So yesterday being Tuesday, I posted the following photo-thingy on Instagram and cross-posted it to Facebook and Twitter:
In general it's gotten lots of positive attention, which made me smile, and some people even said they were trying Whole30-style eating because they'd seen me have success with it. So, that felt good.
Then I got a private Facebook message.
There's a woman with whom I have a ton of mutual (theatre) friends, who is very active on social media and I have read and enjoyed her musings before. She struck me as a very body-positive, girl-power, geeky feminist so that made me happy. A while back we had an encounter where I posted a before-and-after photo and she immediately posted on her wall an open letter to "someone" where they could get off, for apparently posting an after photo that asserted that fat women were gross and worthless. Did I mention this woman is a plus-size beautiful woman? IT SHOULDN'T MATTER, but she is.
I responded at the time by posting this on my wall:
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| TL;DR I don't hate fat people, myself included, and you're stupid for jumping to that conclusion. |
So yesterday I get a series of Facebook messages, jumping off with the fact that she saw my before-and-after photos pop up right under a post from "an awesome black feminist" decrying the damaging effects of weight-loss culture. And she went on from there.
FIRST. OF. ALL. That order of posts in your newsfeed is a combination of coincidence, dumb luck, and Facebook's advertising algorithms. I did not attempt to sabotage the feminist post I knew nothing about.
SECOND, if you read the next under the fucking photo collage (or next to it, in the case of Facebook) you will see NOTHING negative. I talk about strength, fitness, etc. but I don't use words like "fat" or "thin" because that's all relative anyway (I've lost weight, sure, but I'M STILL FAT NOW, YOU FUCKING MORON, and I still struggle with both cosmetic and health-related issues having to do with my weight.)
THIRD: you are not interested in changing my mind, you are not interested in educating me, you are not interested in making Facebook a safer place EVEN FOR YOURSELF (or you would have clicked away from my post and not said a fucking word.) You wanted to knock me off my happy perch. You saw a positive post full of smiley faces that was getting attention from people you knew, and you wanted to wipe the smile off my face.
And you know what? I've been there. I've wanted to do that, myself. And I didn't. You know why?
Because I am a goddamn motherfucking card-carrying adult, and I treat people with respect.
I have PLENTY of friends who post too much of their lives on Facebook. Sometimes I even find myself rolling my eyes when a girlfriend goes on and on (and on) about her boyfriend or her job or the new house she just bought. I get envious just like anyone else. Have I gossiped or bitched about it to my trusted friends? Of course I have, I'm human. But if a friend of mine gets engaged or pregnant or whatthefuckever and shares it on social media, I'm not going to leave her some reply (public or private) going "You know...you should really consider who you're hurting when you post things like this. There are many single people who despair of ever getting married, and you're just furthering the cultural stereotype that women need men to be complete, that they were bred to be mothers and homemakers, you're crippling femme culture, et cetera" because why on earth would someone do that, except to spread their own insecurity and bad mood around?
In our (very limited) conversation she called to attention (several times) that she is raising two little girls. She cites this often as the reason she so hates "weight-loss culture" which is...I guess...I assume she means fat-shaming and general bias towards skinny people? Which is not the same thing as people losing weight for health reasons? She is raising children.
Somehow if one of them was like "mom I want to wear these amazing shoes today because they're pretty and make me happy"... I don't picture her lecturing this child on how it contributes to the sexualization of minors, the stereotype that women are decorative, or anything like that.
Because she loves her kids and wouldn't want to kill their joy. That is the only reason she reached out to me: to stop the happy feeling I was having, and to let me know that my posting on my Facebook wall about my own accomplishment, made her feel bad inside.
Despite having nothing. WHATSOEVER. To do with her.
And you know what--I'm done. I don't have to impress people like that. That's not what fucking feminism is: feminism is supporting ALL women: fat, thin, girls who have lost weight, girls who have gained weight, girls who have lost LIMBS. Girls who love makeup, girls who never wear it. Women of all colors, all creeds, all backgrounds, and all ages. Butch girls, ultra femme girls, casual girls, glam girls, trans girls, androgynous humans who sometimes want to dress like girls, even boys who use "she" and "her", WOMEN ARE AWESOME and I'm glad to be one. Other women being women doesn't make me any less of a woman. Just like me losing weight doesn't have anything to do with this lady's weight, or whether or not she's happy with it.
I'm just gonna say it: that lady? Not a real feminist. You don't learn a few buzzwords and earn the privilege to lose your objectivity or critical thinking skills. FUCK that.
And of course...I said none of this to her. I tried a few uber-friendly smiley-face replies, (re) assuring her that I lost this weight because I want to and I don't believe anyone should make any changes to themselves unless they truly want to, etc. She kept on keeping on. Prodding and prodding. I eventually just stopped replying.
It's been bothering me for a full day and I needed to vent it out. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. And if my losing weight bothers you or makes you feel bad, then I gotta ask: what the fuck are you doing here reading about it?!
SECOND, if you read the next under the fucking photo collage (or next to it, in the case of Facebook) you will see NOTHING negative. I talk about strength, fitness, etc. but I don't use words like "fat" or "thin" because that's all relative anyway (I've lost weight, sure, but I'M STILL FAT NOW, YOU FUCKING MORON, and I still struggle with both cosmetic and health-related issues having to do with my weight.)
THIRD: you are not interested in changing my mind, you are not interested in educating me, you are not interested in making Facebook a safer place EVEN FOR YOURSELF (or you would have clicked away from my post and not said a fucking word.) You wanted to knock me off my happy perch. You saw a positive post full of smiley faces that was getting attention from people you knew, and you wanted to wipe the smile off my face.
And you know what? I've been there. I've wanted to do that, myself. And I didn't. You know why?
Because I am a goddamn motherfucking card-carrying adult, and I treat people with respect.
I have PLENTY of friends who post too much of their lives on Facebook. Sometimes I even find myself rolling my eyes when a girlfriend goes on and on (and on) about her boyfriend or her job or the new house she just bought. I get envious just like anyone else. Have I gossiped or bitched about it to my trusted friends? Of course I have, I'm human. But if a friend of mine gets engaged or pregnant or whatthefuckever and shares it on social media, I'm not going to leave her some reply (public or private) going "You know...you should really consider who you're hurting when you post things like this. There are many single people who despair of ever getting married, and you're just furthering the cultural stereotype that women need men to be complete, that they were bred to be mothers and homemakers, you're crippling femme culture, et cetera" because why on earth would someone do that, except to spread their own insecurity and bad mood around?
In our (very limited) conversation she called to attention (several times) that she is raising two little girls. She cites this often as the reason she so hates "weight-loss culture" which is...I guess...I assume she means fat-shaming and general bias towards skinny people? Which is not the same thing as people losing weight for health reasons? She is raising children.
Somehow if one of them was like "mom I want to wear these amazing shoes today because they're pretty and make me happy"... I don't picture her lecturing this child on how it contributes to the sexualization of minors, the stereotype that women are decorative, or anything like that.
Because she loves her kids and wouldn't want to kill their joy. That is the only reason she reached out to me: to stop the happy feeling I was having, and to let me know that my posting on my Facebook wall about my own accomplishment, made her feel bad inside.
Despite having nothing. WHATSOEVER. To do with her.
And you know what--I'm done. I don't have to impress people like that. That's not what fucking feminism is: feminism is supporting ALL women: fat, thin, girls who have lost weight, girls who have gained weight, girls who have lost LIMBS. Girls who love makeup, girls who never wear it. Women of all colors, all creeds, all backgrounds, and all ages. Butch girls, ultra femme girls, casual girls, glam girls, trans girls, androgynous humans who sometimes want to dress like girls, even boys who use "she" and "her", WOMEN ARE AWESOME and I'm glad to be one. Other women being women doesn't make me any less of a woman. Just like me losing weight doesn't have anything to do with this lady's weight, or whether or not she's happy with it.
I'm just gonna say it: that lady? Not a real feminist. You don't learn a few buzzwords and earn the privilege to lose your objectivity or critical thinking skills. FUCK that.
And of course...I said none of this to her. I tried a few uber-friendly smiley-face replies, (re) assuring her that I lost this weight because I want to and I don't believe anyone should make any changes to themselves unless they truly want to, etc. She kept on keeping on. Prodding and prodding. I eventually just stopped replying.
It's been bothering me for a full day and I needed to vent it out. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. And if my losing weight bothers you or makes you feel bad, then I gotta ask: what the fuck are you doing here reading about it?!
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