I do feel a little better physically after a few days back on plan. Still puffy and heavy, but putting the weight back on has always been stupidly easy, while coaxing it off has always been the lovechild of calculus and climbing Kilimanjaro.
Tech for Julius Caesar begins tonight, and I'm beyond excited to get this show on its feet and start showing it off when we open Friday. And then, a week from today, I'll be flying to Mexico for vacation...whew...lots and lots going on.
On Saturday morning, I had coffee with a good friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while, and it was great to catch up and gossip and talk theatre and life. He made a comment that surprised me, that each time he saw me he was struck by the weight loss progress I'd made. "But you see me all the time," I said.
"No, I don't. I go from seeing you every day (when we're working on a show together) to not seeing you for six to eight weeks. And in six to eight weeks you...shift." Interesting. The progress has seemed slower than hell to me - I guess because I actually *do* see myself every day.
Later in the conversation we were talking about the Shakespeare company I'm working with, and I mentioned that I was glad I'd met so-and-so and worked on another show with a different company, because they were able to recommend me and I was finally able to be cast in Shakespeare in the Park (last season, with Comedy of Errors). He looked slightly exasperated and said, "Dana, it's not all about networking." I agreed that it wasn't a hundred per cent, but that it was a huge part of it, and he raised his voice and said,
"No--Dana, you were a fat chick! And casting directors have trouble placing women outside of these little boxes. You don't look like someone's mother anymore."
This surprised me...and it also surprised me that it didn't make me mad. He was right. It actually reminded me of the conversation I'd had with my dad, after being cast as Lady Capulet (and not Juliet) at the age of 15. I mentioned it in my first entry on this blog. I found I appreciated that he was upfront about it and didn't try to sugar coat it. He has always been like that - genuine. And I respect and love him for it. And of course I knew directors (including him) had hangups about my weight - I've always known that. I've written about it. For some reason I always felt like I shouldn't talk about it...like they'd deny it was an issue when we all knew it was. Maybe they were (are?) ashamed.
It wasn't until later that day, when I was driving up to the park, that I realized the importance of the verb tense he'd used.
You were a fat chick.
He didn't say You are.
That's significant. I'm still fat (although most surveys or online calculator things would place me in the "overweight" category, rather than "obese" or "morbidly obese" where I used to be) but comparatively I'm much more average-looking than I used to be. And maybe at this point my weight isn't the first thing that people notice about me.
That feels strange.
Was it really that big a part of my personality? My identity? Urgh this is too much philosophy for a Monday morning.
Suffice to say: I was glad to see my friend and we had a good talk. I need to be better about making coffee dates with loved ones.
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