Anticlimax. (Whole50, Day 50)

I went back and forth on weighing in this morning, since I'll be waking up (super early) tomorrow morning at a friend's house and her scale isn't the same one I've been using throughout this process. In the end I decided I might as well, to give myself a basic idea.

No change.

Zero pounds.

I mean, I could fudge a pound up or down depending on how I stood on the scale (it's a total POS and I should get rid of it) but there hasn't been any change.

And I mean since the start of this Whole50, not since the end of the last one. Which means I'm still two pounds heavier than the end of the last one.

How I'm feeling right now

Not like I'm going to lose 10 pounds overnight, so I guess that's my result for this Whole50. And that's with the addition of the running (although not as regularly as before, the runs are for longer periods of time) AND decreasing the starchy veggies like potatoes.

I'll ask Melissa tonight if she has a tape measure I can use, so I can at least see if I've lost any inches in the last few months.

Needless to say, I'm feeling a very heavy riptide of disappointment pulling me out to sea. This obviously isn't how I wanted to start my fucking vacation.

I knew it would slow down considerably after the first few months. But I didn't know it would stop altogether. It's not like I'm even at "normal" weight for my height or age now (I'm at the low end of "overweight", and no, it's not because I have muscle weight.)

And so, I'm going to need to seriously reevaluate how I'll construct my eating plans going forward. It may be that I need to modify the plan to be more Atkins-esque (i.e. continue with meat and vegetables but cut out starchy/ sugary vegetables completely; cut out fruit except berries; add some dairy back in). Whole30 wasn't invented to be a weight loss plan, and it's time for me to come to terms with that. It's gotten me a long, long way in my journey, and I'm really thankful to have been able to use it. But it's not going to get me the whole way. 

As stupid as this sounds, I really did think I'd found my ace in the hole. I fooled myself momentarily thinking I could coast. I feel fat and disappointed, and really, really stupid right now.

ARGH

Ok ok ok ok ok - I promised I would be good to myself no matter what, so I am. I'm not a failure, I stuck with the eating plan for 50 days and that's an accomplishment in itself. I'm getting better at running. I'm going to treat myself this weekend and enjoy junk food and booze (not enough to make me sick or be self-destructive in any way, just enough to have some fun.) When I get home, I'll take a few relaxed days to eat and drink with friends. Then I'll formulate a new plan and start again. Phase...wtf phase am I on, I can't remember and I don't feel like checking. 

There may never be an "after" photo, guys. I know that. And that fucking sucks. But right now I am feeling much better than I did two years ago, and I will continue reminding myself of that even on sucky days like this one.

And today's going to get better: I get to see some short films tonight, I get to spend the night at a friend's house, and tomorrow we're on vacation in Ashland for a few days! We get to see awesome plays in a beautiful town that I love, and it doesn't matter what I look like. 

For the next few days, I have to turn that part of me off. It doesn't matter what I look like. It doesn't matter what I look like. 

It can matter again next week. But for the next few days it doesn't fucking matter.

I won't let it.