Wednesday Musings (Whole50, Day 27)

Today's run consisted of 10 minutes of jogging, then 3 intervals of fast running, then 10 more minutes of jogging. For some stupid dumb reason it seemed easier than Monday's run.

I have a few ideas as to what that stupid reason might be:

1. When the run consists of intervals, I tend to force myself to run a little slower on the "jog" sections, which is easier on my legs and my lungs, since I know I'll be in pain on the faster parts. So, I figure on the long "steady" runs (like Friday's upcoming 45-minute run) I need to focus on running more slowly and steadily, especially at the very beginning when I tend to take off at an irrational pace.
2. I was careful to drink lots of water, and wait until several hours after breakfast.
3. Mondays are stupid.

I am learning (and accepting) that as the runs get longer, my running time will be slower. This is ok by me; the goal has always been about weight loss and fitness, not setting any world records. If I can run for a long time (or a greater distance), then it's all right by me when I see people sailing past with a seemingly effortless stride while I'm plodding along on what I think is a "fast" run.

It's faster than I was going a few months ago. Which was not at all.

I was reminded today of the story of the tortoise and the hare, and how "slow and steady wins the race." It worked with fixing my finances (although I was more focused on the Steady than the Slow), and it's working (ever so slowly) with my fitness.

Halfway Day (Whole50, Day 25)

I don't understand. My last 5K to 10K workout was a 40-minute steady run. I was a couple of days late and did it on Sunday, at the park by my house, and it was challenging but I got through it.

Today's workout was a 20-minute run, literally half the time of yesterday's, and it was way harder. Is it because the trail here has more varied terrain? Is it because I didn't drink enough water? Or is it because logic has failed me and my brain just wants nachos and churros and 120 hours of sleep instead of all this cardiovascular exercise nonsense...

I completed it and I am glad, but I'm going to try frontloading the water and Advil on Wednesday before that run and see if I feel any better.

Opening weekend for The MoMologues went well - people seemed to really enjoy it.

Apparently it's National Breakfast Week, according to Twitter. I like breakfast. This morning I ate a huge one on my way to work (chicken sausage, eggs, and avocado) and I'll do the same tomorrow, too. I roasted a whole chicken yesterday and carved it up so I have chicken for lunches this week. I need to roast more vegetables as sides, though. I've gotten pretty good at asparagus and carrots...

I still feel like I'm not losing size on this Whole50. Even after 25 days of clean eating, and doing the thrice-weekly running workouts, I don't feel any different. I very much hope that I can still hit my 50-day goal. I know that weight loss slows down as you lose more, and I'm ok with that, but to lose nothing at all despite all this hard work would be really disheartening.

Speaking of disheartening: I had kind of an awful audition on Saturday. I thought it went well during my monologue, but I got a strange vibe from the director, which then flustered her when she saw my nervousness and confusion, and then she pulled me aside afterward and we were both just awkward and flustered and embarrassed and you'd think that'd level the playing field a little but NEWP - despite what I felt was a good monologue and thoughtful changes upon receiving direction, I got my "thanks but no thanks" email less than 24 hours later. I wasn't surprised, but I was still disappointed. I love that play and would like to do it someday.

In nicer news, I had another audition a couple of hours after that one and it went much better - not perfect, but good. It was for SV Shakes' 2016 season (this is the company with which I performed Comedy of Errors in the park last year.) I'm hopeful I'll get called back for something with them, even something small, since they're a fun group to work with and I've missed classical theater since graduating college. I should hear back from them within a week. And, I'm auditioning this Wednesday for a semi-staged reading of the new translation of Diary of Anne Frank, so cross your fingers for me!

Gotta drink more water. Definitely gotta drink more water. And my hips are screaming for Advil.

Things I'm learning about myself as I learn to run:
1. I have the stubborn whiny attitude of a 5-yr-old
2. I have the hips of a 105-yr-old

— Dana M. (@DanaCordelia) January 15, 2016

Opening Night (Whole50, Day 22)

I don't know why I keep looking at my chart to see what day I'm on. I started on January 1st, it's January 22nd, hence, it's Day 22. I think my brain is just fried since it's tech week and I haven't been sleeping very well lately.

Tonight we open The MoMologues, and I'm excited. It's a sweet little play and I think the locals will get a kick out of it. We have a few nice little tributes in there to our friends who are moms, and we even have (Whole30-friendly!) tart cherry juice to drink in lieu of wine...it's Gilroy. There is usually wine involved.

Some of the simple elastic sports bras I've been using are no longer viable. Even though they were tighter than anything when I started (which is good...I'm...well-endowed and need to be...snugly supported when I'm exercising) they're basically just a form-fitting crop top now, and I need to remedy that. I got paid this week, so this weekend I'll see if I can't find myself a couple of smaller ones. My bra size has continued to go down, but it's a little disheartening since (like the rest of me) my boobs are looking a little worse for wear. I'm doing some research on lifts, tucks, and other surgical options for way down the road when I've reached goal weight and stayed there for a bit. I'd hate to think that after working so hard for so long I'll have the nasty wrinkly skin of The Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth.

Goals.

On the plus side, I can see a bit of definition around my collarbone now - I've always liked how that looks on women and our backstage lights are particularly flattering. And of course I can't deny the immense help to my figure (and confidence) that a good bra can be.

Today is a walking day (I'll run tomorrow when I have a bit more freedom between auditions and performance. Oh have I mentioned I have two auditions, for four projects, tomorrow morning and I'm not feeling prepared? No? I'M FRIED.)

"tiny" (Whole50, Day 19)

On Sunday, I had a long technical rehearsal for The MoMologues, after which Panda and I got gussied up and drove from Gilroy to San Jose History Park for Silicon Valley Shakespeare Company's annual volunteer appreciation night.

I wore the Kaylee corset I bought at Comic-Con this past summer. Remember it?

It was a fun night and I got to reconnect with a few awesome people from my time working on The Comedy of Errors. It made me excited for the 2016 season auditions (which occur this Saturday, and for which I need to find a song...ursghlrdeflkgh). My lovely friend Kiera won the special award as Intern of the Year, and it was announced she'll be returning in 2016 as ASM for Julius Caesar.

I wish I'd thought to have someone take a full-length photo of me. I'm proud of the Kaylee cosplay I'm cobbling together. One nice photo was taken, of me and Angie (always resplendent but especially so in an emerald PinUpCouture dress):

I don't know why I can't just make a normal face when I get my picture taken.

With the corset on (which I'd adjusted myself - I am very pleased with myself about this) I was able to notice a pretty dramatic difference in my waist and upper body size. Renaissance and reformation-style clothing has always suited me (strapped in on top, voluminous skirts) and I'm looking forward to experimenting more with clothing and costuming as my fitness improves and I have more time to devote to clothing.

Anyway, there was nothing at this shindig I could eat on my Whole50, and I hadn't had anything since brunch that day (for Jen's birthday!). So after the party, Panda and I went to Safeway to grab me a couple of things to eat at home. I still had my costume on (although I'd thrown a grey sweatshirt over the top) and as we went through the checkout line, I mentioned to the checker that I really liked her sparkly black shrug. 

"Thanks!" she said. "I've had it probably ten years. It was a...I think a Lane Bryant or a Torrid or something."

"Oh, I love those," I said. And it's true - I've shopped at both of those stores, which cater mostly to plus-sized girls, many times.

She stopped what she was doing and gave me a strange (distrusting?) look. "Really?" she said.

I didn't know what to say. What kind of a weird ass response is that?

She continued, looking me up and down. "You're tiny."

Well THAT stopped me cold. In the course of my life, whatever my weight has been, I don't think anyone has ever, EVER called me "tiny." I tried to pretend to laugh, but it came out as a weird chortle-cough-awkward noise-thing, and I scrambled some words together: "You're very kind to say so. It's just, um, I'm wearing a corset so it's..um. Yeah I'm not."

Smooth.

But it seemed to relax her a bit. "Oh you got a waist on you, that makes sense. Yeah, my mom has a beautiful figure like that. I wish I could have her figure, but you know, I'm chubby..." and I smiled and realized there wasn't a good response for that...in the past I have always been able to voice my sympathy. And I am sympathetic (I was around this lady's size when I started this whole thing.) But nothing I can say to her would bring that sentiment across in a genuine way.

We chatted a bit more as she rang me up, about her old gig working at the Bed Bath and Beyond and how once one of her checkers accidentally rang someone up for like $13,000 in duvets accidentally. She wished us a blessed night as we left.

I'm not tiny. Even if I lose all the weight I want to, I won't ever be tiny. My bone structure and my height would preclude that. And even if that's what I wanted, it didn't feel like a compliment.

Was it ever a compliment? Even when I was bigger and all I wanted was to be tinier?

I don't know.

And How Woozy My Eyes (Whole50, Day 15)

I feel like I've been very busy lately, although truly it's been much calmer than it was at the end of last year. My energy levels are weird.

Honestly, I felt the best after the first day incorporating "fast runs" into my 5k to 10k training. It's torturous and really hard, and it took forever to calm my breathing down afterwards, and I was all sweaty and gross...but later than night my body felt heavy and tired (in a good way) so I was more inclined to fall asleep early and get some rest.

Today's just a 35-minute "steady run", so nothing too crazy. I will try and keep my pace around 11-minutes-per-mile. The last couple of days I've gone just under an 11-minute-mile average, which is good. I don't think I'll ever be lightning-fast, but that's a decent gauge for me to be working hard without blacking out from effort.

Again - I don't really feel smaller or less bloated on this Whole50, like I have on some programs. I have been trying different things to snack on, which may have something to do with it, but nothing crazy or in large amounts. Fingers crossed for a 9-lb loss at the end of this one.

Panda just celebrated his birthday! We went out to eat and were able to find decent enough healthy options (simple grilled salmon and green beans for me, steak and a potato for him) and he's having a night out with pizza and beer this weekend (I'll be drinking my usual ten gallons of iced tea and enjoying people's company.) ;-)

Nightmare (Whole50, Day 6)

Last night I went to bed at a (slightly more) reasonable hour...and promptly had one of the more disturbing nightmares I've had in a long time.

It was very vivid and really upsetting, and even in the dream universe (where I believed events were really unfolding) I was thinking "this is going to seriously mess my mind up."

I jolted awake around 1AM...I'm not sure if it was something in the dream or if there was a noise or a cat stepped on me or what. I checked the time and remembered being kind of relieved that it wasn't, say, 5 or 6. I was able to get back to sleep after that but didn't feel really rested. Getting up was still hard.

Getting up every day has been extra sucky lately. I'm not sure why. I'm going to make an effort to get to bed earlier.

For some reason I feel bigger, not smaller, during this Whole50. I catch glimpses of myself in windows or mirrors as I pass and I think my face and belly look chubbier than they did a few weeks ago, or even at Christmas. I can't figure out what the deal is. It's frustrating but I am trying very hard to be good to myself no matter what I look like.

Yesterday I completed the second 5K to 10K workout, which included a "tempo run." The app described it as a "hard but controlled" pace. Which is kind of strange, because right now for me just jogging feels hard but controlled. I felt like I was working harder on the tempo run part than I was on the regular jogging part, although the change wasn't very dramatic. But I averaged a 10:41-minute mile during the workout, which is an improvement. So, little steps towards success.

I registered for the (official) Color Run in San Jose this May. By then I hope to have completed the 5K to 10K workouts and be training using the 10K to Half app; my friend Ashley and I are planning on going to Paris for the first Disneyland Paris Half Marathon. ...I know. I'm pretty sure this in itself is a weird dream and my nightmare from last night was some kind of inception-style dream within a dream.

Food's the same. Good, not difficult, just boring sometimes. Drinking lots of coffee...made a dentist appt for next week and am planning on asking Dr. Casey for some more of that whitening gel I used last time.

My brain's pretty fried today. Thankfully, things are a little quieter at work. Going to go for a walk later and continue with the audiobooks.

Back to the Grind. (Whole50, Day 4)

Last night was a flop, step-wise. I didn't make it to 10K and it really bothered me, especially this early in the program. I considered starting over today or tomorrow and making this one a Whole45, but decided it wouldn't change much, label-wise, and it's more encouraging for me to continue doing what I'm doing, admit I stumbled a bit but not give up or modify my plans.

Getting up this morning was awful. First day back after a 3-day weekend, plus a late night before: Despite last night's walking failure, I had a great time out with my friend Bruce (a fellow Christmas Carol-er). We went to a screening of "Room," and then had some dinner and chatted afterward. When I got home, Panda and I watched a bunch of Howard Stern on YouTube and just laughed our asses off. Such a nice night, it was worth feeling sluggish today.

I ran the first workout of the 5K to 10K app today, and it was hard. Really hard. It was only a 20-minute steady run (the last few workouts of C25K were 30 minutes, and I ran the actual 5K in 38 minutes), but because I'd been resting for so many days I think my lungs forgot how to work while I was actually moving quickly.

But, I finished, sweated off half my makeup (oh, right, I wore makeup today - I'm making more of an effort to look like a grown-up at work...I need to buy some makeup wipes so I can remove/ reapply on running days) and got a bunch of steps in. I should be able to hit 10K before the end of the day just from walking around.

Back to work this morning. Wasn't too bad. Was actually expecting more craziness.

Back to rehearsal this evening. Off-book for act one. Cross your fingers I remember everything.

And we're back.

Beginning Anew, Again (Whole50, Day One)

Today has been a strange mix of feelings. I think a lot of it has to do with sugar withdrawal, since I did end up eating quite a lot of junk food over the holiday. It was delicious, and I loved it, but I kind of knew I was setting myself up for a rough couple of first days.

We went to a friend's house tonight, and saw a few people that I know. It was really nice to catch up with them, but I ended up leaving feeling as though everyone in the room hated me and I couldn't stop saying stupid things. It's the kind of thing I used to feel in high school and college a lot. I'm convinced that it has something to do with all the junk food, and having sugar withdrawals now, since it's been a while since I felt so socially inept. But perhaps I'm just operating on too little sleep.

I annotated my Facebook note about 2015, and added a new one about 2016. This highlights my goals for the upcoming year. I am excited, but also a little discouraged, to see that despite having lost so much weight I was still so far from my original goal. It's hard to accept that the original 10-month goal that I set for myself wasn't really realistic. But, one of the goals I set for 2016 was to love, respect, and take care of myself,  no matter what I look like (and no matter what the numbers are on the scale.)

I am dictating this into my phone, because I almost forgot to post a blog entry, and I didn't want to get up and go in the other room and use my laptop. Hooray for laziness! But, I will say, I did go for a long walk today and got all 10,000 steps in on the FitBit. And so, the streak begins anew.

Weight loss goal for this Whole50 is 9 pounds, to bring me down to 175. Side goals are exceeding 10k steps on the FitBit, continuing to run using 5K to 10K on my phone, and drinking more water, which I neglect too often.

That's all for tonight. Happy New Year.