"I'm So Stressed By My Stress I Just Wanna Up and Vomit" (12/30)

I've had a bad day.

I hate bad days because if I let myself get too stressed out (I did...more than once) then it just fries my brain and makes things worse. It also skews my perspective so small bad things seem like big bad things and...well, it's just been one of those days. 

Which means I'll probably gain forty pounds just sitting here stewing. FANTASTIC.

I should really get myself some iced coffee or an apple or something before my poor friends have to carpool with me to Gilroy. I really don't need to be a total bitch to them; it's not their fault today is so stupid.

Grrr.....

Oh Look, Another Monday. (9/30)

I really shouldn't complain. I'm lucky - I like my job, and I'm making more money now than I ever have. Sure, I live in the Silicon Valley and I'm still under the average (and WAY under the median) wage for this area, but I can still make it work and I'm excited to put lots of money away in savings and retirement. Plus I get to work with people I like, in an air-conditioned building, AND I have a reverse commute (my fellow Californians know what I'm talking about. Commuting SUCKS.)

I've been on the lookout for a suit, to act as my costume for Spelling Bee. My mom lent me one, and it's a beautiful suit but it's black and HEAVY (one of the reasons it looks so good), which unfortunately means it's going to be hotter than Hades under the lights during the show. I'm bringing it to show the director tonight. A good friend also volunteered to lend me her pretty brown one, and that may end up being a better alternative.

My mom asked me what size I was when I initially mentioned needing a suit, and I just sort of blanked out because I didn't know what my current size was. That was really strange. I don't know how it is for men, but women's dress sizes seem to change from item to item (and "vanity sizing" changes things even more), plus some items have numbers while others have S,M,L,XL etc and the guidelines for the letter sizes are all different...basically there's no hard nose way of telling what size I am on any given day, so I need to try things on.

Hence, the small number of things in my "capsule wardrobe" right now. And the fact that I'm not investing in any expensive clothing items until I've reached a size I think I'll remain for the long haul. Being in a transition size is...well, it's a crapshoot from day to day.

Now that I'm not doing OT anymore (and my schedule's fairly regular again, ...I think), I'm considering the early morning gym routine again. I'll talk to Panda about it tonight. I really really (really) want to jump start this thing again and start seeing significant results. I've been very good about food; now I need to get super serious about exercise.

Opportunities (4/30)

Today's lunch was leftover chicken and Brussels sprouts. It's one of my favorite dishes to cook, except that this time I messed something up with the vegetables-to-liquid ratio and the sprouts ended up a little mushy, not crispy on the outside like I really love. They were still delicious, though.

I have Kalua pig in the slow cooker for tonight's dinner. Panda and I are off from rehearsal, so it'll be a nice evening in. I've been feeling...off. Wonky. Occasionally achey or stiff. I don't know how much of that is the food and how much is the new schedule (I haven't been exercising outside like I was in Comedy of Errors, and I'm working a bunch of overtime at work to earn some extra money).

Some of it has to be this horrible heat. Even with blackout curtains and fans, it's just too hot. I hate the heat.

On a nicer note, I found this article via a friend's Facebook post today, and it made me really happy to see. This writer is articulate, engaging, and awesome. She is beautiful and has an attitude to match.

Not much else to report, I'm afraid. The last few days have been pretty routine. I do think I'm finally over the withdrawal from (...sugar? caffeine?), which is nice because that first day my head was in pieces. Hoping very much for my brain and body to start feeling a bit brighter and clearer.

A New Adventure. (1/30)

So. Weights and measurements taken this morning. Gained weight back between Whole50 and this modified Whole30, but I'm confident at least some of that will drop off in the first couple of days.

So I'll be feeling things out each day, making sure my food choices are low carb as well as Whole30-appropriate.

My birthday was really fun. We had awesome sushi and sake, then saw Ant-Man in Imax 3D. And last night we saw a friend's cabaret performance in a nice restaurant and (because it was a clean-up day) I enjoyed some iced tea and an Empress Salad, which I'd never tried before.

We'll see how I feel within the next few days - right now I still feel pretty ugggghhhhh, especially considering what feels like a caffeine-related headache, since I haven't had any coffee or tea yet today.

Anyway! Off to rehearsal.

Swollen.

It's my last day as a 30-year-old. I'm at work, and later I'll be at rehearsal where I was told there might be cake. That'll be fun.

Both my mom and Panda have gone out of their way to make fun plans for tomorrow night (Friday, my actual birthday). Then on Saturday, I'm pretty sure I'll be drinking lemon water and eating only a couple of fibrous vegetables in preparation for Sunday's weights, measurements, and official Day One malarkey.

I went through Facebook today looking for a photo to post for Throwback Thursday, and was kind of taken aback by some older photos of myself. They seem much bigger. The whole shape of my face is different. Don't get me wrong -- as Artie Lange would say, "it's not like I'm Calista Flockhart now" -- I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be, but I'm certainly much closer than I was a couple of years ago. My whole shape is just...I don't know what the right word is. It's different. It was kind of gratifying to be able to see a difference in myself, since the change has been so gradual and slow.

That being said, I do feel really bloated and swollen these past few days. It's uncomfortable and it's inhibited my sleep (very disappointing, since I LOVE sleep). I won't be surprised (but I'd still be disappointed) if Sunday's weigh in revealed a gain of at least what I lost on Whole50, if not more. But, I'm thinking the first few of those pounds will drop off fairly quickly (they usually do) since they're likely retained water from all the added salt and junk food I've been enjoying on my off-season.

A very slender friend has started texting me her diet woes. I want to be sympathetic (whatever your size, we're all human and we're all allowed to be insecure) but it's like...hard wired in me to get annoyed and defensive. If you're not technically overweight at all (never mind obese) you can complain about your fatness...to your other skinny friends who can relate. Like, I can complain about money problems to my other middle-working-class white people here in California...but I'm not gonna go crying to some woman living on the streets with no income, no insurance and ten babies to feed. That would be stupid and extremely inconsiderate. It's important to have perspective - in all aspects of life.

So I'm trying, even when I have a shitty day and feel like an ugly fat walrus, to remember the following:

• I can still walk, and sometimes run. I have the use of all my limbs, my brain, and my senses. I'm not in a wheelchair and I haven't lost my faculties to diseases like diabetes
• For that matter, I'm not diabetic. That's fortunate, since the diabetics I know deal with much bigger struggles than I do
• I have the ability, and the means, to buy and cook foods that will make me healthier and help me change my shape
• I'm learning to enjoy life every day, even though this isn't "the after picture" - I don't want to feel like I'm always going "I'll be happy when..." because that seems counterintuitive. Sure, I'll be happy when I'm 150 lbs and normal size and able to buy nice clothes straight off the rack from places. But I'm also happy NOW, because despite regular stuff here and there, my life's pretty good!

This has been deep thoughts with Dana. Now back to your regularly-scheduled snark.

Date Correction

I'm actually going to include a Day 0 in the next 30-day plan, so July 18th will be Day 0 and Day 30 (last day) will be August 17th.

Day 0 will be the clean-up day, the grocery-buying and cooking day, etc, and then Day 1 (July 19th) will be the day I weigh, measure, etc.

I'm writing it down so that I don't forget and put pressure on myself not to falter. ;-)

Whole50 Results, Comic-Con, and Other Thoughts

Well, I lost 10 pounds on my Whole50.

I was 10 lbs short of my Whole50 goal, and to be honest, I was more confused than disappointed. I mean, how do you lose 15 lbs in 45 days, then only 10 lbs in 50 days following the same eating plan and doing MORE physical exercise?...

But, I swallowed my bad feelings and had a fun (chaotic!) time at Comic-Con. I cut loose on food and booze and wasn't feeling too hot on the second day, let me tell you.

We visited the Pendragon costume booth, where they make beautiful corsets and corset dresses, and an overbust corset with the pattern of Kaylee's parasol (from Firefly) caught my eye. It was in a size much too small for me, so I chatted with the costumers and tried on a couple of other pieces (including a cool Haunted Mansion pattern!). They kept going down in size, because we couldn't figure out what fit me best. In the end, the lady fitting me said "I think I actually want to try you in THIS size" (the size of the parasol corset). The one I was wearing (already 12 sizes -!!!- smaller than what I'd thought I was) fit fine and could be cinched in tighter, but since I told her I was planning on losing about 60 more pounds overall, she said going one more size down was safer and would allow for more adjustments as I went.

We tried on the Kaylee corset. IT FIT. It made my waist look much smaller and, even though my upper back and boobs were kind of bulging out at the top, it actually looked really good.

I didn't get a photo of me in the corset, but here's the pattern (as well as the necklace and patches I bought from the California Browncoats booth to help me build a cosplay around it).

The yellow fabric on top is a cute shrug I plan on wearing under the corset, at least until I get the "back bulge" under control

I also tried on a corset dress in a pretty Belle blue, and that fit nicely and gave me awesome ideas for cosplay, but it was a little too pricey for me so I'm going to wait until next year.

So. I do feel better and I definitely concede the health benefits of a Whole30 (or -45 or -50), but as far as straight up weight loss I have not been seeing the results I would like, so I am going to make some adjustments for myself. Specifically:

1. For the next (30-day) program I undertake after my birthday, I will go back on a Whole30 eating plan with the following tweaks.
1. No white potatoes
2. No sweet potatoes (I absolutely agree both of these things are good for you, but I will be reducing my intake os starches overall in order to lose more weight)
3. Limiting fruit intake to 1 or 2 items a day, and making sure those are lower in sugar, namely berries and canteloupe (I love dates, I really do...but they are VERY sugary)
4. No coconut water (again, I think this is a healthy food, but it has a lot more natural sugar than plain water and also it's really to expensive to drink on a regular basis)
2. I will keep the following tenets of the program the same
1. No alcohol
2. No dairy (I considered adding cheese back in, since it's not really "bad" for you, but I found I didn't really miss it on a Whole30 and I tend to overindulge on it anyway)
3. No refined sugars or sweeteners (again, I considered allowing Splenda, but to be honest it's probably healthier to just avoid the artificial sweeteners altogether)
4. No grains
5. No legumes...although I don't believe they're really bad for you, I haven't missed them while on Whole30. I get lots of protein from the meat I eat, and cutting out the additional starches can't hurt in a weight loss campaign.
6. Focusing on lots of vegetables, meat and eggs, and definitely focusing on home-cooked food.
7. Daily exercise (I think I should take a daily walk at lunch to get my 10K steps in on the FitBit - packing my lunch and eating at my desk will ave some time!)

Because it's (extremely) likely I gained back that 10-lb loss in the past few days eating junk food, I'll be taking it extra easy in the next couple of days, drinking water, allowing treats but getting back into the good-food habit, so I'm not starting off a mile behind on the 18th (program will be July 18th through August 16th and will include TWO friends' weddings, so it'll be an exercise in declining temptations and enjoying other things besides food, like the company of good friends and the rehearsal process for Spelling Bee).

Do I wish the whole process was faster? OF COURSE I DO. Even more so, I wish I'd been eating healthfully and exercising my whole life so I wasn't starting off with so much to change. BUT. It's important to focus on the following:

• I'm 76 lbs down from my highest (recorded) weight, and 45 lbs down from the beginning of this year when this whole Whole30 adventure began. That's not insignificant, especially for someone like me whose life looks like a series of "Before" photos
• I was emptying the iPhoto "trash" on my computer and found a "hard truth" picture I'd taken of myself at my highest weight, and I can absolutely see a difference in my size and in the look on my face.
• I am finding foods that I love and enjoy that are also healthy for me and can help me in succeeding with weight loss. Food isn't the enemy, and I like that this is a positive process and not a negative shaming one.
• I have less than 100lbs to go until I hit my overall goal weight. Next milestone goal is only 10 lbs away, which I truly believe I can accomplish in the 30 day program I have coming up.
• Kaylee corset
• Fun things in the pipeline, not the least of which is Spelling Bee and my new job in marketing which will give me things to focus on other than food and my fat ass, haha

You know what, screw it: I have been avoiding numbers on here and photos of myself because I am terrified of the reaction (scorn, pity, whatever) but I'm resolving to be more brave and to embrace myself THROUGHOUT this process. 

Goal for Whole50 was to get under 200 pounds. I finished at 209. That's why a 10lb weight loss still felt like such a failure. And, I haven't seen the light side of 200 for almost 10 years now. 

Overall goal is 150 lbs (although I'll likely reevaluate throughout - I was 160 at my lightest in college and while I wasn't skinny by any means, I was healthy and limber and pretty happy with how I looked).

So now you know. Oh, and here's me trying on the Belle dress at Pendragon (with Rainbow Brite and Buddy Blue):

One day I'll be as well-coordinated as these fabulous ladies

No more shame or hiding. I may not be close to where I want to be, but I'm proud of myself for making it this far. And I'm going to keep on working, and taking care of myself, and enjoying my life.

Slaínte. :-)

Last and Longest Day. (Whole50, Day 50)

I'm too nervous about tomorrow's results. I'm trying to think of tricks that might help me shave a pound or two off the morning weigh-in, which is completely contrary to the whole spirit of this thing (I'm meant to be losing weight, yes, but in a healthful, permanent, and non-obsessive way).

Ironically, one of the reasons I'm stressing so much over it is because there is so much actual other shit over which to stress. My dad's in the hospital (has been in there for several days), so I'm worried about him; my mom's car was broken into the other night and several of her belongings taken (by a worthless sack of human garbage), we're traveling to Comic-Con tomorrow morning which will be fun but it's also a stressful crowded situation AND we're having a shorter trip, so it's imperative that I try to LOWER my stress levels about everything, and, well...it's just been a bit of a high-blood-pressure couple of days.

Which probably means that in the last 50 days I've gained 60 pounds. Because that's how my body likes to reward me for surviving minor challenges.

I'm remembering. I'm remembering to breathe. I'm breathing. I promise.

I Love Camping. (Whole50, Day 49)

I had a wonderful time camping. I want to go camping again. Just as soon as my horrible bug bites have calmed down – those little suckers ate me alive.

As it turns out, it’s entirely possible to go camping with friends while following Whole30 guidelines. The only thing I really missed was being able to drink alcohol, but even that wasn’t too terrible. And it may have been helped by the fact that a bunch of people there had their own dietary quirks (most of the families were gluten-free. Technically I am, too, on this plan, but I don’t eat products like gluten-free bread or hamburger buns which half the campers loved and the other half teased about.) I brought way too many supplies and way too much food; next time I’ll bring MAYBE 30% of that. I brought with me:

• 8 packages of Aidell’s sausages (4 chicken and apple, 4 artichoke and garlic.) This was excessive; I’d anticipated feeding everyone. We ate a couple but I brought most of this home.
• 18 eggs (this was just stupid. EVERYONE brought eggs. I should have brought only enough for myself for 3 days, which would have been 6-9.) 
• Coffee (not stupid at all)
• Macadamia nuts
• A package of really good (but too $$$) Medjool dates. These can be “roasted” over the fire like marshmallows, but really all that does is warm them up. It’s good and all, but kind of unnecessary. I’m fine just eating the dates out of the package, or stuffing them with nuts like I did on this trip. I *should* have wrapped them in bacon before roasting.
• Bacon
• A pineapple, in the hopes of grilling it (We didn’t, and it’s now in my fridge)
• 3 apples
• 3 bananas
• 3 pears (all the single-serving fruit was eaten; that is a GREAT thing to bring camping, especially for a grazer like me)
• 2 gallons of drinking water, frozen/thawed (Not enough. Next time bringing at least a gallon for each day, plus one for good luck)
• 2 bottles of Tejava
• 2 liters of coconut water, frozen/ thawed (excellent, although it took a long time to thaw out. And next time will only freeze half-full containers of water and coconut water – the expanding liquid really busted up the containers and caused leaks!)
• 6 sweet potatoes (we didn’t end up using)
• 2 bags baby red potatoes (used 1 – really good)
• 2 yellow onions (used 1)
• 2 green peppers (used 1)
• 6 avocados (too many!) plus limes and red onion to make guac (delicious but too labor-intensive – will make at home next time)
• Condiments and prep things (salt, pepper, tabasco, steak seasoning, etc)

All this plus my little camping kit (plates and flatware, 2-burner stove, etc) took up a lot of room and were mostly unnecessary since two of the guys on the trip basically created these amazing dishes for each meal. BUT, I proved to myself there are plenty of awesome foods to eat in the woods, and I retrained myself on things like setting up and breaking down my own tent, using my little propane stove (handed down from my mom – that thing is awesome!), all sorts of things.

I didn’t get sunburned but I did get really badly bug-bitten, and on my face, too. Lovely, eh? Haha.

But oh man…you guys should see this place. We were in the middle of the redwoods in Richardson Grove State Park, and the scenery was just to die for. The air smelled amazing. And even though it got a little too warm for my tastes during the day, at night it was nice and cool without being too chilly.

We swam in an actual swimming hole. Surrounded by these majestic redwood trees, deep enough to dive into, nice cool water with breezes to cool you off. That was one of my favorite things about the whole trip. And even though I was *disgusting* when I got home, and that first shower was glorious, it was a little melancholy to wash the river out of my hair!

We also wandered up to the Avenue of the Giants, which I hadn’t visited since childhood. I don’t even know how to describe it – for folks who haven’t visited redwood forests, just think of The Lord of the Rings. There’s something almost magical about these ancient trees. 

On the actual 4th of July, our group packed up and drove to the Benbow Inn, where we set up a picnic area on their massive lawn and watched the fireworks. I’ve never, ever seen fireworks so close. It was outstanding.

While I didn’t know everyone in this camping group, I liked the dynamic and thought everyone there was cool and fun. I tend to be more social when I’m around people I know, so I stuck pretty close to my friends, but it was nice to meet new people and go on outdoor adventures. It meant a lot to me to be included in this trip.

Some things I will do differently on my next camping trip:

1. BRING LESS STUFF. It is great to be prepared, but next time I will bring only the essentials (and not forget my damn headlamp!) and leave non-essentials, or foods I don’t think I’ll eat, at home.
2. Find a way to effectively clean my tent. I inherited this 20-year-old Coleman dome tent from my mom, and I *love* it. It’s nice and big, easy to set up and tear down, and really durable, but it’s showing its age with lots of dirt. I sweep out the floors before breaking it down, but I wonder if the ripstop itself can be like…laundered or washed? I will research this.
3. Take more time to just sit and relax and do nothing. I love hiking and swimming (hell, I wish we could have done *more* on this trip) but a friend of mine took it really easy this time and stayed mostly around the fire relaxing and recharging his batteries, and I thought that was really smart of him. That brings me to my next thing:
4. Carve out a longer trip. I think we all agreed we could have done with at least one more day of camping. I was only there from Friday through Sunday (the others drove up on Thursday) and it was really fun, but also really busy and labor-intensive. Another day where we could have had nothing planned, just hung around and chatted or gone swimming or something, without having to worry about tearing down and packing up, would have been great.
5. Bring my own car. On this trip, Panda drove me the long distance to the campsite and hung out for a bit, then he headed home in my car (he prefers not to camp). I have 2 terrific friends who were kind enough to give me a lift back to the Bay Area, but I felt bad for adding to their load (again, I brought way too much stuff) and adding responsibility and pressure to their drive home. I owe them a huge debt of gratitude - those guys are amazing. In addition to being where my stuff will go, having my own car will also give me more flexibility on arrival and departure. Which brings me to:
6. Leave earlier in the day. Oh man – that traffic was ridiculous on the drive home! I’m really thankful I rode with friends, so I had someone fun to chat with me and keep me sane. Driving up crazy-early with Panda on the first day was the best thing we could have done. 4 hours, NO traffic.
7. Smear bug repellent all over myself on top of my super-strong SPF. Either that, or find a way to make my blood somehow poisonous to the pests in the woods, so if they bite me they die a horrible painful fiery bug death as punishment.

It had been way too long since I’d been camping. I don’t want to wait so long before the next time. Alas, I’ll be performing during Shrewsbury Faire again so I can’t work the Faire/ camp in King’s Valley this year, and Labor Day coincides with another performance weekend, so it may be a couple of months. But I’ll figure something out.

Anyone who’d like to camp with me (and enjoy some healthy treats!), let me know.

Tomorrow’s the last day of Whole50, and I’m crossing my fingers so hard my knuckles might crack. 

Weigh-in, and a flight to San Diego (with free drink coupons!) is Wednesday morning.

Remember to breathe. I have to remember to breathe. 

I only wish the air in my office were as nice as the air in the woods.