Anticlimax. (Whole50, Day 50)

I went back and forth on weighing in this morning, since I'll be waking up (super early) tomorrow morning at a friend's house and her scale isn't the same one I've been using throughout this process. In the end I decided I might as well, to give myself a basic idea.

No change.

Zero pounds.

I mean, I could fudge a pound up or down depending on how I stood on the scale (it's a total POS and I should get rid of it) but there hasn't been any change.

And I mean since the start of this Whole50, not since the end of the last one. Which means I'm still two pounds heavier than the end of the last one.

How I'm feeling right now

Not like I'm going to lose 10 pounds overnight, so I guess that's my result for this Whole50. And that's with the addition of the running (although not as regularly as before, the runs are for longer periods of time) AND decreasing the starchy veggies like potatoes.

I'll ask Melissa tonight if she has a tape measure I can use, so I can at least see if I've lost any inches in the last few months.

Needless to say, I'm feeling a very heavy riptide of disappointment pulling me out to sea. This obviously isn't how I wanted to start my fucking vacation.

I knew it would slow down considerably after the first few months. But I didn't know it would stop altogether. It's not like I'm even at "normal" weight for my height or age now (I'm at the low end of "overweight", and no, it's not because I have muscle weight.)

And so, I'm going to need to seriously reevaluate how I'll construct my eating plans going forward. It may be that I need to modify the plan to be more Atkins-esque (i.e. continue with meat and vegetables but cut out starchy/ sugary vegetables completely; cut out fruit except berries; add some dairy back in). Whole30 wasn't invented to be a weight loss plan, and it's time for me to come to terms with that. It's gotten me a long, long way in my journey, and I'm really thankful to have been able to use it. But it's not going to get me the whole way. 

As stupid as this sounds, I really did think I'd found my ace in the hole. I fooled myself momentarily thinking I could coast. I feel fat and disappointed, and really, really stupid right now.

ARGH

Ok ok ok ok ok - I promised I would be good to myself no matter what, so I am. I'm not a failure, I stuck with the eating plan for 50 days and that's an accomplishment in itself. I'm getting better at running. I'm going to treat myself this weekend and enjoy junk food and booze (not enough to make me sick or be self-destructive in any way, just enough to have some fun.) When I get home, I'll take a few relaxed days to eat and drink with friends. Then I'll formulate a new plan and start again. Phase...wtf phase am I on, I can't remember and I don't feel like checking. 

There may never be an "after" photo, guys. I know that. And that fucking sucks. But right now I am feeling much better than I did two years ago, and I will continue reminding myself of that even on sucky days like this one.

And today's going to get better: I get to see some short films tonight, I get to spend the night at a friend's house, and tomorrow we're on vacation in Ashland for a few days! We get to see awesome plays in a beautiful town that I love, and it doesn't matter what I look like. 

For the next few days, I have to turn that part of me off. It doesn't matter what I look like. It doesn't matter what I look like. 

It can matter again next week. But for the next few days it doesn't fucking matter.

I won't let it.

Three More Days. (Whole50, Day 48)

More than any other wholesomething (even the longer ones!), this one feels like it's seriously dragging. I'm so bored with Whole30-friendly foods. I long for sweets, or a sandwich, or a gigantic glass of wine.

I'm sure some of this is due to stress and things at home. It's actually kind of depressing to think that my mind immediately wants to self-medicate with junk foods. But...I have to say, it's been beneficial to be on the Whole50 this time around. Otherwise I'm sure I'd have gained a lot of weight back, and made myself even more sick and unhappy, because when I'm stressed the first thing I want is alcohol and the second thing I want is ALL THE CAKE.

Hyperbole And a Half: baby Allie Brosh is my spirit animal

Today's pretty slow, for a Monday.

I went to a really fun event this weekend for the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's death. I'm really glad I went. But dressing up for it was a problem; I no longer have any Renaissance bodices that fit properly.

Also, I need to go down another cup size in my bra, I think. My boobs are decreasing at an alarming rate whereas my belly, thighs, and butt seem quite content to stay as big as they can, for as long as they can.

Even though I forgot to take tape-measurements (I think...?) at the beginning of this Whole50, I should take them at the end. I can at least compare them to where I was a year ago. Since I started running I know my legs have decreased in size, which is nice since that was a weird disproportionate part of my shape I really didn't like.

It occurs to me I have no idea how much "lift" procedures cost. Loose skin is becoming more of a problem, on a larger portion of my body, and it's bugging the crap out of me. That's another thing I should research. 

Sigh - I told you it was a slow day. And of course it's going to be slow...I'll be on vacation in 3 days!

A Week From Yesterday (Whole50, Day 45)

In the wee hours of Thursday morning next week, we'll be setting off on our Ashland adventure! And I'll be free to indulge in junk food, whee..

We had an interesting night last night, to celebrate Jen's first anniversary of being free of breast cancer. We went to Hooters (her idea) because I mean...for a celebration involving healthy boobs you want to make sure you're celebrating BOOBS, right? It was super fun hanging out with people, and I had some grilled shrimp and iced tea.

For a moment I completely forgot I wasn't supposed to have sour cream. I scraped the cheese off my salad, loaded a celery stick with guacamole and sour cream, and raised it to my mouth before my brain-alarm went WAIT WAIT NO THAT'S NOT - NO, STOP!!! It was super weird. Usually I'm able to avoid non-Whole30 foods just out of habit. I guess I was on autopilot and almost made a big mistake, which is strange since it's been a month and a half. (And also...like...over a year of these things.) You'd think I'd be used to it by now. It jarred me for a moment. It was like some dreams I'd been having, where I'd eat half a bowl of ice cream before remembering ice cream was verboten.

Anyway.

Here's the poster for the movie we did! It premiers in San Jose on Thursday evening (I'll be in Ashland) and will be online afterwards. It's strange to see a picture of me facing straight forward and eye-level with the camera, since as an overweight person I usually avoid that. And you can see the shape of my face and neck and some things I'd still like to improve, but it's...not horrible.

Plus the important thing is the awesome dress and the fact that IT'S A MOVIE POSTER and we're so famous, you guys.

The shape of my face as seriously changed so much.

Shrewsbury Renaissance Faire, Summer/ Fall 2011

Backstage at Finian's Rainbow, February 2012

I told you there weren't many photos of me head-on. Heh.

Anyway, just a few more days until treats time. Which is good because today they had gourmet cupcakes AND donuts at my office. Seriously.

Happy Friday.

Extreme Closeup (Whole50, Day 40)

Ten more days. Then it's vacation time, theater girls' road trip, and ALL THE JUNK FOOD for a couple of days plus the company of kickass women and some amazing theater in one of my favorite towns (Ashland.) I seriously cannot wait.

Yesterday I participated in my second 48 Hour Film Project, and had the fun of introducing my awesome friend Jen to the Project as well! This was my first year with Team Ovation Pictures, a group of friends who all went to San Jose State together and do theater and indie films and are generally all-around great, fun folks.

The genre we pulled (at the top of the Project all teams pull a choice of 2 genres out of a hat and have 48 hours to make a film in that genre containing three required elements, a prop, a line, and a named character) was Sci Fi. The required elements were a whole apple (prop), "That's just a myth" (line,) and Kirk or Kaia Nordenstrom, a carpenter (character). I'm really excited to see how our film came out (they're editing and submitting it today; we shot until a little after midnight last night and it was so fun!). I won't be able to see the official screening (because it'll be my first night in Ashland), but hopefully it gets nominated for some awards so I can go see it screened on Awards Night. ;-)

Jen getting ready to film her big moment at the DVD shelf

Me filming my big scene at the door (photo credit: Evelyn Huynh)

It was really weird wearing a sleeveless dress for a costume. I know this is a dumb thing to obsess over, but my arms have never been particularly sculpted and now that I've lost some weight they're a little...erm...yeah. But no one said anything mean (of course they didn't.)

Jen took this during my "eyeball" scene, haha

Unless you count Christian (the writer/ director/ team leader) framing an extreme closeup of my eyes and from behind the camera going "gee, I hope you don't get embarrassed when you see your whole face up on the big screen!" Heh. I replied "well now that you SAID THAT..." but without rancor. I wasn't upset. It really was a fun night.

Today I had lunch with Panda and our friend Jen (different from the Jen above). I had chicken and vegetables, which was delicious (even though I really REALLY wanted a panini, lol). They're seeing a play today and I'm (finally) seeing The Big Short with another friend of mine.

It's been a decent weekend so far. Remembering to breathe.

Always trying to remember to breathe.

Tech Woes (Whole50, Day 34)

It seems like technology just hates me today.

My computer at work was running extremely slowly, and programs that I needed kept crashing or slugging.

Then this evening when I went for my 5K to 10K run (25 minutes), at a point close to the end (like maybe 10 minutes left), all the songs on my Spotify started cutting out after 5-10 seconds. Seriously, it'd play a tiny sample of the song and then go silent. It would look on the display like it was still playing, but no sound. I skipped to the next song, another few seconds would play, then silence. Skip, a few seconds of music, then silence.

Ten minutes doesn't sound like much but when you're running (and you've been running for a little while), and your music is being a bitch, it seems like a really long time.

THEN, during the "cooldown" period of the workout, I accidentally hit "pause." This is, like, a catastrophic error on my part because the program goes "Oh you hit pause? You must mean to erase everything you just logged, HERE LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT" and everything on the display zeroed out. I panicked and whispered "fuck" many, many times (thankfully there weren't people walking or running on the road) and sent a few crazed Tweets to the app's parent company.

In the end, it turns out it *did* retain my run data, it just screwed up the "totals" for the whole workout which includes the warm-up, run, and cooldown.

If my shoddy GPS and temperamental app are to be believed, I ran 2.37 miles in 25 minutes, with an average running page of 10mins 38secs per mile. Since the goal for tonight was to run faster than 11 minutes per mile, I was pleased with this (and especially happy since it saved my data).

So! Week 8 of 5K to 10K training has officially begun. I'll be pleased in 2 weeks when the program is complete and I'm even more excited for this Whole50 to be finished so's I can have some snacky treats.

Knowing My Limits (Whole50, Day 30)

If this was a Whole30 I'd be done today. Heh.

I'm not running this week. This was a choice I made, and I'm not entirely happy with it but I'm sticking with my decision. not only because Week 8 of thr 5K to 10K app is especially challenging, but because I'm in tech for The Diary of Anne Frank and my brain and body are...tired. And I'm not going to beat myself up about it, even though I know it's going to slow my weight loss down even more and I really don't like that.

Yesterday I took a mental health day from work. I don't do that very often (I love days off, but am constantly paranoid about being fired or laid off). I took some time to rest up, and then cleaned out my closet and dresser and purged four huge garbage bags full of clothes and shoes. A lot of stuff that was too big, and a lot more stuff I haven't worn in ages, if ever.

That felt good.

Food is still fine. Haven't had potatoes in a few days and I'm hoping that helps a little with getting some more weight off.

One of my new skirts is a black pencil skirt I'm wearing in Anne Frank. It's a real ass-hugger. I mentioned to my friend Esther (who plays Edith and is doing an amazing job) that I wasn't expecting my skirt to be so Sir Mix-A-Lot and she said it didn't look bad.

It's funny - a year ago all the comments about how my character (Margot) is too thin, doesn't eat enough, etc. would have been horribly nonsensical, even offensive. Now that I'm more average-sized it doesn't seem as weird, despite the fact that I'm still an average American woman and not a petite half-starved Dutch girl. I did a play called Weekend Comedy a few years ago, and there was a line about how my character was "probably a model" since she was "built like a brick shithouse" (said by another character, not mine.) They discreetly cut that line from our production. I wasn't offended, but it stung to know they had to make that change because of my appearance. Heh. At least we could pretend it was because of the word "shit."

Anyway, back to work. Final rehearsal for The Diary of Anne Frank is tonight, and then we perform and have audience talkbacks on Saturday and Sunday. Join us if you can - I think the production's going to be something truly special.

Milestones (Whole50, Day 25)

Today marks the halfway point of this Whole50. I ate a gigantic breakfast of eggs, avocado, sweet potatoes and chicken sausage. Then, I ran a bunch of errands which included heading to the discount store by my house to grab a couple of skirts for work, since the ones I have no longer fit.

While there, I also found two dresses on clearance that I very much liked, so I bought them.

I love the color on this one

I thought this one was very summery and cute

The one on top (long, darker blue) is Calvin Klein. I don't think I've ever owned any clothing by a "designer" designer. It must be several seasons behind, seeing as how it's on deep discount at Ross Dress for Less, but it's still kind of cool. And even if it wasn't a name-brand dress, it's still very pretty and comfortable and I liked it right away. 

The one on bottom (shorter, teal and white stripes) is actually the first one that caught my eye. It has pockets, too! And the fabric is a good weight and I like the shape of it. 

It's a size 12. And it zipped up just fine, no issue, with even a little extra wiggle room around my torso. 

I don't remember if the largest dress I bought was a 26 or a 28 (it may have been one of those in-between "26/28" ones), but it was somewhere in that range. It feels like a big accomplishment to go from that to a 12. 

At my smallest in college, I was a size 10 in jeans and skirts (and, I assume, dresses, although I don't remember.) I feel like that's a good goal size, although looking at my relative "extra" pudge and skin now, I imagine I'll want to keep working until I'm an 8/10 or possibly something else. I feel like the goal continues to evolve throughout this process. 

In addition to the size-12 dress, I reached another milestone today: I finished week 7 of my 5K to 10K training, and ran for a complete 55 minutes today. The app on my phone says I ran 4.67 miles, at an average running page of 11:46 per mile. 

The basic goal I have for running is between 11 and 12 minutes per mile, so that was right on the money. And I'm going mainly by time spent running rather than speed or distance. So, I'm very pleased with myself. Next week will be building up to a full 60-minute run, and I will have accomplished running for a full hour, something I've never done in my life. It might not sound like anything at all to experienced runners, but for me, it's tantamount to climbing Everest.

The 9th and final week of training is a "recovery week," which means shorter runs, which is a little strange. But, I'll still complete it, log the 5K to 10K as complete, and begin the even greater challenge: 10K to Half Marathon. Gotta get trained up for September (gulp.)

For now, I'm going to drink about a gallon of cold water (it was WARM in the park for that 55-minute run) and choose which new dress I'm going to wear for the house managing gig tonight.

Happy Saturday, and happy April.