Usually it's the final week when I start thinking I should subsist on celery until the end of the program and weigh in. I'll feel fine (normal, pudgy but not massive) for weeks, even slender at some points (like after my PMS is all over), but the minute the end is in sight and I start thinking about how I'll need to weigh myself soon, my belly expands and my whole mass is denser...like a dying star...my skin is a mess and I just feel like I ate an entire barrel of grease and also some cement.
I can't tell what's pessimism and what's legitimate body-related stuff. Can anxiety or stress actually make you gain weight? I think that is a thing.
Yesterday I missed my run. I'm not happy with myself about it, but I needed a little bit of rest. We also moved to the park for Julius Caesar, and it was so beautiful. We're back there tonight and I'm going to try to focus on the play, which is fascinating and fun, and not on my portly belly (fun side note: name the Shakespearean character who, like me, is convinced those around him are fixated on "my portly belly".) No one is looking at how fat I am. No one cares (but me.) No one's offended.
I shouldn't even have to tell myself this.
I pulled a bunch of bags of clothes from my mother's garage, washed tons and tons of them and hung them all over my apartment (much to Panda's dismay). They're all dry and folded now...this weekend if and when I have time, I'm going to sort the massive piles of clothes (tshirts mostly) into donate/ swap, keep, throw away, etc.
I have stuff that fits now that hasn't fit since high school or college. There are also some items which probably won't ever fit again (and I'm not sure how they fit in the first place, to be honest.) The long torso thing is apparently new, since some of my smaller shirts now stop well above the waistline of my pants.
I look forward to someday having a steady idea of how I'm shaped, and being able to invest in clothing for the long haul.
...is that a thing? I wonder if anyone's actually the same size from one year to another. Huh.
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