (several times) that she is raising two little girls. She cites this often as the reason she so hates "weight-loss culture" which is...I guess...I assume she means fat-shaming and general bias towards skinny people? Which is not the same thing as people losing weight for health reasons? She is raising children.

Somehow if one of them was like "mom I want to wear these amazing shoes today because they're pretty and make me happy"... I don't picture her lecturing this child on how it contributes to the sexualization of minors, the stereotype that women are decorative, or anything like that.

Because she loves her kids and wouldn't want to kill their joy. That is the only reason she reached out to me: to stop the happy feeling I was having, and to let me know that my posting on my Facebook wall about my own accomplishment, made her feel bad inside.

Despite having nothing. WHATSOEVER. To do with her.

And you know what--I'm done. I don't have to impress people like that. That's not what fucking feminism is: feminism is supporting ALL women: fat, thin, girls who have lost weight, girls who have gained weight, girls who have lost LIMBS. Girls who love makeup, girls who never wear it. Women of all colors, all creeds, all backgrounds, and all ages. Butch girls, ultra femme girls, casual girls, glam girls, trans girls, androgynous humans who sometimes want to dress like girls, even boys who use "she" and "her", WOMEN ARE AWESOME and I'm glad to be one. Other women being women doesn't make me any less of a woman. Just like me losing weight doesn't have anything to do with this lady's weight, or whether or not she's happy with it.

I'm just gonna say it: that lady? Not a real feminist. You don't learn a few buzzwords and earn the privilege to lose your objectivity or critical thinking skills. FUCK that.

And of course...I said none of this to her. I tried a few uber-friendly smiley-face replies, (re) assuring her that I lost this weight because I want to and I don't believe anyone should make any changes to themselves unless they truly want to, etc. She kept on keeping on. Prodding and prodding. I eventually just stopped replying.

It's been bothering me for a full day and I needed to vent it out. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. And if my losing weight bothers you or makes you feel bad, then I gotta ask: what the fuck are you doing here reading about it?!

Musing, Casting News-ing (Whole50, Day 3)

So I am a dork and forgot to mention yesterday that I heard back from the four auditions I attended for summer work. I will have a gig this summer, in the park (love), but it's absolutely not what I was expecting, and it's caused a strange combination of joy and trepidation.

You might want to get a drink and a snack, because this post is long AF.

Firstly, I heard back about LIZZIE: The Musical and was not cast in that, although the casting assistant (with whom I've worked before and who is pretty great), was complimentary and friendly. It didn't feel like a form rejection and it didn't break my heart (this was a super long shot anyway, but I would have kicked myself if I hadn't tried out for it. I did not expect a callback so I had walkaway power from the beginning.)

I felt like I was waiting on pins and needles for ages about the Shakespeare season. A week prior, I'd had a disappointing callback for Hamlet, which *did* break my heart (you know that feeling in theatre where you didn't do anything "wrong", and you worked really hard and felt like you were bringing something cool to the table, but no one noticed or cared and they were basically rushing you through to "get past" you and see the people they really wanted to see? Yeah...). I drove home crying from that callback. I knew I wasn't being considered for a major role, and at that point I thought it was pretty pie-in-the-sky to hope to get cast at all.

The callbacks for Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Suicide Club were the same day as Hamlet (and interspersed throughout the different readings, I assume in the interest of time.) Many women were called back for both shows (their Hamlet is an all-female cast) so the Sherlock director indicated he'd be watching the other reads as well so he could get an idea of people's reading abilities. No big deal. I was asked to read the two sides I'd been given in advance, and both times I read with readers (meaning, volunteers who get up and read against you but who are NOT actors being considered alongside you for casting purposes). For this reason, I assumed I was only being vaguely considered. Typically women are read alongside their male counterparts to see if they "look right" as a pair onstage. There are more women than men, so the women are generally cast to "match" the men, and not the other way around. I'm not a huge fan of it, but it happens pretty much a hundred percent of the time, so whatever. Again - I wasn't expecting anything and was happy just to read for, and be seen by, the director. They were fun scenes to read, and I knew both volunteers so we had a good time with it.

Flash forward a week to The Merry Wives of Windsor callbacks. These were much more crowded, to my surprise, which meant fewer opportunities to read and be seen. But I love the play, and of the three plays this season I felt most confident about my chances of being cast in this one. It's their outreach (free to the public) production, at the public park in San Jose, and I'd performed in the outreach show the last two years so I figured if anything, I'd be placed there again. The reads were fun, but nothing to write home about. At least I felt like the director and AD were watching me, and occasionally they laughed when our scenes took a funny turn. So, I didn't expect anything major but I figured they always need people for the outreach show, and I'm loud and not above manual labor, so...yeah.

My LIZZIE: The Musical audition was that same afternoon, after Merry Wives. Turns out my belting mix isn't as strong as I'd hoped, lol. But it motivates me to seek additional vocal training, which can't hurt, in any case.

I heard back first about LIZZIE. News started trickling in from other people about the Shakespeare season, but it was very staggered. I hadn't heard and hadn't heard, and then it occurred to me that I might be slotted as a second or third choice for a role (that they were waiting to hear back from someone, and that if that someone turned them down, their role would be offered to me.) Still nothing. And then, a couple of Fridays ago, I got the offer email and I seriously felt like my heart would explode (I still get as excited about casting news at 32 as I did when I was 9...I don't know that it will ever change.)

I was offered the role of Christiane in Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Suicide Club.

If you don't know the play, this character is very much the damsel archetype, very beautiful and tragic and French. It's basically the type of role I'm never considered for, since childhood (mentioned in, I believe, the very first entry of this blog.)

And it was like my brain was split in two: one side was going "Oh holy crap! YAY! That's amazing, that never EVER happens, how freaking cool, this is going to be so fun"

And the other side was going ".......no Shakespeare? Really? Fuck..."

I'd let my ego run away from me, and thus robbed myself of walkaway power. I took it for granted that they'd want me in at least one (if not both) Shakespeares. That was the wrong thing to do, and it was something *I* did wrong and I recognize that (nobody did me any injustice, no one robbed me of anything, no one denied me something I'd earned.) But it still stung pretty hard.

Of course I accepted Christiane, but not without nervousness. Remember, I had not read against any men that they were considering for the show, and this character has a love interest (one of the main non-Holmes characters in the plot). How was that going to shake out?

Well, our first day in Seattle, I found out - we finally got a full cast list (which I promptly swapped with friends for the full lists of Hamlet and Merry Wives, because come on...that's what you do). Sherlock has what appears to be a really good solid cast. Lots of people I know, a few people I adore and am super excited to perform with again (including Barb Heninger, who played The Soothsayer in Julius Caesar last summer and whom I've known for years - she is incredible).

Barb and me as Soothsayer and Portia, Julius Caesar 2016

And I officially have three months to either get over my anxiety, shut the fuck up, and deal, or lose another hundred pounds, because the actor playing Nicholas (Christiane's fiancee and a leading role in this story), is a really cool talented multifaceted performer...who is about half my size. I saw his name on the cast list and went "he's really good, he's the right choice for the role, wtf am I doing on this list, I'm going to look like fucking Monstro the Whale" etc. etc. I'm sure anyone who's struggled with their size can relate.

It's one of the things I was concerned about when I initially read the role with readers - had they read me against this actor I don't think they would have considered me. So on the one hand, it's a great opportunity and one I wouldn't otherwise have. On the other, I have a sinking feeling that we'll get to the first rehearsal and they'll realize their mistake in casting me, and that they're basically stuck with me. 

It's 99.9% likely this is all in my head. But I think we all know there's a smidge of truth in it. Sigh.

In any case, I am motivated to do everything within my power to make this role, and the production, shine: I've studied and written out my lines (I bought the script to read last year in order to prep for auditions), I've restarted my Duolingo in French (where I was previously just practicing my Spanish) and I tested up to a higher intermediate level than I thought, which was kind of cool. I've also downloaded and been studying Gillian Lane-Plescia's French Accents for Actors (if anyone out there needs help with dialects, GLP IS THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS.)

I want to be off-book and phonetically correct by the table read. If I'm feeling saucy, I want to be memorized in French as well as English (although after years of no practice, my interpretation skills are pretty crap.)

For all that I feel not-beautiful-enough, and for all that I was disappointed to not be performing in a Shakespeare play this summer,...

I am happy and excited and terrified to take on the challenge of playing Christiane in Sherlock Holmes. I'm eagerly prepping, and impatient for rehearsals to begin mid-June. I'm grateful that someone thought I could take on this role. I'm thankful to be included in their season. I'm overjoyed to be returning to Sanborn Park.

And I am *very* motivated to continue with my health and fitness efforts. 💖

I Love Food And I'm Not Sorry. (Whole50, Day 2)

Omigoodness. Our weeklong crazy whirlwind of a trip to Seattle for Filmapalooza 2017 was outstanding and fun and completely exhausting. I arrived home two evenings ago and I was WIPED OUT, and (to be completely honest) ready to start another wholesomething - a week of bingeing on delicious sugar and grains and cheese and booze was glorious, but left me feeling pretty icky and ready to clean up my belly again.

But I'm not sorry I did it. I enjoyed some amazing foods while on this trip. From pork cheek confit hash and eggs at Toulouse Petit, to spaghetti myzithra with lamb at Athina's, to the most incredible pho I've ever had at a hole-in-the-wall next to our hotel whose name escapes me, to crispy duck with Brussels sprouts at Pesos, to a massive burger and a Rubynator (half ruby red ale, half terminator stout) at McMenamin's (oh god how I've missed you McM), to pineapple cupcakes at our hotel, to breakfast macaroni and cheese with eggs at Serendipity. SO. MUCH. AMAZING. FOOD.

Seeing so many incredible, masterful short films over a few days was amazing, as was exploring the city of Seattle with friends (shout out to the best travel buddy in the world, my girl Jen!), and the group of us had a blast watching the winning shorts and supporting the movie we worked on, Stonewood. If you click the Filmapalooza link and scroll down past the video to the fourth photo, you'll see Jen and me along with our director, AD, and city producers. We're like so famous, you guys.

I'm back on track yesterday and today, for a 50-day program this time. This one ends in late April, in time for our first of two Ashland trips to OSF this year (yaaaayyyyyy, we're seeing their whole season again) so hopefully I'll kick some of this bloat and lose a few more pounds in the meantime.

I haven't worn my FitBit in AGES and I'm off my running training by a lot. However, I can't do the same running routine I've been doing (running the Coyote Creek Trail during the day at work), because I've been making it a habit to be more professional-looking (hair done, makeup done, etc) all day at work. And while I was able to shower post-run before, I can't exactly do my hair the way I'd like while I'm here. Explanation: for the past several weeks I have been foregoing the straightening iron in favor of encouraging my naturally-wavy hair to curl. Some days are more successful than others. But it requires a lot more time in the morning.

I just ordered an expensive (supposedly amazing) blow-dryer and diffuser today, so I'm excited to try that technique to save some time and hopefully improve the overall look.

Back to the grocery store tonight to stock up on things! Have I MENTIONED how much I love my Instant Pot? Because I do. It's awesome. My friend Melissa at work and I talked another guy in our department into buying one today, because that's how much we love it.