Shirts. (Whole50, Day 10)

I'm wearing one of my favorite work shirts today.

It doesn't look that great on me anymore.

For one thing, I'm 99% sure my bra size has downshifted (this often happens when I lose weight), so that area of the shirt isn't as...nicely shaped as it used to be. Also it hangs kind of funny on the sides, since I'm pretty sure I've lost a few inches there.

This was one of the few plus-sized garments I had that was properly fitted to both my chest and my tummy. While I'm grateful to be seeing (slow and steady) results in the weight-loss department, I am kind of miffed that I look like a kid dressing in grown-up clothes.

Ah well. I'll buy a new work wardrobe when the big money starts rolling in.

................................................................oh speaking of which I got a new job. More on that soon.

Taco-Flavored Kisses (Whole50, Day 7)

Tonight I made taco salad. I'm getting better with mixing the seasoning myself (gone are the days of the paper packets of "Taco Flavoring" from the grocery store...as yummy as they are, they kind of defeat the purpose of this clean unprocessed eating business) but I really need to work on my knife skills. I figured I'd go all gourmet and chop up some onions to cook along with the ground beef, and it ended up in gigantic chunks. Which would work fine if I was making stroganoff, but...yeah. Gotta practice.

I forgot to take a picture before I ate it. But trust me, it was delicious. Giant onion chunks and all.

Anyway it's been a busy few days - today's Memorial Day and it's our first day off in ages.

On Saturday night, we went to the opening night gala of Hairspray, which Panda Assistant-Directed. It was a truly impressive show - I've been seeing musicals at that theatre since I was about 11 or so, and that was the best production I've ever seen there. Really fun, hilarious, and absolutely meaningful when it needed to be. I met Paula Warren years ago when I worked on Finian's Rainbow, and was super excited to see her play Motormouth Mabel. Now, every member of that cast was very talented and absolutely suited to their roles (their Tracy, in particular, was outstanding). But Paula walked away with that show. I had to cover my face in the audience as I ugly-cried through "I Know Where I've Been." I'm not religious anymore, but the feeling in my heart upon hearing that song made me wonder if that's what the faithful feel when they hear an inspiring song at church. Seriously, it was that good. Paula Warren took me to CHURCH with that song.

TL;DR - if you're in the area, see this musical. It is just fucking tops. No lie.

Anyway we went to the gala afterwards and I had lots of water and some plain crudites...and a few compliments from people, which was helpful in me not stuffing my face with the always-tempting baked mac and cheese. I caught up with some cool theatre friends I hadn't seen in ages, and met some new ones.

Yesterday we took a day trip to Phoenix, AZ. No, that's not an exaggeration. It was for Panda's brother's wedding. We flew from San Jose to Phoenix (Panda wore his suit, I brought my dress along in a small tote bag), rented a car, I changed in the rental car restroom, and we drove to the venue. After the wedding we drove back to the airport and flew home. It was a long day but well worth it - it was a fun wedding. My Spanish is improving and I was very pleased that I was able to communicate with many of Panda's relatives as well as some of the bride's family, whom I'd never met.

Oh, Panda's family is Mexican. I may have forgotten to mention that. Heh...although my Spanish is better than his; he'd admitted it and his mom agrees. ;-)

The ceremony itself was in English and Spanish, which took a bit longer but was very sweet and kind of funny - the white minister speaking English was very VERY pro-Jesus, and all the people who don't have Jesus get divorced and aren't you glad you guys have Jesus because I'm sure you won't fail like everyone else...and the interpreter following him in Spanish was much friendlier, very Jesus loves you guys, God's so glad you two are getting married, isn't marriage great, Jesus is great. The white guy had no idea - it was clear he spoke zero Spanish.

There was a mariachi band. Panda's mom and I had THE BEST time listening to them; she's so funny. They sang "Volver, Volver" right by our table and she was practically conducting them with her big dancing arm-sweeps. It was adorable. His 12-year-old nephews were at our table too, and those kids are hilarious. One of them got ahold of the baby's tiny clip-on tie and swapped it out for his own, and when I said "ok I need a picture, do the Dos Equis pose" and he immediately put his elbow on the table and went all blue-steel in the face. I thought I'd die laughing. He wore that tiny tie for the rest of the evening, like a boss.

I love weddings.

And they actually had some food I could eat! I ended up drinking about 30 gallons of water since I couldn't have wine (and because it was Phoenix and I didn't want to die of dehydration...seriously, how do people survive in that heat) and eating lots of salad, roasted carrots and some chicken.

I got some nice compliments on my appearance, which was very encouraging. And the dress I chose at the last second (because it was clean, it still fits and is light enough to carry without a suitcase) ended up matching the bridal party like we'd planned it. For the second night in a row, I liked the way I looked. That very rarely happens for me. And although I still have to keep my arms covered (I wonder if there's a magical incantation just to remove arm fat...I'd be all over that) I felt a little thinner in this dress. And the strapless bra wasn't cutting off the circulation in my boobs like it used to!

It's the little things.

Anyway today was pretty productive since I didn't have to go anywhere. This coming week's another busy one, but thankfully tomorrow night I'm not called for Comedy of Errors so I can hit Musson and Sally Beauty Supply and restock my makeup kit (I cleaned and organized it for the first time in years today...I don't think my Ben Nye from middle school is still usable, quite frankly).

Minion-Speak (Whole50, Day 2)

One of the things I've noticed about the whole eating plan is you feel fine, good, normal, whatever, when you're on it and you only really notice you're feeling *better* when you go off it for a few days and feel like crap.

I guess that's fine, but all those weirdos on the Whole30 website ranting about boundless energy and feeling like a million bucks and (insert whatever ridiculous life improvement here) are erm...perhaps hyperbolizing. Just a tad.

Anyway I feel better today than I did 2 days ago, and I'm glad to be back on a clean eating plan where I know I'm not going to feel sick or overstuffed. Hopefully will lose some more weight too (please...), although exercising has been rough. I'm in rehearsal or workshops from now until ...forever from now so it's harder and harder to find an hour or so to go walking. I'm thinking of changing the goal on my FitBit to be 7500 or 5000 steps, but that would kind of defeat the object since I need to exercise MORE in order to lose more weight...I'm seriously considering next week going 5 days to the gym in the mornings and seeing how I feel. I'm considering it.

Nothing's set in stone yet.

Anyway we did a lot of clowning and fun transition work last night in the park (which is a really fun venue, by the way, even if I did get eaten alive by freaking mosquitoes.) We do a lot of vocal (non-verbal) "dialogue" during our clowning scenes and end up sounding like minions from Despicable Me.

And for those of us wearing headlamps when it gets dark, we kind of look like minions too (as confirmed by one of my castmates' 8-year-old daughter, our unofficial mascot for the production).

Goal for this week is to cook all groceries before they spoil. So far I'm good, AND I've remembered to bring my lunch every day. Although it's only Wednesday so I really shouldn't throw myself a parade *just* yet. . .

Cleaning Up (Whole50, Day 0)

First off, I'm sorry, I couldn't find my tape measure anywhere so I'll just measure myself when I find it.

So this time I was smart (well...relatively smart, I suppose) and counted back the days from the next big event I'm attending (Comic-Con, then a friend's wedding) to make sure I would be ok facing a longer date set for the next whole eating phase. I should be finishing up Whole50 right before Preview Night of SDCC 2015. Which is good...since we're missing Drunksquerade this year for my friend's awesome wedding in the woods, I figure we can just have...tipsy preview night or something. I don't know, I'll think of a better name before we get down there.

Anyway, as with the previous Whole30, I'm doing a "Day 0" cleanup so my first weigh-in hopefully doesn't include the thousand pounds I gained while eating junk food during my days off.

And oh, the lovely junk food. Over those five restful days I polished off the last quarter-bottle of Jameson I had, I sipped a Bailey's on the rocks before bed a couple of nights, Jen and I had Santa Barbara burgers at The Habit (I don't know who invented those things but MAN ALIVE they are yummy), Panda and I had waayyyyy too much delicious Mexican food at El Burro (seriously...their chile rellenos are outstanding but I was so full I thought I might pass out. Definitely overdid it. Oh and the margarita I drank was also outstanding), what else...I had ice cream, I had a gorgonzola scramble with an English muffin, I had all sorts of delicious indulgent foods. It was nice.

And I gotta say, it's working for me having a few days off and a bunch of days on. I kind of get the cravings for junk food out of my system, get back on the wagon with an end date set, rinse and repeat. The weight loss is coming off much slower than I'd like, but I am seeing small improvements as time goes on, and that's certainly better than nothing. If nothing else (I've said this too many times) it certainly can't HURT to eat more vegetables and less refined sugar.

Tonight we move our rehearsals for Comedy of Errors to the park where we'll be performing, and I'm excited about that. But, I have to figure out an exercise schedule. Now that I have the FitBit to track my steps, I either need to find a way to walk about 10K steps (5 miles or so) every day, OR get my ass up early and go to the gym to lift weights and do the steps on the elliptical or treadmill. . . . does anyone know if the FitBit measures steps on the elliptical/ treadmill? That seems like it would be important.

Not much else to report. Finished my 25th book of 2015 and am officially halfway through with my reading challenge. Other than that...welps...let's get started on Whole50.

At Least We're Out of the Tree (Whole45 Results)

I really didn't want to weigh in this morning. But I did, and I'm glad I did.

I lost 15 lbs on the Whole45. Granted, this is not much in the grand scheme of things (and I still have a very long way to go) but it's much more satisfying than the piddling results of Whole30v2, and right now any progress will be greeted with happiness.

Focusing on the positives:

• I didn't set a lbs-lost goal per se, but I did set an "I want to weigh in below XYZ lbs" goal for myself, and by a margin of 1lb, I achieved that goal. Next big milestone goal is within sight.
• From my all-time highest recorded weight I am down 66 lbs. Again, subjective to my overall goal this isn't much, but it's still a lot of weight to have lost and I'm glad it's gone.
• My fingernails are looking healthier, as is my hair (now that it's washed, haha). Little improvements are still improvements.
• I've really enjoyed walking more, even if my feet feel like they've been smashed with hammers. I don't tend to go outside as often as I'd like (Mr. Sun and I do not get along...he burns the crap outta me) so I've been making a point to go in the early evenings, when it's still light but I only need my regular sunblock. Even with summer coming it gets nice and cool and I really like the park and library by my house. 
• Also there are mallard ducklings and baby geese and those always make me happy.
• I've gotten used to eating different foods, and I don't feel deprived or sorry for myself forgoing things like dairy or sugar (which surprises me since I really like both of those food groups).
• I don't miss Diet Coke. This is a bit of a shocker because I really (really) like Diet Coke. But it wasn't that hard to go without. I'm not really tempted to have one on this rest period, to be honest. If I'm going to have a treat I'd rather it be something I really want. And that, too, is an improvement - finding myself choosing treats instead of going "Oh now I can have treats? I will have EVERYTHING WITH A SIDE OF CHILI FRIES PLEASE" is new for me. It's a nice surprise to find myself not inclined to gorge on everything in sight just because I can. Maybe that's one of those "invisible benefits" of the Whole30 plan, or any healthy eating plan in general.

I'll be taking my measurements tonight (I couldn't find my tape measure this morning) and making plans for the next round. I'll update then. 

Definitely looking forward to an indulgent meal with Jen tonight, though.

It's Just That I'm Terrified (Whole45, Day 45)

It's the final day, and I'm fighting the deep-rooted pessimism as best I can.

I don't feel any lighter, I don't feel smaller, I have a blemish on my chin that is both painful and ugly-looking, I really need to wash my hair and in general I just look like I fell out of the ugly tree (and hit every branch on the way down) rather than chipper and confident.

I know I shouldn't be so focused on the weight and size loss, but more on my general health. I know this. But I am.

Some things I am feeling:

• A little bit of soreness in my legs and butt from all the walking/ jogging
• plus a lot of soreness in my feet; I only have a few pairs of decent socks and when I wear the "other" ones my poor feet get destroyed
• Same anxiety / moodiness from issues experienced over the last couple of weeks (not really related to the food or fitness plan, but I'm sure it has the potential to derail results since ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING CAN DERAIL RESULTS.
• Relieved that at least my nails are looking better. (But if I'm honest, this is a fuckload of effort to improve my fingernails, and not lose the massive amount of weight I need to shed.)
• Glad that I have so many projects to focus on, in case tomorrow I'm mired in depression and apathy. Between Comedy of Errors, the Bernstein concert, The Tempest and (soon) Spelling Bee, at the very least I will have some fun distractions from all this noise.
• Happy I have tonight and tomorrow night off from rehearsal. Tonight I'll be getting some errands and chores done, and tomorrow's Wine Wednesday with Jen. I'm looking forward to having some treats, ...but to be honest if I thought this damn plan was working I'd give them up forever, if it meant I could see significant results.

I feel like at this point I'd do or give up almost anything. I'm sure I'm not the first person to feel this way. I'm just tired (exhausted) of hating the way I look. It's not healthy. It's completely backwards (you have to be nice to yourself in order to be healthy...that's like...health 101). And I hate feeling like no matter what choices I make, I'm still not in control of my appearance (and that, no matter how many sacrifices or "good" choices I make, I still look like someone who wouldn't know a healthy choice if it bit her on the ass and held on).

AAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH ok ok ok ok ok I'm done venting. No more negative Nancy-ing. I promise myself, no matter what my results are tomorrow, I won't write paragraphs of self-pitying malarkey (although I reserve the right to cry quietly in my room with a glass of whiskey and a cat and the tv turned on really loud). If the results are crap, they'll be written clinically and matter of factly. And if they're positive, hey, fantastic, there will probably be some joyous swear words thrown in.

Deep breaths. We can do this. We're ok. *Hugs self* We're ok.

The Only Latter-Day That Matters is Tomorrow (Whole45, Day 44)

All this time I've been tempted to up this Whole45 into a Whole50, or further, in order to avoid stepping on the scale and rending my garments in disappointment and despair.

Fortunately, friendship has won out. My friend Jen and I are having Wine Wednesday on Day 46, so this will officially be a Whole45. No more, no less. Maybe the next one can be a Whole50. We'll see.

I drove for about a hundred million (read: 10) hours this weekend, to South Lake Tahoe and Reno and then back home, for Mother's Day. We all surprised my grandmother and had a short visit with brunch and flowers and presents. It was nice, but the main nice thing was all the time to zone out by myself in the car. I listened to Steve Martin's memoir, Born Standing Up, in its entirety on the way home.

Staying on plan hasn't been hard, just a little boring. There have been several days where I didn't make my steps goal (Saturday was one of them), but I went on long walks just the same in order to fill the exercise minimum for the Whole45 so I didn't feel the need to start over from Day 1. Last night I was in a bit of a mood, so I took a long walk/jog with what I'm sure was the most intense resting bitch-face anyone's ever seen (I tend to look really REALLY pissed off when I'm mildly upset and not paying attention to my facial expression). It helped to sweat a little and see the FitBit do its little dance when I hit 10k steps.

The funk persisted through today so I caved and called Kaiser to see if I can make an appointment with a counselor. Of course, with my shitty insurance I likely am not covered, so it may be more economical to seek out free counseling someplace. Why is it that broke people with hugely stressful lives are the ones not considered entitled to mental health assistance, whereas rich people who can basically purchase a cure for anything they want can sit and whine to a counselor and it's all done and dusted? Grumble, grumble.

Sorry. I suppose someone (me) has a case of the Mondays (blarghflrg.)

In other news, my beautiful friend Allison of CakeDoneRight has posted a new entry for the first time in a long time! Go check out the pics of her fabulous culinary creations.

One more dawn. One more day. Oooooonnneee daaaaaaay moooooooooooooooooore.... . . . . .

...and Wine Wednesday cannot come fast enough.

A Walk in the Park (Whole45, Day 40)

Yesterday I met up with my friend Patti, whom I met doing "A Christmas Carol" a few months ago. Back then we both had super long hair (as is only appropriate for a Dickens-era costume where your hair is inevitably hidden under a wig or hat, I guess) and now mine's just medium-long and hers is cut off at her chin. It suits her really well.

Anyway, we went for a really nice walk around a park in Los Gatos. I'd never been there before, and it was a beautiful day and great to catch up with her. We didn't get all my steps on on the FitBit (I took a long walk last night around my own neighborhood to finish up my steps goal) but it was...it was just lovely and I'm glad I went.

In other exciting news, I'm finally learning to use the "panoramic" feature on my camera.

I keep in touch with a good friend of mine overseas via chat, and yesterday he said that the dress I'd worn to our mutual friend's handfasting was really pretty. I said thank you, and then realized I hadn't sent him any photos of me at the event. Turns out the groom had posted some photos on Facebook and tagged me in them. I signed on (I am terrible at Facebook, I'll just say it) and checked them out.

While I still have a long way to go, size-wise, I was able to see a difference in those photos from ones taken even a few months ago. There's a little bit of a change in the shape of my face and neck, and my belly and butt don't stick out quite as much. 

As I said, there's still a long way to go. But it was a little gratifying to be able to see a difference. Because this has been so gradual (after the initial 30 days, after which, I admit, my hopes and goals were a little unreasonable), I often feel like I'm making no progress at all. It's why I'm actually kind of afraid to end this one after 45 days and I'm considering making it a Whole50.

I guess we'll see on Day 46. ...I'm almost certain I've said that before. Ah well.

Comedy of Errors (Whole45, Day 37)

These last few days have gone by a little too quickly. But that's actually all right - I'm excited to begin rehearsals tonight for The Comedy of Errors. It's my first Shakespeare in the Park experience, and while it's not NYC or Stern Grove it's still a pretty cool feeling. The concept is loosely designed around Cirque du Soleil (I think...I'll know more tonight) and the cast is all female. I really like this idea a lot.

Tonight we have "digital presentations" (which I assume are done by the designers to show us the general concept and themes) and read thru. I like to go into rehearsals off-book...I'm not off-book yet for CoE, but I'm getting more and more comfortable with my lines and, now that we're beginning rehearsals, I'll be much more motivated to repeat and rehearse to get them by rote. Thankfully, my roles aren't gigantic (this is my first production with this particular company) so I don't have as many words to remember. And learning the director's preferred pronunciations on words like "Syracusians" will also help!

Have gone under 10K steps only 2 days since getting the Fitbit (and both of those times I still fulfilled the mini-exercise goal I outlined for myself). Have been walking a lot, jogging sometimes but not really motivated to run. At least not in public. I'm curious to know if the Fitbit measures "steps" if you're on a treadmill or elliptical machine and moving your arms. That would be helpful, because with the first of 4 back to back summer/ fall projects beginning tonight I won't have as much time for evening walks. Which means I'll likely have to get my ass up early and start going back to the gym in the mornings. Which sucks...but I want to lose the weight and be healthy more than I want to hit Snooze 3 times. Which is SAYING something because, as we've discussed, I flippin' LOVE sleep.

Still liking work a lot. This gig suits me. Today's Spotify radio station is based on "Schroeder's Greatest Hits," a classical piano album I've liked since childhood - it tags up a pretty wide variety of classical music - a moment ago was Copland's Rodeo Dances, and right now Beethoven's 7th is playing.

Anyway...back to work. Fingers crossed that the results come back awesome in...geez, fewer than 10 days now... !