Insane-ness (Whole70, Day 25)

Everything's flying around and on fire but I'm trying to stay centered. Having control over food is helping a little. This new FitBit thing is also encouraging, buzzing to remind me to get up and walk (which clears my head) every hour.

It took a little while to start to see weirdness in my skin, but I think after about 14-15 days was when I really noticed it changing. It's not super dry yet but it's different...the texture went from regular bad skin, to sandpaper-gross skin, to now just...I don't know how to describe it except "gross purging skin." Sorry if that's too much information.

My lips are the only thing that are really dry, but thankfully I haven't had peeling or cracking to any serious degree because I have been religious about applying lip balm.

My dermatologist introduced me to tinted sunscreen, which is THE BEST EVER. Even driving the 20 minutes to work in the morning, without sunscreen, now earns me a bright pink burn on my face and neck. Ugh.

In other (food) news, I bought groceries last night (but it was too hot to cook), and tonight I'll be batching:

• Cottage pie with mashed cauliflower (this one's in regular rotation; super yummy and the recipe makes a ton)
• Bacon (for breakfasts, and in order to reserve the grease for other cooking)
• Chicken and Brussels sprouts
• Braised kale and carrots
• Roasted carrots with curry spices (I have a lot of carrots to get through)
• ..................I can't remember the other thing but I bought supplies for at least one other thing.

I've also been trying to eat sauerkraut on a regular basis (not a ton of it, just a bit) in order to get the probiotic benefits. I'd been taking probiotic supplements on my doctor's advice, but they're expensive and pretty much everything I read says food sources are much more effective. So we shall see. No yogurt on Whole70 but in the past that has helped too, so maybe when I'm off-plan I'll incorporate some yogurt and see how I feel.

So much going on. I could really use some of that legendary energy and vim and vigor that people talk about on these things. >.< Grrr...

Where is this Fatigue Coming From? (Whole70, Day 4)

So...

I've been feeling a bit dead on my feet lately. Not sure if it's because of girl time, because of sugar withdrawal from going back on-plan, from more physical exertion, or from the iso (it feels weird to use a defunct brand name, so instead of "Accutane" or "isotretinoin" I'll just call it "iso" and hope it catches on. I'm hip like that).

It may also be the depression. I don't quite go Melancholia-level catatonic, but I've been in and out of these periodic dips often enough to recognize when my body and mind just want to hide in a blanket fort, turn off my phone, and dream of faraway adventures.

Speaking of which, my dreams have been very strange lately. I can only remember little bits and pieces, but I wake up going "omigod that was insane" and watching the images recede into my subconscious as though into a black hole, so that by the time I find a pen to write down what I'd been dreaming it's completely gone and I'm left with a confused and frustrated...aftertaste. I'm sure there's a better word than that, but I hope you'll forgive me: I'm exhausted.

As far as the iso goes, I haven't really noticed any changes in the first four days. I've been babying my face with moisturizer and heavy-duty lip balm, but it looks and feels the same as it usually does (maybe a BIT more flakey? It's been dry for a long time...). It's probably because this introductory dose is so low. It'll likely get bumped up to nuclear levels in the coming months.

It is very good I'm back on plan...in the last few weeks I'd noticed that I was tending to drink more and more booze when going out with friends (and even when home by myself before bed)...and my tolerance is pretty low anyway, so the shame and "oh GOD what stupid thing have I gone and said now" were raging. I'm off booze for Whole70, but also likely for the duration of the iso, because apparently it lowers your tolerance...and when a single cocktail renders me Zelda Fitzgerald, I'm guessing I should just not touch the stuff while my liver's processing all this Vitamin A. Just a hunch.

I need a blanket fort.

A Single Step (Whole70, Day 1)

Well, I've started (again) and I'm glad to be back on a plan.

I went to my 6AM boot camp class (even though I really, really didn't want to, haha). I took my first isotretinoin pill at 8AM and am anxiously awaiting the dry, chapped skin and cracked lips that everyone has warned me will plague me for the first few weeks. I ate my eggs and avocados, drank my black coffee, and have my chicken and Brussels sprouts (and plantain chips) packed for lunch.

Tonight I'll be doing laundry and cleaning, and setting aside (or tossing) a bunch of face products I can no longer use.

It's 9:30 and I'm already ready to go back to bed, haha. Oh! And it's day one of Girl Time (tmi...sorry) so there's that too.

It's just a big heaping helping of DAY ONE today. But I'm here. I'm still here.

Roaring Back (Whole70, Day -2)

Hello *waves* remember me?

So much has happened. Life has been upside-down, inside-out and completely fantastic and frightening and wonderful and scary and sad and ...just insane. Absolutely insane.

I have spent 2018 so far not being on a WholeSomething, with the exception of January's traditional Whole30. And it hasn't gone very well. While in general I make healthier choices, the lack of structure has been discouraging and I haven't been great about food, exercise, or (cringe) alcohol. I've definitely overdone it (and enjoyed it immensely) but I know it's not doing me any favors. Some pounds have crept back on, and I already had a lot left to lose.

So I'm getting serious again and making plans, and batch-cooking, and setting up a brand-new FitBit Versa, and setting more goals.

The structure works best for me. I want another transformation. So I'm going to make this happen, and a big part of that is keeping myself honest and writing about it here.

In the last few months, I have gone through some...adventures. But the highlights are:

• Performed in The Laramie Project, one of the two best things I've ever had the privilege to do
• Performed in Distracted, the other one of the two best things. We close tomorrow and it's going to break my heart into pieces when it's over
• Which is why I'm planning to throw myself back into my health and fitness
• Ended my long-term relationship with my boyfriend of eight years (nothing terrible or melodramatic; we've grown apart, I still love him and want the very best for him and want to be his friend and have him in my life)
• Put myself out there for a lot more auditions (which is continuing...)

Beginning on Monday, I will be:

• Starting a Whole70 (I know...it's a long one; basically it'll be 71 days until my 34th birthday so I'll give myself the option to cut loose that day and have cake and Champagne, but the name of the game here is consistency and self-care. And I want results, which takes a big commitment)
• Beginning isotretinoin (aka Accutane). I've been seeing a dermatologist I really like and have been through numerous prescription treatments for my moderate, up-and-down acne since my teens. This is the big guns, and I'm excited and a little anxious
• Exercising (here's where the FitBit will help.) I'm taking classes three days a week, boot-camp-style high intensity interval training. Two days a week I will start running again, since cardio is most necessary to lose as much extra weight as I'd like to (but of course I want to build some stronger muscles and keep my bones safe, hence the HIIT classes). I'm considering using the 5K to 10K app again just to have structure for it, but that would be three days a week of running (thus six days a week of exercising). I don't know how sustainable that would be, but for 70 days I think I could do it. Otherwise, I'll just do a 20-30 minute run, twice a week.
• I only have one more week on my pass for the boot camp class I'm taking now, but I'm going to see about getting another Groupon for a different class or possibly finding a different option at the gym where I'm a member
• Writing. This has helped me a lot, to see progress and vent and all that crazy stuff
• Packing, purging, and organizing (because since the break up, I need to find a new place to live. Which will be an adventure and probably a lot of stress and heartache, because Bay Area housing is fucking insane...)

Which means this weekend, I am:

• Having my last mini-spa-day for a while (can't exfoliate or use face masks on Accutane)
• Eating a few treats (nothing crazy) and possibly having a Manhattan or two
• Closing this play
• Batch-cooking Whole30-friendly foods for the upcoming week or so
• Cottage pie (with mashed cauliflower)
• Crispy chicken with Brussels sprouts
• Braised kale and carrots
• Mexican beef
• Beginning to memorize lines for Much Ado About Nothing (rehearsals begin mid-June and I'll be playing Ursula)
• Getting my head in the game, psyching myself up, and assorted other things

I'm posting here, for myself (and anyone else who might still actually read this thing - thank you!) in order to give myself some additional accountability and motivation.

The name of the game is transformation, and growth. And self-love. This bitch is coming roaring back.

The Delicate Art of Scheduling (Whole30, Day 22)

I'm glad to report I've kept up with the running, *and* was able to work out a training schedule that would allow me to finish the 5K to 10K program a couple of days before the Turkey Trot (10K), and the 13.1 program the week prior to the Fairy Tale Challenge in February (10K and Half Marathon).

It occurred to me today that while it's embarrassing to walk around my office in my dorky-looking running gear (I do this as little as possible; I change in the restroom, drop my stuff at my desk and FLEE out the door to go run, then return to my desk, grab my bag as quickly as possible, book it to the tiny shower room to wash and change), I am grateful to have midday runs as an option. To make it work with my hourly schedule for my fulltime day job, I bring my lunches to work (Whole30 batch cooking, yay) and eat at my desk, then during my lunch "break" I go for my runs on the trail behind the building. The benefit of having the trail, and a private shower, is a huge plus for me when there's no other time I could build this in.

Tonight my mom and younger brother return from a trip to Disneyland. They live in the house where I grew up, about 20 minutes from my apartment. While they were out of town, my mom had asked me to look after her four cats and bring in the mail...and when she asked me my blood pressure skyrocketed. Not because it was an out-of-line request (I've watched her animals dozens of times), but because when you have so little free time, a small task can eat up almost all of it.

To put this in perspective, my days this week have included:

• Checking on mom's house/ cats in the morning
• Work
• Running training
• More work
• Rehearsal

It doesn't sound like *too* much, unless you factor in the commute times. It's a 15-20 minute drive to my mom's house from mine in the morning, depending on traffic. Work is a half hour in the opposite direction, so I tacked more time onto my morning commute. Thank goodness I don't have to travel anywhere in order to get my exercise in. Commuting to rehearsal involves picking up my bf at the lightrail station (his car is out of commission at the moment) and then driving another half hour down to Gilroy for rehearsal. We typically get out of there about 9:30PM and it takes almost an hour to drive home (and that's if we don't have to stop anywhere on the way.)

It would be very, very easy for me to get overwhelmed, throw my hands in the air and say "fuck it" and cut the workout and Whole30 out of my plans for the day since they take up way too much additional time and are a pain in the ass to manage. But in this (increasingly) batshit crazy world I inhabit, my workouts and my eating are two of the (minute) few things I control. So I want to take control, and I want to take ownership, and I want to take care of myself. So I schedule.

I batch-cook my meals, which isn't glamorous and involves me eating almost all my meals out of 10-year-old plastic dishware that I think came with lunchmeat a lifetime ago. I pack my running bag, including shower essentials, the night before so I don't have the "I'm in a rush" excuse in the morning. Having the running training apps with the built-in calendars helps immensely, not only to see progress but to help plan for specific events like the Turkey Trot and Fairy Tale Challenge.

Today I got an email from my cousin (a friend and fellow theatre/ film enthusiast, with whom I'm working on a series of short films called Moments in Shakespeare). He was distributing information about an upcoming shoot we're doing, for a scene from Two Gentlemen of Verona, and thank goodness he was flexible with my schedule because I literally have at least one thing in my calendar, every day, from now until mid-November (and a pretty full slate after that, as well). It'll also be Day 1 of my next Whole25 (following the one-day break I'm taking after my current Whole30 - my friend's birthday celebration involves visiting several dairies a couple hours' north of us and I'll be damned if I'm visiting cows and buffalos and NOT sampling cheese).

I also nearly cried when I saw the preliminary schedule for The Laramie Project, which the stage manager sent us in the middle of last week. Rehearsals begin while Inspecting Carol is still in performances, which means I'll be going from Saturday evening shows in Gilroy to Sunday blocking rehearsals in Palo Alto (which can be 6-8 hours long!). I love rehearsal, and blocking, and all that theatre nerdy shit. I couldn't figure out why I was so anxious and frustrated and I believe it was because the scheduling didn't "work out" perfectly on its own. It needed finagling and work (from me). Sometimes I have conflicts. Sometimes I'm double-booked and have to cancel one thing over the other.

Sometimes I don't get the day off I want, to lounge around in my underwear and drink Tejava and read comic books with my cats. Sometimes those days are filled with rehearsals or extra work. Sometimes I have to spend those days buying groceries, and cooking a week's worth of chicken and vegetables.

It'll be in flux for a while (and with the holidays approaching I recognize that my anxiety's going to be more kinetic than usual.) After The Laramie Project closes, I'll have a week off, then several days in Florida including the 10K and half marathon, then the literal day after the half (and my mom's birthday!) is our projected start date for rehearsals for Distracted.

Oh, I may have forgotten to mention Distracted. I'm excited and seriously stunned to have landed the role of Mama, and at a company where I haven't worked before to boot. I imagine it'll be especially challenging going from one deep dark emotional place with Laramie to a completely different (but still heartbreaking) one with Distracted. That runs through the beginning of May.

Lots and lots and lots of things. Scheduling (and having one calendar to which I refer) helps me immensely.

The Strapless Bra Conundrum (Whole30, Day 19)

I am feeling a little better today. My lunchtime run was 35 minutes, which felt too long for comfort but I was able to run (read: jog, and/ or fall forward swiftly) for the whole time, and I survived.

I wore the same offending running pants from my last post, but this time I wore simple solid-color underwear so as not to attract too much attention to my butt, which was already ...erm... conspicuous in the too-snug pants. But hey, I can't afford more pairs of running pants so I have to make do with what I have.

Today's lunch is this amazing Cajun chicken recipe, but with Brussels sprouts instead of potatoes. I've made it with potatoes before and it's super yummy, but my friend Jennifer recommended trying it with sprouts instead of starch and she was bang on - it's an awesome complementary veggie without the extra carbohydrates, and hopefully it'll serve me better in the weight-loss game.

Speaking of which, I've been pondering a post-weight loss issue and wondering if other ladies have experienced the same thing. I tend to lose weight much more easily from my top half than from my bottom half, so one of the first places I notice visible size changes is my chest/ boob area (while my thighs, butt, and lower belly are stubbornly slow to change). For this reason, I've gone from a 40G down to a 34D in the last few years. It's typically not a problem to find regular bras that fit (Wachoal is my favorite; super comfy and supportive and durable) but strapless bras? Forget it. I had to buy one this weekend for a dress I wore to an event on Sunday (and I'm wearing it again today under an off-the-shoulder shirt I've loved since college), and finding one that fit properly and felt like it was going to stay on, was a PROJECT. I think a big part of this is that my breasts aren't as "full" as they used to be. :-( Now they're still big, just...empty? Is that the word? They have no lift to them at all. They're...like...long. :-/ A strapless bra has to do ten times as much work just to keep them "afloat" without over-the-shoulder straps. I have grown accustomed to the idea that I have the stomach of a thousand-year-old crone, what with all the extra skin and wrinkles and stretch marks, but I was really hoping I could have age-appropriate boobs for most of my 30s. I'm 33, I shouldn't look like The Pale Man from El Laberinto when I get undressed.

...sorry if the above was TMI. Heh. But not really.

(Barely) Better than Nothing (Whole30, Day 16)

I feel unhinged, unglued, and undone. Anxiety and stress have been very high with me, yesterday and today, and last night I had a pretty bad attack that left me feeling pretty much dead (and looking like a sick frog) this morning.

Then again, it's Friday the 13th. Which could also explain the ridiculously bad run I had today. I had to slow to a walk at several "jog" intervals, which ...I can't even remember the last time I've had to do that. Plus my water bottle messed up my tube belt, which rode up uncomfortably, and (the coup de grâce): my running capris were pretty much translucent, so the pattern of my underwear was clearly visible on my ass. So naturally, of fucking course, there were more people fucking wandering the trail than I have ever seen in my life before. Including one massive beefy dude who rode by me on a motorized bike (not quite a moped...no idea what it's called. The point is, he did not exist until today when my underwear was visible).

I ran (sort of), anyway. I'm at the point where the one and only thing I can control is my own behavior, so even if I didn't run or jog the whole time, I had to finish the damn workout. Which I did. And I felt (and still feel) like garbage. But I think I feel better than I would have, had I quit and turned around or simply not gone out on the trail at all.

I wonder if anyone else finds themselves more superstitious (and semi-religious, even) when their anxiety goes this insane. I feel like I can't be the only one.