Wholesome Thing (Whole25, Day 21)

I can't believe it took me this long to realize that "whole something" (wholesomething), as I've been calling my stints of Whole30-style eating, can also be read as "wholesome thing." Both of them work.

Kind of like one of my favorite riddles: "iamnowhere". It can either be "I Am Nowhere" or "I Am Now Here." I guess it's not really a riddle but more of a game of perspective. And it's resonated with me, particularly over the past year or so as I've been working hard to make change within myself.

Anyway. I'm on the home stretch of this Wholesome Thing and very much looking forward to some treats and rest over Christmas Weekend. A Christmas Carol has been a challenge, but the friends I have in the cast are a saving grace and can make me laugh like a maniac even when I'm ready to cry or throw a shoe otherwise.

I ran today with only music (not running an app to track my pace or distance.) I've run the Coyote Creek Trail so many times, I was comfortable mapping it in my head with landmarks instead of relying on the audio prompts from my phone. Still, it was a little weird to be in complete control and not check my phone sixty times towards the end to see if I could walk yet. I'd planned to turn around "at the end of the underpass" and stop running "at the sharp right turn headed back to work" so running towards that and not based on the electronic thing in my pocket was...different. Not better or worse, per se. But I kind of liked it. And I like the idea of being more in-control with my training. Now I'm feasting on chicken and green beans (hooray for slow cooker batch-cooking) and thinking about the big 15K in January. I'd like to be able to run the whole thing, even if my pace isn't as high as it was for the 10K in November. My right knee is feeling a little bit better as I run, too.

The world continues to baffle and scare me. There is so much good that is so easily overshadowed by hate and stupidity. It makes me appreciate my family, friends, work, and hobbies more. I have kind of a "I want to relish what I enjoy while I still can" attitude lately. It's helping me get through the greater crush of generalized depression. I'm hoping that the nutritious eating and continued exercise through running will also help.

Something Small (Whole25, Day 14)

I ran today. On the Coyote Creek Trail during my afternoon work break.

It isn't much, and my iPhone app spazzed out on me so I'm not sure how accurate any of my times were, but what matters to me is I ran.

I'll run again tomorrow. And the next day too.

I'm ok. I got this. I'm ok.

Moody and Blue (and red and green). (Whole25, Day 11)

I like the number 11. So, as stupid as this may sound, it cheered me up a little to check my calendar and see that today's Day 11 of this Whole25.

I've been feeling fairly disgusting lately - the eating is going all right, but I haven't been exercising regularly and with the show at night I haven't been wearing makeup to work; after piling the Ben Nye onto my face in the evenings my skin is acting out again, and my hair just feels greasy and nasty no matter what I do, and monthly girl-time has just left me feeling gross and bloated and awful.

My experience this year with A Christmas Carol was vastly different than it was the past two years. Granted, a lot of it probably had to do with my moods and state of mind (which have not been altogether positive in the last few weeks considering my extremely disenchanted revelations about my country and the --continuous, unending, daily-- farcical announcements of who's being brought along in the steaming dumptruck of regress making its way to the White House.) This year's director is much-beloved by many people whom I care about, and respect. This was my first time working with him in any capacity. It's lonesome feeling like I can't vent about the experience at the risk of offending people on the other side of the table (or those who love them.) But it happens sometimes. And I guess it's important - I have been very spoiled on past projects, and not every theatrical experience is going to be great. I knew that, but I'd forgotten it. And my own shitty attitude has not helped matters lately. At least the show is open now. We've had two performances so far, and with tonight, Saturday and Sunday we'll have five under our belts, then two much-needed nights off before starting the second weekend. I have a feeling I'll be feeling much more positive after Sunday's matinee. And I should point out that there are numerous people in this cast who are both incredibly good friends, great performers, and ridiculously funny people to boot. That has been massively helpful.

I haven't bought groceries or batch-cooked in...god, I don't know how long. I've been eating a lot of grocery-store "snack" lunches, and Chipotle salads. It burns through my food budget much faster than I would like. I think, I need to just make a long list, hit the store, and spend an afternoon cooking, but then I look at my calendar and think and when are you planning on doing that, stupid? I feel like I'm booked wall-to-wall.

I *think* I will have time to hit the grocery store tomorrow between my 3:30 end time for the fundraiser where I'm assisting, and my 6:30 call time for A Christmas Carol. I won't have time to actually COOK anything, mind you. But I can at least get the groceries. Then maybe...I don't know, get up early on Sunday before the matinee and try and cook as much as possible? Sunday evening I have rehearsal in Gilroy, so it can't be afterwards. And I really do need to be better about going to bed on time and getting adequate sleep.

Usually when I'm on a WholeSomething my moods are more even-keeled. I wonder if my bitchery has built up an immunity to my nutritious diet, the way bacteria can build up an immunity to certain antibiotics.

Here is a list of things I would like to accomplish in the next week:

• Pack lunches (and dinners when needed) for each workday
• Do a training run on my lunch break each day at work, on the Coyote Creek trail
• Finish at least 2 more books to stay on track for my 2016 reading goal
• Send the director/ producer my bio for The Country House (I'm already several days late on this; I should do it right after I post this blog entry)
• Write the blog entry for the Super Heroes Half
• Write the blog entry for the Turkey Trot 10K
• Order Christmas presents on Amazon
• Stay positive (or at least calm) for the next full weekend of Christmas Carol and resist the temptation to bitch, moan, or snark, even internally

I look at this list and it looks like a lot, but it's not too scary...actually, I feel a little better looking at it and I think I can get this done in a week. Some of it I can do immediately.

Side note before I wrap this up: thank you, thank you, MY HEARTFELT THANKS TO YOU, Kristina of Kristina Running, for recommending the podcast My Dad Wrote a Porno to me. It has provided me big silly loud laughs when I needed them the very most.

Two race recaps on their way. I miss Ambien. I had a huge breakfast-for-lunch and I'm not sorry.

Happy Friday.

Withdrawn (Whole25, Day 2)

I'm in the throes of some pretty icky sugar withdrawal right now. I was glad to enjoy treats on Thanksgiving and Black Friday weekend, but I think breaking up this WholeSomething so that I could indulge on those days was a mistake. I so want to end the year on a strong and healthy note.

So, we're back and I'm on the plan until Christmas Eve, when I'll weigh and measure and re-evaluate again.

All those treats really bloated me out and I was not happy with the weight on the scale Tuesday morning. >.< I know a lot of it will come off as water weight in the next few weeks, but still.

I'm considering how to schedule my WholeSomethings for 2017. If I want the weight loss to really and truly pick up again, I'll need to combine longer stretches of clean eating with (possibly) additional restrictions on starches and sugars just for fat loss purposes, plus continued and more varied exercise. I'm ok continuing the running training but I should find something to supplement that for long-term health and weight loss purposes.

It's all so adult and unappealing and stupid and I hate it and I'm just in a terrible mood because I want bread and cheese and also sugar and chocolate. And booze.

Blargh.

Disneyland Paris Half Marathon Weekend Recap

Disclaimer: grab a snack and a comfy seat, because this is a long one. I'm sorry this post is so long in coming. I wrote it a week and a half ago (before I left for the Super Heroes Half Marathon in Anaheim), but the website's not letting me backdate it.

The whole weekend of my Disneyland Paris Half Marathon trip went by so quickly it didn’t seem real. In fact I don’t call it a “long weekend” for that reason, even though I was gone from Wednesday all the way until Monday night. It just seems crazy, and far away. There were some insane moments (especially with travel), but I am very thankful that in the end things were smooth and I got there, and home, safely. 

Plus, I got to visit Disneyland Paris for the very first time, spend time with a friend I hadn’t seen in years, and relish the accomplishment of running both my very first Disney race and my very first Half Marathon. 

On Tuesday evening I laid out what seemed like an impossible amount of STUFF. People who know me, know that I’m a list-maker, and so of course I’d gone through several revisions of my packing list for this trip. I was terrified I would forget something vitally important and be stranded without it. Laying stuff out beforehand and checking things off my list helps, but it sure makes for a daunting-looking pile to go in my tiny raggedy carry-on suitcase.

Still, it helps to have two flight attendants for parents. I know how to pack.

Wednesday I struck off in the morning and spent the entire day and evening traveling. I went from San Francisco to Seattle (where there are always international delays, apparently…if you ever need to connect before flying out of the country, avoid the Seattle airport at all costs!). Thankfully I’d given myself a big layover window in case of delays so I didn’t miss my flight to France.

I was flying standby, however, and was therefore very nervous I’d get bumped off the flight. I am so thankful that I wasn’t! Even flying in a cramped seat in the back of the plane felt like luxury, because it meant I got to fly at all!

On Thursday morning (still late Wednesday night back in California), I arrived in Paris. After some mild confusion about the shuttle, I made it into the shared van and was carted off to my first hotel, about 30 minutes from the airport. (The package Ashley and I had purchased included 2 nights in a Disney hotel, and because those are the most expensive ones, I opted to add a night before and after at a more budget-friendly joint nearby.) The girl in my shared van was from Ireland, and she and her sister were also running the Disney races! We had fun chatting (I lived in Dublin in 2004 and miss it terribly), and got more and more excited about the race weekend as we went on.

I checked into the B&B Hôtel Disneyland Paris…and the first room they sent me to, I opened the door and there was someone in there already on the bed. ._o I went back to the desk and explained, and they were very apologetic and sent me to a new, upgraded room with a corner view. I didn’t care much about the view, I was just worried they’d send another person to MY room once I was in there! (Thankfully they did not.)

The views were beautiful. I went for a walk to clear my head from all the travel, and was really impressed by that whole area. A bunch of smaller hotels are situated around this nice lagoon.

The view from my window

Hooray for panoramic mode!

The lagoon behind the hotels

I was jetlagged TO BEJEEZUS AND BACK, so I was very glad I gave myself the day to sleep and recover from the travel and the nine-hour time loss. That evening I met up with my friend Jen, who’d also flown in from California, and we had dinner at Annette’s (which appears to be Disneyland Paris’s version of Flo’s Café from Disney California Adventure.) The wait to get our order in and to get our food was super long and we were both kind of over it by the end.

The next day (Friday), I checked out of the B&B and headed over to Sequoia Lodge (the Paris version of the Grand Californian, although nowhere near as opulent.) Ashley had managed to check us in early, so I went straight to the room and was happily squealingly reunited with her.

Two dorks are better than one!

We headed over to the Expo to pick up our bibs and swag, for the 5K and the Half (we’d signed up to run both.) I had no idea what to expect, so I was thrilled by the whole thing, but literally every other runner there told me over and over again that it was small potatoes, that it wasn’t even in the same ballpark as the runDisney expos in the states. This is likely because it was their inaugural running event in Disneyland Paris, and because a lot of American vendors were told at the last minute of additional charges/ visas/ etc and opted not to set up a booth. Regardless, I was really excited. We got into the right lines to get our bibs for each race, and then our shirts, and there were hardly any waits! I was sad that there wasn’t more fun Disney swag to shop through, but I did get a shirt that said “I did it!” which I planned on wearing Sunday after completing the race.

Apparently they're not usually this empty

We spent the rest of the day exploring all the different hotels in the Disney area. There are so many, it reminded me of Disney World in Florida! It makes our 3 in California look positively quaint, haha.

The next morning we rose bright and early. I was excited and a little nervous (but this was the “easier” of the two races, and a 5K doesn’t seem as daunting when you’ve been training for a Half.)

We left the hotel amidst a bustle of fellow runners in and out of costume. Walking over to the race start was pretty daunting in the dark. There were tons of people (although I imagine there will be many, many more in Anaheim and Orlando!). There was a row of port-a-johns near the corral starts, but I was too nervous to pee (plus I’d nervously peed about ten times before we’d left the hotel.) My bib had assigned me to corral B, but Ashley was in C, even though we’d requested to be corralled together (and we had the same corral for the Half the following day.) So, I moved back to corral C so I could start with her. The wait was long, but not too bad. I was mostly excited. Then they moved us up, and up, and then we were off!

The sun was already coming up by the time we went through the starting gate (both races this weekend began at 7:30AM, which was a mercy since runDisney races in Anaheim and Orlando begin at 5:30AM.) It was SUCH A BLAST to see the park for the very first time as I was running through it!

Going into Disneyland Park was surreal. On the one hand, it is set up in the same fashion as Disneyland Resort (Anaheim) and has the same basic shape. But as you walk in you expect to be under the train station (you’re actually under the Disneyland Paris Hotel) and you expect to see certain things on either side of you that aren’t there.) Kind of like being in a weird dream version of the park I know so well!

Ashley and I ran together through the whole thing, and I was so excited to see the finish line after what seemed like only a few minutes (It was about 35 minutes, although it was untimed and I didn’t time myself; we slowed a couple of times to take pictures or grab a drink.) Then I got my very first runDisney medal! It has Remy on it!

We were kind of disappointed that we didn’t get much in the way of food or beverages afterward (a small paper bag with an apple, a tiny Special K bar, and a mini-water, plus samples of Powerade.) A lot of experienced runDisney runners were saying that after the US races you get a whole box of sustenance. I drank a chocolate-flavored protein drink and it was just the best thing ever.

We spent the rest of the day exploring Disneyland Park and Walt Disney Studios! The first thing we did was ride Space Mountain Mission 2, and OMG YOU GUYS IT WAS WORTH THE WHOLE TRIP. Even better than Space Mountain in California (which is one of my favorite rides ever). We scrambled off (very dizzy) at the end and ran through the line again (we were early enough that miraculously the park hadn’t filled up yet) and rode it a second time. The first time we rode in the very back row, but this time we rode in the very front. SO. MUCH. FUN.

Adventure is out there! 

The castle is so pretty

Walking over to the Phantom Manor (read: Haunted Mansion) in the morning was also fun, since we got there using “Magic Morning” and were among the first ones there. Our English-speaking cast member with an adorable French accent gave Ashley no shortage of crap for hurrying him along. The ride itself was kind of disappointing in that it was abbreviated from the California version, and the hanged man was pretty much invisible. BUT there were different stretch paintings and it was still fun to see a few familiar ghostly faces.

I was actually surprised that so many rides (like Star Tours, Indiana Jones, and Big Thunder Mountain) were closed for repairs on a race weekend. They had to know they’d be seeing a huge influx of parkgoers, right?

That night we had a nice dinner and I had a *tiny* bit of wine. I was terrified to drink too much since I knew I was already going to have a nervous tummy the next morning and I didn’t want to get sick or hit a wall during my very first Half.

We went to bed early, I read for a bit, and slept anxiously in anticipation of the big day.

Pre-race tradition: The Laying Out Of The Stuff

At precisely oh-god-hundred the next morning, I was up and getting dressed. I didn’t think we’d have time for a full breakfast (they were only providing runners with basic cold cereals and whatnot in the lobby restaurant anyway), and my tummy was so shaky I thought I might throw up if I ate anything significant. However, I bonked HARD the one time I ran on an empty tummy, so I slowly ate some applesauce and a few saltine crackers, and packed a couple of snacks in my fuel belt for later. We got ourselves prepped and left the hotel, once again in the company of what seemed like a zillion people in wacky outfits. (The outfits were part of what made the experience so awesome – seriously, I loved seeing them all.)

Dana, Ashley and Jen are ready to run!!!

Dalmation puppies!

Slowly inching towards the starting line

The wait for the Half Marathon start seemed much longer than the 5K; apparently there were a ton more people, which surprised me since it’s typically the other way around. I guess people figured if they were going to fly all the way to France they might as well run the big race and not just the 5K! While Ashley went to the restroom, I found Jen and chatted/ stretched a bit as we waited. People were hopping over the gates and running to bushes and trees to pee while we waited…it was half disgusting and half hilarious. 

They played Disney music from the starting gates for all of us waiting in our corrals, and at one point “Try Everything,” the Shakira song from Zootopia, came on. And for some reason it made me a little bit weepy. I quickly scanned Spotify (thank goodness for international Wi-Fi plans, or this trip would have been such a mess) and added it to my running playlist.

By the time our corral was ready to hit the town, the sun was on its way up and the morning was upon us. Different Disney characters on a big screen next to the starting gate were counting down 3, 2, 1, GO in English and French. For our group, it was the three fairies from Sleeping Beauty. I was just so happy to get out of the starting line after that long wait!

Very shortly after the race began I stopped off in one of the park restrooms to pee. Along with about a zillion other runners. Omigod that bathroom was just as gross as a port-a-john! But at least there were full sinks with soap for handwashing. The first few miles were inside the parks, a very similar course to the 5K from the day before. But then we left the park and went on a long run throughout the region itself, a few towns, and even a school football field. It was really strange to be running with a ton of people in runDisney costumes, without any official Disney stuff around us. …Which is not to say that there wasn’t entertainment along the course, as well as beautiful scenery!

I was already pretty emotional, but this shirt made me quietly happy-cry a little bit

Ashley and I got separated about halfway through the race – my pace was a little bit faster and I tended to jog through the aid stations (the first few, anyway…by the end it was more of a walk/ shuffle/ dump Powerade into face movement). She had some gastric pain and decided to wait in a port-a-john line, letting me run on ahead. 

I popped my headphones in (I hadn’t used them at all for the 5K or for the first part of the Half,) and put on “Try Everything.” I then proceeded to cry/run for several minutes. Even though I was shuffling along at a snail’s pace and sweating profusely, it felt like a really beautiful moment. I was proud of myself for making it that far. It was cathartic and I think I really needed it. I listened to a few other pop songs while I calmed down, then took out my headphones and just jogged for a while. 

There were a few bottlenecks along the course, as well as a few really rude people pulling rickshaws (which I guess had kids or disabled people in them); they were shoving runners out of their way. (Literally. Shoving.) And they’d say “please move to your right”, so the runners, used to hearing “on your right,” would all move to the left and the rickshaw runners would get all pissy. Not fun.

Also this was the race where I learned that I. Hate. Switchbacks. It began with a really long straight line of runners, with a corresponding straight line of runners running back the way we came. “Oh!” I thought “Good – we just make a 180-degree turn at the end of this straightaway, then run back!”

NOPE. Hard left turn.

“Um…well maybe after this next stretch—“ NOPE. Another turn in a different direction. We ended up running in this weird Spirograph pattern that was so completely long (this was a huge chunk of the course) before getting back to that original straightaway that I was getting more and more pissy by the end. I rounded a corner expecting to FINALLY turn around at one point, came upon another spinoff and said “FUCK” very loudly… in front of a crowd of middle-school cheerleaders waving pompoms and saying encouraging things in French. There are not enough desolées in the world to make up for how shitty I felt, cursing in front of those sweet kids.

Thankfully they either didn't hear me, didn't understand me, or didn't mind.

When at last I was back on course, running back along the original straightaway, there were still people coming in the other direction. They probably were thinking, as I had, that the turnaround was near. My heart felt so heavy for those poor, innocent people.

After probably ten miles, my right knee started to feel really sore. I’d never experienced that before. It wasn’t like a pop or a crack that started it, and I didn’t feel a corresponding pain in my left knee, so I had no idea what was happening. I figured it must be from the repetitive impact or my terrible posture (it’s been a while since I was in conservatory training and perfected “actor neutral”; I tend to stand/ sit on one side or the other with my hip sticking out and I know I shouldn’t.) I actually walked for short periods toward the last few miles of the race. I was really hoping not to, but my knee began to hurt so badly that I knew it’d just get worse if I didn’t at least walk a few steps before running again.

It was around this time I started to see runners walking back along the course with their medals. I knew the end wasn’t too far away – it helped motivate me to keep running even though by this point I had a pronounced hitch in my giddyup and was run-limping to favor my sore right knee. 

After what seemed like a thousand years I caught sight of the finish line and my heart seriously started pounding. I could see the finish. I was going to finish. I ran a little faster. I couldn’t believe it.

Almost there!

Crossing the finish line was strangely anticlimactic. Immediately I began walking, and was limping a little because of my knee. I made eye contact with one of the people with the medals, and they put it on me…backwards. Haha! I figured it out as I was trying to take a selfie with it. I cried a little, but not nearly as much as I’d expected. All this time I’d imagined I’d burst into uncontrollable tears the second I got through.

FINISHED!

Re-spotted them ;-)

Ashley joined me at the finish line just a few minutes later! She got her medal, as well as her Castle to Chateau Challenge medal, and we took a few photos.

We were both WRECKED. We went back to the hotel for showers (omigod the post-half-marathon shower was THE GREATEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE) and to change clothes and pack. Runners had a late check-out because of the race, so we got our stuff together, checked out, and left our bags with the bellhop…

…immediately before it began POURING RAIN.

I was just so glad it hadn't rained during the race!

I felt like the smartest girl alive for bringing my poncho from Disneyland (we all got them the last time we got rain in Anaheim), because it was torrential at some points. We ran through the park (yes…RAN) to get to our dinner reservation at the Blue Lagoon (you guessed it…the French version of Blue Bayou.)

I told her "hold my camera for a second, I have to Gene Kelly on this lamp."

I. Love. French food.

We had wine and Champagne and amazing food, and rode a bunch of rides, before Ashley had to catch her train. The Tower of Terror was OUTSTANDING (mainly because Le Quatrième Dimension, or the French Twilight Zone, is a blast to listen to). We got to sit next to two southern ladies who were long-time Florida runners and so enthusiastic about Disney and Disney runs. The ride itself went on longer than the one in Anaheim and was even scarier, because the doors don’t open as often…it really was like being stuck in an elevator shaft! And of course the spooky French “elevator attendant” giving snarky safety instructions cracked me up to no end.

Brave conquerors!

In the lobby of the Hollywood Tower Hotel, a perfectly normal hotel. Nothing to see here.

After Ashley left, I checked myself back into the B&B (no room weirdness this time) and then met up with Jen in the park for dinner and a couple of rides, as well as their fireworks/ projection show which was really fun.

We got our own boat for Pirates of the Caribbean - AWESOME.

I couldn’t believe the weekend was practically over. I felt like I’d just gotten there.

The next morning I got up before the sun rose, and caught the first airport shuttle (cheap airport shuttle: SUCH A BONUS.) I’m so glad I caught the ridiculously early one, because there were major delays. ALSO I’m glad my hotel was one of the first ones they hit, since there were long lines outside several hotels and our bus was filled up by the second one. People were getting really upset – some of them had been waiting for hours and they STILL couldn’t get onto the bus, and they had flights to catch!

I was glad I’d made it on, and also glad that I’d given myself a big time cushion. Still, I was very anxious and nervous about making it to the airport on time. Standby travel is super tricky. I made it there EXACTLY two hours before my flight was scheduled to go out. AND THEN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT UNDER THE BUS WOULDN’T OPEN. People were pissed. Luckily (again), my bag was on a side where it was accessible from a different hatch, so I clambered in and finagled it out.

Charles de Gaulle airport is a funny one. I was so unbelievably grateful for what little French I spoke, because between that and being overly polite to the gate agent, I was able to get assurance that I should get on the flight (not in first or business class, but I so didn’t care about that. Again – I just wanted to not get bumped!) The plane was huge, so it took forever to board everybody. But I was among them, and we left France safely. I watched a bunch of movies on the flight back (I’d slept on the way out). 

Again, Seattle international was a complete mess (note to self: DON’T FLY INTERNATIONAL OUT OF SEATTLE EVER.) But again, I’d given myself a chunk of time to make it through all the hurdles to get to my transfer terminal. I had to gate-check my bag (which I hate doing) but I made it on my flight back to California!

Once we arrived home we got a little scare – everyone was waiting in the jetway for their gate-checked bags and an attendant was all “uh…there’s no pink tags, no gate checks” and people were getting extremely nervous. Then he amended his speech with “they’ll just be at baggage claim” and we all audibly gasped in relief. “So our bags made it ON the flight, yes?” I asked. And he said yes.

I cannot tell you how relieved that made me! Hahaha.

Dave picked me up at baggage claim and had bananas and Tejava for me in the car. Seeing his face was a huge relief after all that travel and stress.

I regaled him with stories on the long drive home from SFO, and fell to the floor to greet my kitties after my long time away that, when I think about it, was like no time at all.

And that’s the story of my first runDisney event weekend, my first half marathon and my first destination race! I wrote it the day before I left for Anaheim, to run my second Half Marathon and claim my Castle to Chateau medal.

I guess I can call myself a runner now. And that feels pretty good.

Stunned and Sick. (Whole30, Day 30)

Yesterday I wrote a version of the serenity prayer on my notepad as I sat through a boring and pointless meeting at work.

Last night during the ...is historic the right word? It feels like history is going backward... election I cried as my fears and suspicions about the majority of Americans were realized. Growing up and living in a bubble state like California, it's easy to forget the bigotry and willful stupidity that runs rampant through so much of this country.

Yesterday during the day I considered giving myself some grace on this Whole30. After all, 24 hours isn't going to make any kind of a difference in my health and weight loss efforts, and with all this stress it might do me good to be nice to myself.

As I drove home from rehearsal after 10 last night, crying, I decided not to end the Whole30 early. Instead, I will take pride in finishing that task and in fulfilling something I can control. And for a while, at least, it will be about that. This weekend's trip to Disneyland is going to be vastly less fun than it could have been, but I will still attempt to distract myself and enjoy the company of my friends, and complete another task over which I have control (I'm more determined than ever to finish the half marathon.)

I feel sick. I feel humiliated. I feel scared about what this means for women, people of color, and non-Christians in my home country. And this next...however long this is, is going to be very hard for all of us. But my survival tactic is to keep waking up every morning, being a good and supportive person to the people around me, doing my job well, and taking care of myself inside and out. (This will absolutely include some treats tomorrow when the Whole30 is over.)

I am within my own control. And no hateful, mentally incompetent, hideous payaso is going to tell me otherwise.

Mishmosh (Whole30, Day 28)

I'm sorry I haven't posted my Disneyland Paris Run recap yet. I know I'm super late. I gotta get it written up before the end of the year. 

My next Disney run (Super Heroes Half Marathon) is this weekend, holy crap. I'm even more nervous about this one than I was about the Paris one, I think. How is that possible?

Only a few days left of this Whole30 and I'm feeling ok about it, although I very much doubt I've lost significant weight. I'm probably back to where I was when I finished my last WholeSomething (before indulging in lots of treats in Paris and Ashland,) but I feel like I still have a long way to go before I hit the weight and fitness level I want.

In all honesty, it's slowed to a crawl.

I know this is probably because I used to be much bigger and my metabolism has slowed down (everything I've been reading says that people who've lost a bunch of weight burn calories/ fat at a slower rate because their bodies think something is wrong. It's supposed to take several years before you're back up to "regular" burning levels.) I also know that the numbers aren't going to be as dramatic now that I'm closer to an "average" weight. Right now the bullshit BMI calculators (seriously, those things are so stupid) would clock me at "overweight" when before I was in the "morbidly obese" category, but to be honest I'm not sure how unhealthy my weight is right now, since I'm eating nutritious food, exercising, and avoiding most harmful things most of the time (alcohol, etc.) I may not look the way I want to, but I know I'm healthier and will probably live longer than I would have if I'd kept up my habits from a year ago, so...go me, I guess.

This was my promo photo for Godspell back in 2010.
Frankly the creepy look on my face bothers me much more than my weight.

Here are two car selfies, one from 2011 and one from 2016.

It's strange to me how different these two pictures are. Not just my size.
Maybe it's because so much time has passed. I don't know.
(maybe because in '16 I have the advantage of Instagram Filters)

I very much look forward to a drink and some treats when this Whole30 is complete (especially after tomorrow's election....ugh...may we all have the strength to bear it, this has all been hateful and horrible.) Disney is going to be fun, and I look forward to getting my Castle to Chateau medal, too!

A Christmas Carol rehearsals are going well. I have this little feeling that this will be my last year doing it, and I'm not sure why (perhaps because it's my third consecutive year, and I believe in the power of threes?). It's going to be a good ghosty show with some wonderful people.

And now...back to work.

The Continuing Adventures... (Whole30, Day 1)

I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long.

The trip to Paris was insane and strange and fun and memorable and over much too quickly for me to process anything that went on.

I ran my very first half-marathon. Can you believe that? Because I can't.

I also was off the Whole30-style eating for about three weeks, which certainly took its toll on my general wellbeing, my weight, and my appearance. Hopefully no one notices it but me...but I feel like I gained a thousand pounds, especially in my tummy and my face.

In those three weeks I went to Paris and back and made my second trip to Ashland this year. Ashland, too, was an outstanding trip, and it was made even better by the addition of my friend Jen. We hadn't traveled together before, but she's seriously one of the best traveling (and shopping!) buddies ever, and it made the trip so much more fun having her along.

Omigod the food in Ashland is just...it's just outstanding. I had wine and cider and beer and chocolate and all sorts of my favorite treats, and I'm not sorry. But it did make for some slightly "urgh" moments when I weighed in and measured this morning.

However: a lot of it is bloat from three weeks of treats and not as much nutrition, and today was the first day of Girl Time this month which means I'm a little heavier and more bloated. (That, combined with a mild sugar withdrawal, means I am especially bitchy today.) I'll also be getting back into running training, because in about a month I'll be running my **SECOND** half marathon, in Disneyland, and getting my Castle to Château medal for completing the races in both France and the States.

If you'll forgive my tardiness, I would like to write a separate post about the Disneyland Paris Half Marathon and my wacky whirlwind adventure (...it was a long weekend, it wasn't even a week...what was I thinking planning that) in France.

I am pleased that my shiny new passport got two stamps in it during its first year of use. I hope to fill it up with more before it expires!

I didn't prep very well for this Whole30 because I'm coming off of the trips to Paris and Oregon, it's the busiest time of the year at work, and I'm in rehearsals (wait no...TECH WEEK) for Matthew Briar and the Age of Resurrection this week. It opens and closes this weekend, so my evenings will be mercifully free beginning on Monday...I can almost taste the free time...which may in fact be filled up with overtime hours at work, but you know what? More money to chuck into the savings account. ...Perhaps more money for trips. :-)

Just wanted to let y'all know I hadn't forgotten the blog and I'm still very much invested in my Whole30 Adventures as well as my running and traveling and theatre ones. I'm gonna have me a Chipotle salad and a massive iced tea for dinner and try to get my mind off of Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory fudge. ._o

Delicate Flower (Whole40 Results)

While my results from the Whole40 are nothing dramatic, I'm still pleased with myself for completing the 40 days, and I did lose weight. 

Because I forgot to weigh in on Day One (after my trip to Puerto Vallarta, where I'm sure I gained a lot of weight), I'm going off of my weight on July 20th (almost two months ago); since then I've lost 11.3 lbs, most of that likely water and "temporary" weight from the junk food.

However, I am only 1 lb under my weight from the Whole65 (which ended on my birthday). So, I did lose actual weight, albeit not very much. I also lost an inch off my waist, two inches off of my hips (where I carry the majority of my extra pudge), and a half inch off my thighs.

I'm glad to be headed in the right direction, however slowly. It does encourage me to not go overboard during this time off (I actually have a couple of weeks, what with the Paris (I leave on Wednesday...holy cats) and then the Ashland trip at the beginning of October. When I start my next one I don't want to have dug myself a junk food pit to climb out of...although I do look forward to a couple of treats. Tonight, in particular, I'll be enjoying a Sangria Swirl with some friends after we close Love's Labour's Lost.

So much has been going on - LLL is coming to an end; I've started workshop rehearsals for Matthew Briar; the Paris trip is fast approaching, and unfortunately, Panda is very sick. I've been paranoid and militant about not getting sick and not getting germs on me, which unfortunately has caused some upset in the house, which of course causes stress, which is supposed to encourage cold germs to knock you on your ass...I'm trying very hard to breathe and get through this without getting sick.

I've worked myself from 0 to 13.1 miles. I'm going to France for the first time in twelve years, and seeing a friend whom I *never* get to see. I've lost one hundred and thirteen pounds to get to where I am now.

I. Am. Not. Getting. Sick. Not right now. Not this time, universe.

You hear that, stomach? You hear that, throat and chest? I'm going to stay healthy if it fucking kills me!

Which means that I have yet another reason to not go overboard on the treats (especially the alcohol): NO GETTING SICK. Not before international travel and my first half-marathon ever.

In other happier news, I worked a parade with the Shakespeare folks yesterday morning, and it was really fun (although it was both the shortest and the fastest parade in which I've ever participated.) We dressed up in some pretty pseudo-Renaissance fairy-looking costumes and handed out flyers for next year's season and had a great time watching all the other groups and floats. And when I saw the photos that my friends had taken, I actually kind of liked them. We all look really happy and pretty. Including me. This doesn't usually happen (I can't take a photo to save my life, not only am I unhappy with my weight but I have trouble making natural nice-looking faces in photos). But I'm happy to see pictures in which I like seeing myself, especially when I'm smiling.

Angie is so much better at selfies than I am (I'm in the passenger seat)

Flower Girls! I'm second from the left

Happy smiles!

As my summer with Shakespeare in the Park wraps up tonight, I am a little blue and will miss the fun people I got to work with on LLL. It didn't move my heart as profoundly as Julius Caesar did, but I'm still really thankful I got to be on the team and dance around to 90s music while reciting some beautiful poetry with some brilliant people.

Today, Love's Labour's Lost. In three days, Paris. After that, Matthew Briar (with a little Ashland thrown in for flavor), the November trip to Disneyland, A Christmas Carol, The Country House, and then Filmapalooza, which we've just heard is going to be in Seattle in March! We're bringing Stonewood (best picture of San Jose in 2016, WHUT) and it's going to be a fun fun time at the film festival.

There's an absolute ton of things going on. And I'm exhausted and feeling delicate and paranoid (can't get sick can't get sick) and excited and nervous and then more excited, and seriously sincerely grateful. 

The depression and rage still come and go sometimes, although since cleaning up my diet they're not nearly as crazy as they used to be. 2016 has been one crazy bipolar motherf$#%er of a year. But I am really thankful to have had some wonderful, happy, funny, and profound experiences to give me perspective. I'm holding on to the good memories as hard as I can. 

I'm calling summer 2016 my Purple Summer. It started from the design perspective of Portia and Princess (and was happily alliterative with their names) but it has more meaning than that, too. So much more has happened this crazy summer.

Purple Summer ends on Wednesday when I leave the US and autumn begins on Thursday when I arrive in France. I'm excited to see what adventures the rest of 2016 has in store for me.