Ok, second update. Prepare yourself.
I broke down and bought almond butter at Safeway. I sat down in front of the tv tonight after dinner to have a spoonful, and upon opening the cap I saw that the paper "seal" on top had been torn asunder and someone had *licked* a huge swathe of it out.
I yelped and slammed the jar onto the coffee table like it was on fire (because I am a sensible and mature human being) and then I called Safeway. I felt like a complete moron explaining to the lady what happened, but she just laughed and told me to come on by and exchange it for a new one. Fifteen minutes and a *very* careful inspection later, I was home with a fresh jar, and a bad case of the shudders.
Melissa from Safeway Customer Service, thank you for not making me waste too much money on my last jar of almond butter until the drought is over (seriously...I shouldn't have even bought this one.)
And to the undoubtedly homeless jackass riddled with disease who opened and licked a jar of almond butter (of all the products to lick...that's what you chose?) and then closed it and put it back on the shelf for someone to buy, I salute your ingenuity. And I very much hope you trip and fall facefirst into a puddle of dogshit, in front of someone you'd like to impress.
*Shudder* Seriously, people...
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