I didn't finish properly so the readings are probably inaccurate. Last night's opening was really good. I love that play, and the people involved, so much. The rest of my night was horrible and so, after midnight, I weighed myself (likely racking up a higher number than I'd have seen if I'd waited until morning/ run) and ate the tiny cake that I'd been saving from the restaurant trip with my mom.
I was 3.6 lbs heavier than when I finished the Whole65, which all (ALL) things considered isn't so bad. I'm not even jonesing to go all-out on treats during this break, although I plan on treating myself to a glass of wine with friends after tonight's show.
Vacation next week will be nice I think. I'll take pictures.
I have an audition this morning that I don't care very much about - all I want to do is get back to the park and be Portia, and the citizen, and Dardanius (...just someone else) for a little while.
I love this play. It's been such a saving grace for me.
I don't know what I'm going to do when it closes.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Mood Swings (Whole10, Day 9)
I'm thrilled for Julius Caesar to open. I love this show so much. And yet I have this strange delicate feeling about it, like I'm a high schooler again and this play is a boy that could break my poor stupid heart.
I'm also really excited for our Mexico trip (we fly out Monday morning), despite trepidation about never having been before.
My moods have been all over the place lately. Very likely it's a combination of fatigue, nerves, excitement, nerves, caffeine, and nerves. And also bug bites, ergh.
So far two people today have made comments about my weight loss (both of them, independent of each other, used the term "wasting away.") I know they meant them to be compliments and to be nice, and I appreciate that, although I use the term "wasting away" as a joke and it's weird to hear it as some kind of accomplishment. Also neither of these people knew me at my largest (they met me fairly recently.) In fact, one of them said "I mean you were already skinny before" and I laughed involuntarily and he looked vaguely confused.
I think it's the shirt. It's a flattering shirt.
Anyway - my brain's a pancake today - more awkward and stupid than usual. And everything's setting me off - either making me mad or making me cry.
The crying's helpful, since I have to cry onstage.
That ability's gotten me a lot of work.
...preview night tonight. Excuse me while I go faint.
I'm also really excited for our Mexico trip (we fly out Monday morning), despite trepidation about never having been before.
My moods have been all over the place lately. Very likely it's a combination of fatigue, nerves, excitement, nerves, caffeine, and nerves. And also bug bites, ergh.
So far two people today have made comments about my weight loss (both of them, independent of each other, used the term "wasting away.") I know they meant them to be compliments and to be nice, and I appreciate that, although I use the term "wasting away" as a joke and it's weird to hear it as some kind of accomplishment. Also neither of these people knew me at my largest (they met me fairly recently.) In fact, one of them said "I mean you were already skinny before" and I laughed involuntarily and he looked vaguely confused.
I think it's the shirt. It's a flattering shirt.
Anyway - my brain's a pancake today - more awkward and stupid than usual. And everything's setting me off - either making me mad or making me cry.
The crying's helpful, since I have to cry onstage.
That ability's gotten me a lot of work.
...preview night tonight. Excuse me while I go faint.
Monday, July 25, 2016
"Were" (Whole10, Day 6)
I do feel a little better physically after a few days back on plan. Still puffy and heavy, but putting the weight back on has always been stupidly easy, while coaxing it off has always been the lovechild of calculus and climbing Kilimanjaro.
Tech for Julius Caesar begins tonight, and I'm beyond excited to get this show on its feet and start showing it off when we open Friday. And then, a week from today, I'll be flying to Mexico for vacation...whew...lots and lots going on.
On Saturday morning, I had coffee with a good friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while, and it was great to catch up and gossip and talk theatre and life. He made a comment that surprised me, that each time he saw me he was struck by the weight loss progress I'd made. "But you see me all the time," I said.
"No, I don't. I go from seeing you every day (when we're working on a show together) to not seeing you for six to eight weeks. And in six to eight weeks you...shift." Interesting. The progress has seemed slower than hell to me - I guess because I actually *do* see myself every day.
Later in the conversation we were talking about the Shakespeare company I'm working with, and I mentioned that I was glad I'd met so-and-so and worked on another show with a different company, because they were able to recommend me and I was finally able to be cast in Shakespeare in the Park (last season, with Comedy of Errors). He looked slightly exasperated and said, "Dana, it's not all about networking." I agreed that it wasn't a hundred per cent, but that it was a huge part of it, and he raised his voice and said,
"No--Dana, you were a fat chick! And casting directors have trouble placing women outside of these little boxes. You don't look like someone's mother anymore."
This surprised me...and it also surprised me that it didn't make me mad. He was right. It actually reminded me of the conversation I'd had with my dad, after being cast as Lady Capulet (and not Juliet) at the age of 15. I mentioned it in my first entry on this blog. I found I appreciated that he was upfront about it and didn't try to sugar coat it. He has always been like that - genuine. And I respect and love him for it. And of course I knew directors (including him) had hangups about my weight - I've always known that. I've written about it. For some reason I always felt like I shouldn't talk about it...like they'd deny it was an issue when we all knew it was. Maybe they were (are?) ashamed.
It wasn't until later that day, when I was driving up to the park, that I realized the importance of the verb tense he'd used.
You were a fat chick.
He didn't say You are.
That's significant. I'm still fat (although most surveys or online calculator things would place me in the "overweight" category, rather than "obese" or "morbidly obese" where I used to be) but comparatively I'm much more average-looking than I used to be. And maybe at this point my weight isn't the first thing that people notice about me.
That feels strange.
Was it really that big a part of my personality? My identity? Urgh this is too much philosophy for a Monday morning.
Suffice to say: I was glad to see my friend and we had a good talk. I need to be better about making coffee dates with loved ones.
Tech for Julius Caesar begins tonight, and I'm beyond excited to get this show on its feet and start showing it off when we open Friday. And then, a week from today, I'll be flying to Mexico for vacation...whew...lots and lots going on.
On Saturday morning, I had coffee with a good friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while, and it was great to catch up and gossip and talk theatre and life. He made a comment that surprised me, that each time he saw me he was struck by the weight loss progress I'd made. "But you see me all the time," I said.
"No, I don't. I go from seeing you every day (when we're working on a show together) to not seeing you for six to eight weeks. And in six to eight weeks you...shift." Interesting. The progress has seemed slower than hell to me - I guess because I actually *do* see myself every day.
Later in the conversation we were talking about the Shakespeare company I'm working with, and I mentioned that I was glad I'd met so-and-so and worked on another show with a different company, because they were able to recommend me and I was finally able to be cast in Shakespeare in the Park (last season, with Comedy of Errors). He looked slightly exasperated and said, "Dana, it's not all about networking." I agreed that it wasn't a hundred per cent, but that it was a huge part of it, and he raised his voice and said,
"No--Dana, you were a fat chick! And casting directors have trouble placing women outside of these little boxes. You don't look like someone's mother anymore."
This surprised me...and it also surprised me that it didn't make me mad. He was right. It actually reminded me of the conversation I'd had with my dad, after being cast as Lady Capulet (and not Juliet) at the age of 15. I mentioned it in my first entry on this blog. I found I appreciated that he was upfront about it and didn't try to sugar coat it. He has always been like that - genuine. And I respect and love him for it. And of course I knew directors (including him) had hangups about my weight - I've always known that. I've written about it. For some reason I always felt like I shouldn't talk about it...like they'd deny it was an issue when we all knew it was. Maybe they were (are?) ashamed.
It wasn't until later that day, when I was driving up to the park, that I realized the importance of the verb tense he'd used.
You were a fat chick.
He didn't say You are.
That's significant. I'm still fat (although most surveys or online calculator things would place me in the "overweight" category, rather than "obese" or "morbidly obese" where I used to be) but comparatively I'm much more average-looking than I used to be. And maybe at this point my weight isn't the first thing that people notice about me.
That feels strange.
Was it really that big a part of my personality? My identity? Urgh this is too much philosophy for a Monday morning.
Suffice to say: I was glad to see my friend and we had a good talk. I need to be better about making coffee dates with loved ones.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
The Ludicrously Short Course (Whole10, Day 1)
Three days of eating junk food was pretty cool, although according to the scale I am 10.8 pounds heavier this morning than I was on my birthday. (After three days? JESUS. You can see why it's easy to get discouraged - some people's bodies just want so fucking badly to hang on to extra weight!) I'm hoping that it's primarily retained water and that it'll come off over the next ten days of clean eating. Maybe even an extra pound or two, although I'm not counting on it. My body can be pretty stupid sometimes and it probably thinks we're preparing for a long hard winter or something, and also that I'm a cavewoman. Blargh.
Here are a few things I've noticed during the short period of being off-plan:
Here are a few things I've noticed during the short period of being off-plan:
- My energy was completely obliterated. I've never really been a "bright-eyed and bushy-tailed" morning person, but this was ridiculous. Some of it was likely sugar crashes, some of it may have been that I was consuming less caffeine.
- I didn't have the same food desires that I thought I would. I find I don't really crave soda that much. I used to be able to put away liters and liters of Diet Coke or Dr. Pepper, I loved it so much. Now I guess I'm so used to drinking other things, that when I try soda it just tastes and feels a little weird to me. Moreover, I found it took me a much longer time to decide what I wanted to eat. I wanted to make my "treat" choices count and I knew I wouldn't feel very well if I just stuffed everything into my face.
- I found myself leaning towards more nutritious foods, even the off-plan ones. This was maybe the biggest surprise of all. My favorite treat that I had was on Monday (the day after my birthday), when my friend Melissa and I went to get Greek food at lunch. I got a falafel pita and it was OUTSTANDING. Although it's chock full of items not allowed on Whole30 (chickpeas, which are legumes, and the bread itself which is made from grains, as well as tzatziki which I think has dairy in it), it was massively delicious AND didn't leave me feeling slightly sick the way a lot of other "junk" foods did. I find one of my favorite things about eating on-plan is the idea that the foods I eat make me healthier and happier, so maybe it was a psychosomatic thing. (I don't think legumes, dairy, or grains are bad for me - I omit them on Whole30 so I can focus on meat and vegetables and try and lose weight; some people have sensitivities or allergies but I've luckily never had those issues.) This gives me hope for establishing a long-term eating plan, and finding more nutritious "treats" to eat when not on a WholeSomething. (side note: I also got Greek fries with feta and garlic, and they were also delicious but not nearly as good as the falafel).
- I ended up not consuming nearly as much as I'd anticipated. I'd bought a box of brownie mix and a box of cinnamon cake mix, neither of which I ended up baking. I didn't drink my almond Champagne or my Vino de Mocca (I figure I can have a glass at the end of the Whole10 to celebrate Julius Caesar's opening weekend). I only had one or two browncoats, which are my favorite cocktail, and I didn't even open any of the cartons of ice cream Panda had bought. While I ate several ice cream clowns over the 3 days, we didn't finish the Baskin-Robbins cake. Now that I think of it, I'm not even sure I had 3 actual meals a day during my days off. Which is very weird.
- After only 3 days (in fact, just after the first day) I immediately felt puffier, heavier, and more self-conscious. A huge part of that is in my head (although nearly-eleven pounds doesn't lie). When I feel bloated it feels more like I've gained 30 or 50 lbs, and the shape of my face is different enough that I feel sure people notice.
So, there you go. I'm very much looking forward to our all-inclusive vacation in Mexico (as is Panda...we're both seriously jazzed about it), but to be honest, I don't much feel like going crazy on the food and the booze. I'll indulge when I feel like it, but I don't have the urge to eat the sugariest or booziest thing just because I can. I find I like how I feel when I eat more nutritious things, and there are lots of on-plan (or just healthier off-plan) things I can eat that taste awesome, so I'm not inclined to nosh on things like chips or cookies unless they're really good. Does that make sense?
Anyway. Ten days on (final day will be opening for Julius Caesar, and I am beyond excited about this show), then on August 9th the Whole40 begins. Had a nice big breakfast of eggs and avocado and coffee this morning, and brought apricot chicken for lunch. Looking forward to hopefully clearing up some of this brain fog.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Birthday Joys (Whole65 Results)
Today I turned 32. I woke up early (eventually) and ran for four miles before coming back to weigh in, wash up, and measure.
The results were good. On the Whole65, even with the new more accurate scale with the higher numbers, I lost 19 pounds. Without adjusting the starting weight for the more accurate scale (because I don't know how), that puts me at 112 pounds lost so far.
I also lost inches all over, including:
Two inches from my waist
A half inch from my hips
A half inch from my thighs
So, I'm very happy with the results and I feel pretty good about the system and the running training so far. I'm still not very fast (or very skilled) but I'm glad that I get out there and do it. The other day I wore shorts, in public. I looked ridiculous but no one cared (no one ever cares how I look as much as I do, I know this). It feels good to be a little more confident about how I look. It feels like freedom.
My friend Jen gave me a present at our yummy diner breakfast this morning - a new Neil Gaiman, and a coloring book full of curse words. Jen's basically the greatest ever. She, her boyfriend, Panda, and I enjoyed an awesome breakfast at Flames (I had biscuits and gravy...drool).
Later on, Panda and I joined a bunch of my LLL cohorts at our September venue (Central Park San Mateo) and we had an impromptu picnic, caught up, gossiped about theatre and life, and ate and drank more yummy things. Maren, our ASM and my "twinsie," made me purple funfetti birthday cupcakes and I had way too many. We also had cider, and prosecco.
Returning home, Panda and I enjoyed some cake. He gifted me an ice cream cake from Baskin-Robbins, which was covered in the clown cones I used to love during my childhood.
Tomorrow and Tuesday will also be treat days for food, then it's back on beginning Wednesday.
The results were good. On the Whole65, even with the new more accurate scale with the higher numbers, I lost 19 pounds. Without adjusting the starting weight for the more accurate scale (because I don't know how), that puts me at 112 pounds lost so far.
I also lost inches all over, including:
Two inches from my waist
A half inch from my hips
A half inch from my thighs
So, I'm very happy with the results and I feel pretty good about the system and the running training so far. I'm still not very fast (or very skilled) but I'm glad that I get out there and do it. The other day I wore shorts, in public. I looked ridiculous but no one cared (no one ever cares how I look as much as I do, I know this). It feels good to be a little more confident about how I look. It feels like freedom.
My friend Jen gave me a present at our yummy diner breakfast this morning - a new Neil Gaiman, and a coloring book full of curse words. Jen's basically the greatest ever. She, her boyfriend, Panda, and I enjoyed an awesome breakfast at Flames (I had biscuits and gravy...drool).
Later on, Panda and I joined a bunch of my LLL cohorts at our September venue (Central Park San Mateo) and we had an impromptu picnic, caught up, gossiped about theatre and life, and ate and drank more yummy things. Maren, our ASM and my "twinsie," made me purple funfetti birthday cupcakes and I had way too many. We also had cider, and prosecco.
Returning home, Panda and I enjoyed some cake. He gifted me an ice cream cake from Baskin-Robbins, which was covered in the clown cones I used to love during my childhood.
 |
| Does anyone else remember these? |
 |
| Happy birthday girl! |
32 is starting off well. :-)
Monday, July 11, 2016
Birthday Week (Whole65, Day 60)
We're in the home stretch (again.) Part of me is excited for 3 days off (I've taken to calling it Rumshpringa, haha), and for my birthday. Part of me is terrified I won't have lost any weight or inches.
On Sunday (my 32nd birthday) the training program has me slated to run four miles. I actually looked online to see whether people tended to weigh more or less after a run, and the results are mixed (it's all water weight; if you sweat a lot, that weight will show as lost, but if you drink a lot of water during the workout it'll show as gained. It doesn't represent fat lost or gained).
I'm thinking I'll get up early, go for a run, then shower and weigh in and measure. Then, breakfast with Panda, Jen, and her boyfriend, and then a birthday picnic. The next two days will be "business as usual" with work and rehearsal (and running on Tuesday), but I'll be off-plan as far as eating goes so I plan on enjoying myself.
Tonight I have my (postponed) costume fitting for Julius Caesar. I'm looking forward to seeing what I have to work with. I really, truly love Sanborn Park (the second of three parks I'll be performing in this summer, and the home of this particular company). It's so beautiful.
As much as I loved Love's Labour's Lost (and as happy as I'll be to remount it this fall), I have to say, Caesar is becoming one of my favorite theatre experiences. I'm a lucky girl to be on this team, and I'm really thankful.
On Sunday (my 32nd birthday) the training program has me slated to run four miles. I actually looked online to see whether people tended to weigh more or less after a run, and the results are mixed (it's all water weight; if you sweat a lot, that weight will show as lost, but if you drink a lot of water during the workout it'll show as gained. It doesn't represent fat lost or gained).
I'm thinking I'll get up early, go for a run, then shower and weigh in and measure. Then, breakfast with Panda, Jen, and her boyfriend, and then a birthday picnic. The next two days will be "business as usual" with work and rehearsal (and running on Tuesday), but I'll be off-plan as far as eating goes so I plan on enjoying myself.
Tonight I have my (postponed) costume fitting for Julius Caesar. I'm looking forward to seeing what I have to work with. I really, truly love Sanborn Park (the second of three parks I'll be performing in this summer, and the home of this particular company). It's so beautiful.
As much as I loved Love's Labour's Lost (and as happy as I'll be to remount it this fall), I have to say, Caesar is becoming one of my favorite theatre experiences. I'm a lucky girl to be on this team, and I'm really thankful.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Early Pangs of Panicking (Whole65, Day 55)
Usually it's the final week when I start thinking I should subsist on celery until the end of the program and weigh in. I'll feel fine (normal, pudgy but not massive) for weeks, even slender at some points (like after my PMS is all over), but the minute the end is in sight and I start thinking about how I'll need to weigh myself soon, my belly expands and my whole mass is denser...like a dying star...my skin is a mess and I just feel like I ate an entire barrel of grease and also some cement.
I can't tell what's pessimism and what's legitimate body-related stuff. Can anxiety or stress actually make you gain weight? I think that is a thing.
Yesterday I missed my run. I'm not happy with myself about it, but I needed a little bit of rest. We also moved to the park for Julius Caesar, and it was so beautiful. We're back there tonight and I'm going to try to focus on the play, which is fascinating and fun, and not on my portly belly (fun side note: name the Shakespearean character who, like me, is convinced those around him are fixated on "my portly belly".) No one is looking at how fat I am. No one cares (but me.) No one's offended.
I shouldn't even have to tell myself this.
I pulled a bunch of bags of clothes from my mother's garage, washed tons and tons of them and hung them all over my apartment (much to Panda's dismay). They're all dry and folded now...this weekend if and when I have time, I'm going to sort the massive piles of clothes (tshirts mostly) into donate/ swap, keep, throw away, etc.
I have stuff that fits now that hasn't fit since high school or college. There are also some items which probably won't ever fit again (and I'm not sure how they fit in the first place, to be honest.) The long torso thing is apparently new, since some of my smaller shirts now stop well above the waistline of my pants.
I look forward to someday having a steady idea of how I'm shaped, and being able to invest in clothing for the long haul.
...is that a thing? I wonder if anyone's actually the same size from one year to another. Huh.
I can't tell what's pessimism and what's legitimate body-related stuff. Can anxiety or stress actually make you gain weight? I think that is a thing.
Yesterday I missed my run. I'm not happy with myself about it, but I needed a little bit of rest. We also moved to the park for Julius Caesar, and it was so beautiful. We're back there tonight and I'm going to try to focus on the play, which is fascinating and fun, and not on my portly belly (fun side note: name the Shakespearean character who, like me, is convinced those around him are fixated on "my portly belly".) No one is looking at how fat I am. No one cares (but me.) No one's offended.
I shouldn't even have to tell myself this.
I pulled a bunch of bags of clothes from my mother's garage, washed tons and tons of them and hung them all over my apartment (much to Panda's dismay). They're all dry and folded now...this weekend if and when I have time, I'm going to sort the massive piles of clothes (tshirts mostly) into donate/ swap, keep, throw away, etc.
I have stuff that fits now that hasn't fit since high school or college. There are also some items which probably won't ever fit again (and I'm not sure how they fit in the first place, to be honest.) The long torso thing is apparently new, since some of my smaller shirts now stop well above the waistline of my pants.
I look forward to someday having a steady idea of how I'm shaped, and being able to invest in clothing for the long haul.
...is that a thing? I wonder if anyone's actually the same size from one year to another. Huh.
Friday, July 1, 2016
It Marches On (Whole65, Day 50)
Geez, how is it frickin' July already?
Thankfully we get Monday off to celebrate 4th of July. Un-thankfully, I'll need to steer clear of the best and tastiest barbecues and beers. My birthday is on the 17th, and that'll be my first day off after Whole65 is complete. I am thinking I should probably eat cake and ice cream for all three meals. You know, get it out of my system.
I'll only have 3 days off, since I'm planning on doing a very short program before Julius Caesar opening and our Mexico trip. Then I'll have just under 2 weeks.
Because my body will cheerfully pack on 16 pounds of fat if I eat a single cupcake, and then somehow retain all 16 pounds if I eat celery and run 30 miles a day for 3 months, it's quite possible that I will see a loss of progress during these times. However, I need to watch and see what happens and try not to be too pessimistic. A big overall goal is to find a program I can stick with long-term, where I can get the results I want eventually and then maintain them.
Julius Caesar opens in 4 weeks, yay!
Thankfully we get Monday off to celebrate 4th of July. Un-thankfully, I'll need to steer clear of the best and tastiest barbecues and beers. My birthday is on the 17th, and that'll be my first day off after Whole65 is complete. I am thinking I should probably eat cake and ice cream for all three meals. You know, get it out of my system.
I'll only have 3 days off, since I'm planning on doing a very short program before Julius Caesar opening and our Mexico trip. Then I'll have just under 2 weeks.
Because my body will cheerfully pack on 16 pounds of fat if I eat a single cupcake, and then somehow retain all 16 pounds if I eat celery and run 30 miles a day for 3 months, it's quite possible that I will see a loss of progress during these times. However, I need to watch and see what happens and try not to be too pessimistic. A big overall goal is to find a program I can stick with long-term, where I can get the results I want eventually and then maintain them.
Julius Caesar opens in 4 weeks, yay!
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