Insane-ness (Whole70, Day 25)

Everything's flying around and on fire but I'm trying to stay centered. Having control over food is helping a little. This new FitBit thing is also encouraging, buzzing to remind me to get up and walk (which clears my head) every hour.

It took a little while to start to see weirdness in my skin, but I think after about 14-15 days was when I really noticed it changing. It's not super dry yet but it's different...the texture went from regular bad skin, to sandpaper-gross skin, to now just...I don't know how to describe it except "gross purging skin." Sorry if that's too much information.

My lips are the only thing that are really dry, but thankfully I haven't had peeling or cracking to any serious degree because I have been religious about applying lip balm.

My dermatologist introduced me to tinted sunscreen, which is THE BEST EVER. Even driving the 20 minutes to work in the morning, without sunscreen, now earns me a bright pink burn on my face and neck. Ugh.

In other (food) news, I bought groceries last night (but it was too hot to cook), and tonight I'll be batching:

• Cottage pie with mashed cauliflower (this one's in regular rotation; super yummy and the recipe makes a ton)
• Bacon (for breakfasts, and in order to reserve the grease for other cooking)
• Chicken and Brussels sprouts
• Braised kale and carrots
• Roasted carrots with curry spices (I have a lot of carrots to get through)
• ..................I can't remember the other thing but I bought supplies for at least one other thing.

I've also been trying to eat sauerkraut on a regular basis (not a ton of it, just a bit) in order to get the probiotic benefits. I'd been taking probiotic supplements on my doctor's advice, but they're expensive and pretty much everything I read says food sources are much more effective. So we shall see. No yogurt on Whole70 but in the past that has helped too, so maybe when I'm off-plan I'll incorporate some yogurt and see how I feel.

So much going on. I could really use some of that legendary energy and vim and vigor that people talk about on these things. >.< Grrr...

Where is this Fatigue Coming From? (Whole70, Day 4)

So...

I've been feeling a bit dead on my feet lately. Not sure if it's because of girl time, because of sugar withdrawal from going back on-plan, from more physical exertion, or from the iso (it feels weird to use a defunct brand name, so instead of "Accutane" or "isotretinoin" I'll just call it "iso" and hope it catches on. I'm hip like that).

It may also be the depression. I don't quite go Melancholia-level catatonic, but I've been in and out of these periodic dips often enough to recognize when my body and mind just want to hide in a blanket fort, turn off my phone, and dream of faraway adventures.

Speaking of which, my dreams have been very strange lately. I can only remember little bits and pieces, but I wake up going "omigod that was insane" and watching the images recede into my subconscious as though into a black hole, so that by the time I find a pen to write down what I'd been dreaming it's completely gone and I'm left with a confused and frustrated...aftertaste. I'm sure there's a better word than that, but I hope you'll forgive me: I'm exhausted.

As far as the iso goes, I haven't really noticed any changes in the first four days. I've been babying my face with moisturizer and heavy-duty lip balm, but it looks and feels the same as it usually does (maybe a BIT more flakey? It's been dry for a long time...). It's probably because this introductory dose is so low. It'll likely get bumped up to nuclear levels in the coming months.

It is very good I'm back on plan...in the last few weeks I'd noticed that I was tending to drink more and more booze when going out with friends (and even when home by myself before bed)...and my tolerance is pretty low anyway, so the shame and "oh GOD what stupid thing have I gone and said now" were raging. I'm off booze for Whole70, but also likely for the duration of the iso, because apparently it lowers your tolerance...and when a single cocktail renders me Zelda Fitzgerald, I'm guessing I should just not touch the stuff while my liver's processing all this Vitamin A. Just a hunch.

I need a blanket fort.

A Single Step (Whole70, Day 1)

Well, I've started (again) and I'm glad to be back on a plan.

I went to my 6AM boot camp class (even though I really, really didn't want to, haha). I took my first isotretinoin pill at 8AM and am anxiously awaiting the dry, chapped skin and cracked lips that everyone has warned me will plague me for the first few weeks. I ate my eggs and avocados, drank my black coffee, and have my chicken and Brussels sprouts (and plantain chips) packed for lunch.

Tonight I'll be doing laundry and cleaning, and setting aside (or tossing) a bunch of face products I can no longer use.

It's 9:30 and I'm already ready to go back to bed, haha. Oh! And it's day one of Girl Time (tmi...sorry) so there's that too.

It's just a big heaping helping of DAY ONE today. But I'm here. I'm still here.

Roaring Back (Whole70, Day -2)

Hello *waves* remember me?

So much has happened. Life has been upside-down, inside-out and completely fantastic and frightening and wonderful and scary and sad and ...just insane. Absolutely insane.

I have spent 2018 so far not being on a WholeSomething, with the exception of January's traditional Whole30. And it hasn't gone very well. While in general I make healthier choices, the lack of structure has been discouraging and I haven't been great about food, exercise, or (cringe) alcohol. I've definitely overdone it (and enjoyed it immensely) but I know it's not doing me any favors. Some pounds have crept back on, and I already had a lot left to lose.

So I'm getting serious again and making plans, and batch-cooking, and setting up a brand-new FitBit Versa, and setting more goals.

The structure works best for me. I want another transformation. So I'm going to make this happen, and a big part of that is keeping myself honest and writing about it here.

In the last few months, I have gone through some...adventures. But the highlights are:

• Performed in The Laramie Project, one of the two best things I've ever had the privilege to do
• Performed in Distracted, the other one of the two best things. We close tomorrow and it's going to break my heart into pieces when it's over
• Which is why I'm planning to throw myself back into my health and fitness
• Ended my long-term relationship with my boyfriend of eight years (nothing terrible or melodramatic; we've grown apart, I still love him and want the very best for him and want to be his friend and have him in my life)
• Put myself out there for a lot more auditions (which is continuing...)

Beginning on Monday, I will be:

• Starting a Whole70 (I know...it's a long one; basically it'll be 71 days until my 34th birthday so I'll give myself the option to cut loose that day and have cake and Champagne, but the name of the game here is consistency and self-care. And I want results, which takes a big commitment)
• Beginning isotretinoin (aka Accutane). I've been seeing a dermatologist I really like and have been through numerous prescription treatments for my moderate, up-and-down acne since my teens. This is the big guns, and I'm excited and a little anxious
• Exercising (here's where the FitBit will help.) I'm taking classes three days a week, boot-camp-style high intensity interval training. Two days a week I will start running again, since cardio is most necessary to lose as much extra weight as I'd like to (but of course I want to build some stronger muscles and keep my bones safe, hence the HIIT classes). I'm considering using the 5K to 10K app again just to have structure for it, but that would be three days a week of running (thus six days a week of exercising). I don't know how sustainable that would be, but for 70 days I think I could do it. Otherwise, I'll just do a 20-30 minute run, twice a week.
• I only have one more week on my pass for the boot camp class I'm taking now, but I'm going to see about getting another Groupon for a different class or possibly finding a different option at the gym where I'm a member
• Writing. This has helped me a lot, to see progress and vent and all that crazy stuff
• Packing, purging, and organizing (because since the break up, I need to find a new place to live. Which will be an adventure and probably a lot of stress and heartache, because Bay Area housing is fucking insane...)

Which means this weekend, I am:

• Having my last mini-spa-day for a while (can't exfoliate or use face masks on Accutane)
• Eating a few treats (nothing crazy) and possibly having a Manhattan or two
• Closing this play
• Batch-cooking Whole30-friendly foods for the upcoming week or so
• Cottage pie (with mashed cauliflower)
• Crispy chicken with Brussels sprouts
• Braised kale and carrots
• Mexican beef
• Beginning to memorize lines for Much Ado About Nothing (rehearsals begin mid-June and I'll be playing Ursula)
• Getting my head in the game, psyching myself up, and assorted other things

I'm posting here, for myself (and anyone else who might still actually read this thing - thank you!) in order to give myself some additional accountability and motivation.

The name of the game is transformation, and growth. And self-love. This bitch is coming roaring back.