Swollen.

It's my last day as a 30-year-old. I'm at work, and later I'll be at rehearsal where I was told there might be cake. That'll be fun.

Both my mom and Panda have gone out of their way to make fun plans for tomorrow night (Friday, my actual birthday). Then on Saturday, I'm pretty sure I'll be drinking lemon water and eating only a couple of fibrous vegetables in preparation for Sunday's weights, measurements, and official Day One malarkey.

I went through Facebook today looking for a photo to post for Throwback Thursday, and was kind of taken aback by some older photos of myself. They seem much bigger. The whole shape of my face is different. Don't get me wrong -- as Artie Lange would say, "it's not like I'm Calista Flockhart now" -- I'm nowhere near where I'd like to be, but I'm certainly much closer than I was a couple of years ago. My whole shape is just...I don't know what the right word is. It's different. It was kind of gratifying to be able to see a difference in myself, since the change has been so gradual and slow.

That being said, I do feel really bloated and swollen these past few days. It's uncomfortable and it's inhibited my sleep (very disappointing, since I LOVE sleep). I won't be surprised (but I'd still be disappointed) if Sunday's weigh in revealed a gain of at least what I lost on Whole50, if not more. But, I'm thinking the first few of those pounds will drop off fairly quickly (they usually do) since they're likely retained water from all the added salt and junk food I've been enjoying on my off-season.

A very slender friend has started texting me her diet woes. I want to be sympathetic (whatever your size, we're all human and we're all allowed to be insecure) but it's like...hard wired in me to get annoyed and defensive. If you're not technically overweight at all (never mind obese) you can complain about your fatness...to your other skinny friends who can relate. Like, I can complain about money problems to my other middle-working-class white people here in California...but I'm not gonna go crying to some woman living on the streets with no income, no insurance and ten babies to feed. That would be stupid and extremely inconsiderate. It's important to have perspective - in all aspects of life.

So I'm trying, even when I have a shitty day and feel like an ugly fat walrus, to remember the following:

• I can still walk, and sometimes run. I have the use of all my limbs, my brain, and my senses. I'm not in a wheelchair and I haven't lost my faculties to diseases like diabetes
• For that matter, I'm not diabetic. That's fortunate, since the diabetics I know deal with much bigger struggles than I do
• I have the ability, and the means, to buy and cook foods that will make me healthier and help me change my shape
• I'm learning to enjoy life every day, even though this isn't "the after picture" - I don't want to feel like I'm always going "I'll be happy when..." because that seems counterintuitive. Sure, I'll be happy when I'm 150 lbs and normal size and able to buy nice clothes straight off the rack from places. But I'm also happy NOW, because despite regular stuff here and there, my life's pretty good!

This has been deep thoughts with Dana. Now back to your regularly-scheduled snark.