Who's Afraid? (Whole45, Day 33)

Last night my friend Jen and I went to see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" in Los Altos. The actress who played Cecily to my Gwendolen was playing Honey, and I'd heard good things. We weren't disappointed - I thought the production was really well put together and the performers did a great job balancing the lifesaving humor with the crippling depression the piece brings on. The actor playing George is a bit of a local legend (I've seen him around but never met him) and he was really awesome. And Honey was wonderful and funny...that's a really tough character to root for sometimes, but she pulled it off. She's magnetic.

Anyway, since we went on a Wednesday night it was unofficial Actor Night in the house (as is often the case on Wednesdays and Thursdays, when people have the night off). Jen and I saw a ton of people we knew, and we felt very famous. We also took a nice walk around the area and chatted for a while before the play began.

Last night was the first night since getting the FitBit that I didn't get my 10,000 steps in. I'm glad I went out, and I'm glad we did a *little* walking, but I'm eager to get back on track and tonight I'll be taking another nice long walk/ jog while Panda is at rehearsal.

Only 12 more days. And while I'm proud of myself for eating more healthfully and walking, I honestly don't feel any lighter or smaller. I am afraid when I weigh myself on Day 46 I won't have lost any weight or inches at all. Terrified, in fact. Which is another reason I'm eager to walk more, and will be taking a walk during my lunch break today as well. That way I know that if I am still just as fat on Day 46 as I was on Day 1, I will at least have done everything I could to make it different.

Maybe the difference is in my overall (invisible, intangible) health? Maybe like...my blood pressure is more healthy and my cholesterol is down? Both of those have always been pretty normal, and my lipid profile/ triglycerides have been good for years (low carb diets and all). But I need to feel like eating this way, this so-obviously-more-healthy way, has at least improved me SOMEcrazyhow. You know?

And as much as I'm craving treats I'm considering bumping this thing to a Whole50. Just so I can shine on the weigh-in for 5 more days. That's how scared I am.

Yeesh.

To Boldly Go (Whole45, Day 30)

Tomorrow I'll be further into a Whole30 than I've ever been before. I only wish I were as adorable as Samwise Gamgee (or Sean Astin, a fine representation).

I also wish Elijah Wood was my walking buddy. That would kick ass.

Only 15 more days until the end of Whole45, weighing and measuring and a few days of treats. I'm not sure what comes after that. I'm considering adopting the Whole30/ Whole45 way of eating for another term but I'm not sure for how long. If the Whole45 results are not all that encouraging (say, 5 lbs or fewer) I'll likely pick back up on an Atkins eating plan, modified to be more about unprocessed whole foods. ...so I guess, it'd be like Whole30 except with dairy, and with fewer starchy vegetables and more low-glycemic fruits. Similar but not exactly the same. And I like the system of no treats for 30 (or 45) days, then a few days of treats and then back on track. It's way easier to account for, than "once in a while" treats where I have no idea when the last one was. And with my love of sugar and alcohol it's best if I avoid it for the majority of the time. ;-)

I don't know if there is one right answer, even for me. But man I wish I could figure it out. Not for everyone, I don't have to write a fitness book and make a zillion dollars selling my story or whatever...but just for myself. I'd love to be healthy and look normal and pleasant.

I've only had the FitBit 2 (and a half) days but so far I'm 100% on my daily steps goal. So that's something!

FitBit (Whole45, Day 29)

A friend of mine (who is in great shape, dances, hikes, and can't walk six feet without some creepy-ass guy talking about her thighs) gave me her old FitBit the other night. She got one of the nice new ones that measures heart rate and has all the new bells and whistles. I set it up, and yesterday was the first day I wore it. It's a cool little motivator to walk more (case in point: I exceeded my goal of 10,000 steps and even got Panda to walk with me in the evening).

I've noticed my nails are a little longer and stronger...day by day. Again this is likely due to my taking better care of them, but I'm sure eating a bunch of eggs and avocado every day isn't hurting. You can see them in this dazzling glamour shot I took of my new FitBit:

All the rage in Milan and Paris.

Skin is...well, it's still my nasty skin unfortunately. But I have been using new medicine from the doctor (topical antibiotic and Retin-A as well as OTC benzoyl peroxide and the salicylic acne face wash). Hopefully I'll eventually tweak a facial treatment system that yields nice clear skin. In the meantime, I know exercise and copious water-drinking help by degrees, so I'll keep that up. And maybe if and when my body is so astoundingly fit and sexy that people throw giant wads of money at me (I assume beautiful people are given Money Parades in their honor, on the regular? Yes? Good) then I'll use some of that copious dinero to buy myself some ...wait, do they have cosmetic surgery to cure acne yet?

Anyway, today we'll be heading to Alameda and visiting a pinball museum. Weird, I know, but hopefully there'll be opportunity for some walking around downtown, and if not I'll just continue my nightly ritual of walking around my neighborhood. The little lights on the FitBit are encouraging. ...but I should figure out how to make it "dance" and vibrate when I hit 10K steps, that sounds fun and rewarding.

Happy Sunday.

YECH (Whole45, Day 24 again)

Ok, second update. Prepare yourself.

I broke down and bought almond butter at Safeway. I sat down in front of the tv tonight after dinner to have a spoonful, and upon opening the cap I saw that the paper "seal" on top had been torn asunder and someone had *licked* a huge swathe of it out.

I yelped and slammed the jar onto the coffee table like it was on fire (because I am a sensible and mature human being) and then I called Safeway. I felt like a complete moron explaining to the lady what happened, but she just laughed and told me to come on by and exchange it for a new one. Fifteen minutes and a *very* careful inspection later, I was home with a fresh jar, and a bad case of the shudders.

Melissa from Safeway Customer Service, thank you for not making me waste too much money on my last jar of almond butter until the drought is over (seriously...I shouldn't have even bought this one.)

And to the undoubtedly homeless jackass riddled with disease who opened and licked a jar of almond butter (of all the products to lick...that's what you chose?) and then closed it and put it back on the shelf for someone to buy, I salute your ingenuity. And I very much hope you trip and fall facefirst into a puddle of dogshit, in front of someone you'd like to impress.

*Shudder* Seriously, people...

Halfway There... (Whole45, Day 24)

As of yesterday, I'm half done with this Whole45. Proud of myself for sticking to it for so long, but also very much looking forward to a boozy Irish coffee and my Easter/ anniversary candy once I'm all done.

Panda and I celebrated our fifth anniversary by doing an overnight trip to Monterey this past weekend. It was really nice. We relaxed a lot, we stood on the beach chatting and watched the waves, he grilled us some steaks, we watched some baseball and read books. Oh and we did our laundry...haha we brought it with us so we didn't have to pay at the laundromat. Thrifty, and practical.

I got some new meds for my face, including a topical antibiotic and more Retin-A. Fingers crossed it'll work.

Everything else is going ok - nice, boring, not too crazy. Working slowly on memorizing things for upcoming projects before rehearsals begin next month.

Oh and I finally watched The Babadook. Loved it. Super impressed. If you haven't seen it yet, stop reading and watch it right now.

That's it, just a quick entry to let y'all know I'm halfway there and still kickin'. <3

Girl vs Food (Whole45, Day 17)

I've been watching Man vs Food on Netflix lately. I miss that show. And I have a bit of a celebricrush on Adam Richman. What can I say, dreamy-eyed boys who like to travel and eat kind of do it for me.

It's also making me think about foods I'd like to indulge in once Whole45 is over.

I've been doing a little better. Walking more and more and sweating out at the park (still haven't worked up to a full C25K jogging session, but slowly building up my endurance.) I want so, so badly for this to work.

Skin is looking a little better, by degrees. As are my nails, which I've been helping along by keeping them polished (gotta work on that tonight).

I really want a whiskey and soda, and an ice cream sundae. In that order. But more than either of those I want to lose all this extra weight and feel more alive and awake. (Then I can really *enjoy* the occasional cocktail and dessert, amirite?) :)

OH AND...

Of all the things. We met Tommy Wiseau in San Francisco on Saturday night, which was crazy and fun but we didn't get home until around 4AM and I was a mess the next day, when I had to go house-manage a matinee. At the matinee one of our patrons had a freaking stroke in the middle of the performance, and I had to call 911 and try to convince his elderly friends not to undermine the Emergency Technicians' advice (because of course they know best...ugh). Stress on a stick. The gentleman seemed to be fine and they took him to Kaiser just to check him out. Then we finished up the show.

Of all the fucking days to not be able to have a drink, or some comfort food! Yeesh. Only two more HM gigs at that house though, so it'll be good to wrap up that chain. It's not a good trade off of stress, responsibility and unpleasantness vs. the pay. I like them fine, but I'm not in a mental place right now where I can handle that kind of work/ life imbalance haha.

Got the treatment email for the film I'm working on in the fall...turns out one of the nicer patrons I assisted this past week is playing my father in it. HAH. Small world, isn't it? Got that, the tentative shooting schedule, as well as the schedule for Spelling Bee in the late summer. I should finally be able to get all my calendars in order this week, which will be a load off. Unfortunately that's what my excuse was for slacking off on memorizing 4 projects...so...well, crap. Gotta get to work.

It feels very nice to have work, though. I'm super excited for the upcoming things. And hopefully by the time they put a camera on me I'll be looking a little more camera-ready. ;-)

Happy Tuesday.

Out of It (Whole45, Day 12)

Something good I've noticed: my nails seem a little bit stronger and are growing a little longer. Granted, I've been taking better care of them in general, but hopefully the food is also helping, because they're not the brittle peeling mess they usually are. My skin's improving by degrees, partially (I think) because I broke down and bought one of those kits at the drugstore with a high dosage of salicylic acid and benzoyl peroxide (pretty much like my teenage years using Clearasil.) I need to get to the doctor to refill my Retin-A prescription for nighttime. Even though it doesn't exactly ward off my nasty skin, it's been great about preventing wrinkles and I wouldn't want to lose the one benefit I've reaped from it. Heh.

Haven't noticed any change in my size, although I'm glad to have added exercise in with the Whole45. Last night I attempted the C25K walk/ run intervals using my iPhone app, and got through the first few intervals fine but after about the halfway mark I couldn't complete it and ended up walking the rest of the route, and home. I had a stitch in my side and my endurance is completely gone. I need to work that back up. Will try again either late tonight or tomorrow morning (tonight I'm house managing so I likely won't have time for anything other than the usual walk.)

The funk has persisted, although it's a little less horrible now. Now it's just a general feeling of detachment that I notice every so often. I daydream a lot (it's kind of the nature of being a tech drone, sitting and staring at my computer screen with my headphones on, and I was always the sort of person to zone out.) This weekend a group of us are going to see The Room in the city, and Tommy Wiseau's going to be there. Part of me's excited (I've been to screenings but never with the filmmaker/ star/ generally-agreed-to-be-completely-insane mascot in attendance) and part of me is stressed out about it. I love my friends but I tend to get this kinetic anxious feeling whenever something like this comes up - it requires we all be on time for things, it requires a trip into a part of SF with which I'm not familiar, Tommy Wiseau could be completely insulted by all the hilarious callbacks people are shouting at his film, all sorts of useless pointless worries. So I've decided to make Saturday night about hanging out with friends. If we're late, if we don't meet Tommy or if we can't find parking and end up skipping the event altogether, it'll still be fun because we'll be hanging out and gossiping and dressed up.

I actually have a red dress. It'll likely fit much better now since I've started to lose weight (I think the last time I wore it was for Jenn and Darryl's wedding, which was a couple of years ago), but I'm tempted to dress like Michelle, who wears a dark top and a skirt and boots in most of her scenes, and see if anyone notices.

Since watching Fanboys I've developed a bit of an unhealthy obsession with Dan Fogler. I can't tell if this is because of his comedic genius, his mastery of stage and screen, the fact that he looks like a big handsome cuddly Imaginary Celebrity Boyfriend or the fact that my brain's basically been cream of wheat for the past few weeks.

I so want it to rain. Not just because we're in a horrible drought. I like the rain. Direct sunlight and I have never been particularly close, but I just love the sound and smell of rain and it can sometimes cheer me up and help me focus. Like a weird sort of seasonal affective disorder.

Petrichor is a beautiful word.

Anyway I guess I've rambled enough for this lunch hour. I'm over 25% finished with Whole45. It really isn't that hard to stick to the food (although it does get kind of boring if you're not motivated to be creative, and I have not been, for a little while) and I believe the exercise is helping overall. Whether or not it contributes to greater results with the weight loss, we'll see. Happy Thursday. Over and out.

LOST Day (Whole45, Day 11)

It's 4/8/15. This afternoon I want to take a screenshot of my phone at 4/8/15, 16:23. Unfortunately I'm unable to time it for 42 seconds.

I miss when that show was good.

My friend offered me her old FitBit (she ordered a new one) so I'll have a better idea of my activity and steps. That'll be helpful.

I don't feel very different despite exercising more and sticking to clean eating. I was really hoping for more dramatic changes. But we'll see.

New Music (Whole45, Day 6)

I can feel myself slowly coming out of the nasty melancholy funk I've been in for the past few weeks. I'm still inclined to huddle up in my shell and brood about how stupid the world is (everyone except me, of course), which is my usual behavior when I'm in a mood like that, but the sun's beginning to peek in and I'm having a little bit of an easier time dealing with things, which continue to be up and down (because that's normal and it's life).

Panda has joined me on my walks. We go at night, which is nice for me since I don't have to reapply sunblock (I have to wear it every day regardless but the idea of reapplying after a day at work and THEN going back out is just gross and tedious). He ended up checking the distance and our turnaround point is a little less than a mile from our house, so we estimate we go about 1.5-2 miles each night, just walking. It's not much, but it's certainly better than nothing. Hopefully we can work our way up, but for now I'm just happy to not be as sedentary, 24/7.

So, good news: I haven't had to start over on Day 1 (yet). Putting that rule in place turned out to be a great motivator to get off my ass. Heh.

I've also been good about food. Lots of cooking at night, lots of leftovers. Panda pointed out that my slow-cooker Kahlua pig, which I make a lot (it's the NNP recipe and super easy to make) is basically carnitas. Then today while I was heating up my leftovers for lunch, a Latino engineer came hurrying into the kitchen and said "AW HELL NAW you got the carnitas! I knew I smelled something familiar!" It was really funny, and nice to talk to someone friendly. I got a kick out of the idea that he smelled the food and followed his nose like a cartoon.

Today's lunch: Kahlua pig (Hawaiian carnitas), steamed vegetables, grapes

Work has been pretty good. There's just one person (not in my dept) whom I occasionally have to contact and she's a real piece of work. Yesterday it was actually cool, though, she was bitching me out via email (for a mistake she'd made) and I replied, perfectly cordial but in that professional-bitch tone, and copied in my supervisor and manager so they could see the chain of messages (wherein I did exactly as she asked and then she realized she'd asked for the wrong thing and bitched me out for being wrong). After that she was a complete peach to me. And my supervisor came up to me and said in her thick pretty accent that I was her "newfound friend" because apparently no one else has stood up to this bitch before.

It felt really, really good. But I am glad I didn't set my inner monologue completely free or I'd have called her the name she deserved and gotten myself fired. For all that I have stressful days, I like my job and I'd prefer to keep it.

Discovered George Ezra from his performance on SNL, and have been listening to him on Spotify. I really, really like his music. Check him out.

Not much else to tell. Going to see "The Mystery of Edwin Drood" preview tonight in Sunnyvale, some friends are in it and if Facebook is to be believed, they're all having a whale of a time. So, I'm excited. I took this weekend off from house-managing, too, so I'll be hanging out with friends, hiking, watching some movies and stuff. 

Today's my dad's birthday. I miss him.

...only 39 days until I can drink again, haha.