Another First (Whole75, Day 69)

The other night at rehearsal, an actress and director with whom I've worked several times didn't recognize me. It hasn't even been that long since I last saw her (and we're friends on Facebook) so it was really strange and kind of funny.

Limelight has several projects going on at once, so our rehearsal for The MoMologues was booked after a rehearsal he was holding for a special event for a local philanthropy group. I walked in and saw a few people I recognized, including this lady, and smiled and waved at her. She smiled back at me but looked distracted (she was working, obviously.) So I watched their readings and hung out while they got notes and chatted with Kev afterwards. A few others whom I hadn't seen in a while came up to hug me, including the couple I worked with on Weekend Comedy a couple of years ago (I did get a "where did Dana go?!?" which was sweet.) The actress I'd smiled and waved at was working on something at a table by herself, so I waited for her to pack up, then went in for a hug with my arms out to her...and noticed her vaguely terrified and nonplussed expression as I moved in.

There was an awkward pause, and then shock crossed her face and she yelled "Oh. My. GOD" and finally hugged me.

"Did you not know who I was?"
"No!!"
"...then why did you smile when I...were you just tolerantly smiling at the weird stranger waving at you from the audience?..."
"YES!"

This is the one-act play in which she directed me, in March 2011

Granted, I was also wearing my glasses, which are sort of new (when I worked with her I didn't have them.) But yeah, that's the first time anyone I know has straight-up not known it was me, up close. Kinda weird and wonderful.

She was very complimentary and that was another nice thing.

For reference, here is what I looked like in my last production of The MoMologues (in 2011) vs. what I look like now. The later photo was taken on the night I was mistaken for a transient who'd wandered in to wave at people. ;-)

The MoMologues 2011 (I'm in the center)

The MoMologues 2016 (I'm on the right)

I vainly posted the above 2 photos on my Facebook wall as a sneaky "throwback Thursday" way to show off the progress I'm making. It's slower than a tortoise on Qaaludes, but it's happening.

Incidentally, I realized I was telling myself these past few days to simultaneously "just keep swimming" and "just breathe." No wonder I felt like I was drowning. Heh.

Six more days.

Crogging, Scream-Breathing, and Other Forms of Anxiety (Whole75, Day 67)

I think something snapped in my brain shortly after I wrote my last entry a few days ago. I seriously considered writing another entry later that day, about the...episode I had, but ultimately decided against it.

I've let my anxiety and stress get the better of me too much these last few days weeks for a while now, and it's impacting my health (...and appearance) in a negative way.

I've kept up with the jogging program on my Couch to 5K app, and it's been getting more and more challenging every week. Last week it was 25-minute pops, this week it's 28 and next week, the final week, it's 30. Hopefully by the end of next week I'll be able to jog a 5K in 30 minutes...but to be honest that's pretty unlikely. In order to keep up the jogging motion and not switch to walking after 20-something minutes, when I feel like my body's going to flop into pieces on the trail around me and my lungs are going to implode, I tend to slow my pace down to an exaggerated Baywatch-looking run that I'm really glad people don't see. It's fairly ridiculous. (But I'm trying, dammit.)

Based on the stats logged in the app (which aren't perfect but use the phone's GPS navigation to track my workouts, which is helpful) I ran 2.53 miles yesterday during the 28-minute jogging section, with an average running pace of 11:04 minutes per mile. In order to run about 3.11 miles (5 kilometers) in 30 minutes, I would need a running pace of under 10 minutes per mile. I'm not sure I can get quite that good in a week and a half. And even the 11-minute mile feels like misery and self-pity for the last 12 minutes or so. And my breathing turns into cartoonish scream-huffs just trying to get air in and out.

Maybe I can figure out intervals of running faster/slower the way the program had me running and walking? I don't know. I'm thinking about investing in a Garmin or some kind of "running watch" that tracks your pace and distance, which might be more reliable than an app on the phone. Although in terms of making myself run for longer spaces of time, Couch to 5K has been invaluable. A year ago I probably couldn't run for 30 seconds, let alone run a mile. Now that I think about it, I don't know that I've *ever* been able to run a mile. Now I can run two and a half. That's kind of cool.

Anyway the running doesn't exactly help with the stress, but it does make me exhausted and sweaty enough that it distracts me from the ten million other things conspiring to go wrong during the day.

Here's the thing: it's important for me to be able to control things in my own life. The food I eat, my activities, my calendar, my budget, that kind of thing. I know there are a fuckton of things beyond my control, and I try hard to work alongside those things, but I feel better knowing what I'm responsible for and taking comfort in the fact that "at least" I know I can walk and run and work on my health.

The thing is, what with the aforementioned ten million things conspiring to go wrong, things that are within my control are trying hard to get out of my control. And that's when, I've discovered, my brain tends to go nuclear.

Example: after writing my most recent entry I got changed to go do my afternoon run. I didn't have a lot of clean clothes so I had to use an old pair of workout pants, which are now much too big. I have a little tub of safety pins I bring with me so I secured these stupid-looking things (or so I thought) with big cartoonish pins and headed out to the trail, where I turned on my music and the C25K app and began to jog.

Almost immediately I felt a stabbing pain in my hip; the second I started running (not during the walk, mind you), the safety pins had come unhinged.

They hadn't broken, they hadn't bent. They had literally unhinged as though a ghost hand had reached down and gone "NOPE," applied dextrous pressure and moved the pin part out of the catch. They had one job to do, and they failed, and my frazzled brain was CONVINCED they were doing it on purpose. I reiterate: safety pins.

I kept grabbing at my pants and trying to re-pin them as I ran (because if I stopped running I'd have to start the workout over), and it was fruitless. They wouldn't stay pinned. And then my phone fell out of my pocket and smacked on the ground and ripped the headphones out of my ears. And then my shoe came untied. And then and then and then...

I stopped and restarted that run three times. Finally when I was like "fuck it, the pants are just going to be really loose, I have to run, I HAVE TO," and they literally were falling down and were headed towards my knees, I stopped, turned off my phone, and burst into tears.

I had this ridiculous certainty in my heart that some invisible force was sabotaging me, taking the ONE THING within my control and fucking with it, so I couldn't run, ha ha, isn't it funny, you're going to be an obese fugly pachyderm failure forever, how cute that you're trying so hard, ha ha ha. And I could not talk myself out of that tree.

I said many curse words, very loudly, many times over, and was later extremely grateful that I was alone on the trail (I have not since seen any videos on YouTube featuring a crying weirdo having a mental breakdown on the Coyote Creek trail, so hopefully no one was hiding in the bushes watching me.)

Walking/ jogging back to the office while crying and saying "fuck you" to those stupid pants was the strangest experience. I later discovered that "crogging", or cry-jogging, is a very real thing and often trends on Twitter. So weird.

At my lunch break I drove to Ross and bought new workout pants (surrendering control of what size pants the store carried, which is either clown-pants-falling-down or HELLO-MR-CAMELTOE), found the least-offensive ones, drove back to the office, put them on, and completed that stupid 25-minute run. I was glad to have it finished, but still felt like I'd failed because of earlier.

Keep in mind: my pants being bigger is a GOOD thing. The whole reason I'm doing this stupid fitness thing is to lose this goddamn weight. I'm confounded that THAT was the catalyst for my brain going bye-bye.

Each day since I'm reminding myself to breathe, to be prepared, and to control what I can and work around what I can't. It's much, much harder than usual lately and I think it's just from overstimulation: craziness at work, performing in one show and rehearsing another, prepping for Christmas, everything.

Last night Panda and I got a Christmas tree (the first tree we've had since we moved into our apartment a few years ago.) He declared (for both of us) that we were going to have a stress-free evening "even if it fucking kills us," and he was right to do it. We had fun. And now we have a pretty tree, and the apartment is decorated, and we neither of us had a tantrum or an anxiety attack on the trip. He was seriously a lifesaver last night (yesterday was another harsh one at work.)

Eight more days. And I am having the biggest glass of whiskey you ever saw.

A (Very Late) Thanksgiving Rundown, and Crazy Life in General (Whole75, Day 61)

Two more weeks. Holy shit.

In other news, I completely suck at updating. There's been no spare time to do anything, even listen to audiobooks, between A Christmas Carol and the unholy circus of chaos that work has become and, now, the first few rehearsals of MoMologues...craziness. Anyway I'm really sorry I haven't posted.

Here's what our little Thanksgiving spread looked like:

Yay!

Clockwise from the duck, we have:

Simple baked mashed sweet potatoes (no chipotle peppers this year because the adobo sauce is questionable on Whole30, sorry my beloved Alton Brown!)

Crispy smashed potatoes with avocado garlic aioli (adapted for Whole30 and made with my homemade mayonnaise!)

Good Eats roasted turkey (adapted for Whole30 by omitting the brown sugar from the brine and swapping candied ginger for ground). This is hands-down the best turkey recipe ever...I've tried numerous ways over the years, and while Nom Nom Paleo's spatchcocking method looks awesome, I frankly like the look of the whole bird all trussed up and pretty on the table. The high heat at the beginning makes for yummy crispy skin, and the meat is so juicy and awesome.

Basic underturkey vegetables (purchased in bags and heated in the microwave because I am a fancy fancy lady)

Stovetop stuffing for Dave (not Whole30 so I didn't partake)

Curry roasted carrots (SO FREAKING GOOD)

We had lots of leftovers to last us the following week, and it was really nice to feast and relax and not stress out. The next day we had people over for "Slack Friday" and we watched movies and played cards for a while, which was great. Everyone brought leftovers (my friend Anthony brought a lot of beer and wine which I will definitely be enjoying this Christmas,) so our fridge has been nice and full since then!

My "smaller" jeans can now be removed without unbuttoning or zipping, which is kind of cool, but the next size down is just a squidge too tight so I've been wearing a lot of leggings and skirts...and safety pins...these last few weeks.

A Christmas Carol is going well. Opening weekend was well-received. I'm really looking forward to seeing the production stills taken by one of my favorite theatre photographers, Evelyn Huynh. This is the first time in a long time that I've felt confident and pretty in my costumes. (NOT that I didn't have nice costumes in the past!!! I've been fortunate enough to work with some incredible designers and dressers.) Especially for The Ghost of Christmas Present. I feel attractive in it. It's kind of a nice change.

The MoMologues just began rehearsals on Monday (we run late Jan-mid Feb) and I'm really excited about it. I did the show in the company's first season, when we were performing upstairs of a Spanish tapas restaurant, and it holds a lot of really fond memories for me.

And work...look, I love my day job but even the best jobs can be clownfuck insane sometimes. This is one of those times. My whole department is going to need a stiff drink when 2015 finally comes to a close.

I'm in the middle of Week 7 in my Couch to 5K! Running 25 minutes at a time, which is something I've never been able to do before. FitBit step goal has been reached every day so far, and I can absolutely do it for another 2 weeks. Some friends and I are thinking of doing a virtual Color Run at the end of the year.

I think that's it....gotta get back to the absolute craziness of life. Thanks for reading.

Two more weeks. O_O

One Month to Go (Whole75, Day 45)

It's strange to think that a Whole75 is two and a half months. For some reason that sounds like more than "75 days". Anyway, at a month and a half into this thing, I have 30 days to go. December 23rd, I'm coming for you.

Today's Couch to 5K workout wasn't too terrible. I was careful to jog and not get my speed up too much, so that the motion was sustainable for longer. I figure at this point, it's best to just get used to the rhythm of jogging for long periods of time, and then when that's doable I can work on building up my speed and distance. Perhaps this is the fundamental distance between jogging and running? I'm not sure.

I finally got new work pants. They're more form-fitting than I've worn in the past, which is a bit strange, but so far no one's looked at me in disgust or run screaming from my presence (that I know of), so I assume they're acceptable for this stage of my weight loss.

My mom wants me and Panda to have Thanksgiving dinner at her place, which is awesome, except I feel bad explaining about my food needs on the Whole75. Even the turkey preparation is important, which is why I volunteered to bring the turkey myself. I think it'll be ok (and I'll bring plenty of sides and veggies and fruit), but dining with others can sometimes be awkward on this eating plan. Especially around the holidays.

Still! My mom's cool and understands about putting health first. And we also don't have a dining room table so it makes sense to have the big meal at someone else's house. Slack Friday we can just use the coffee table and sofa, since we'll be lounging around with friends making fun of shoppers.

Which reminds me, this is a three-day workweek. Score!

Ouch. (Whole75, Day 42)

My right shoulder is all messed up and sore. I don't know what I did, but very likely I fudged it by sleeping awkwardly on it. I'm not happy with myself about it.

Today will be the final workout of Week 4 in Couch to 5K. It has me jogging at 3- and 5-minute intervals. Next week it looks like it's 5 and 5, then 5 and 8, and then on the third workout a 20-minute straight run. I don't know if I'll be able to do that, but I'm going to try. Heh...I fully admit that I'm doing this training not to become a runner but to lose weight. If I become healthier and more coordinated, and develop better stamina/ balance/ clarity in the process, awesome. But I'm hoping somewhere in all the plodding and bouncing I can get rid of some of this extra chub that has sat around on me too long.

Food's been fine. A little boring, but fine. I've been too busy to get really creative with food lately so it's been a lot of the same stuff I usually have. I did go grocery shopping after writing my last entry, and while I got home late it was worth it to have the cupboards full again (and have our Thanksgiving turkey in the freezer.)

Work has been a particular sort of stressful this week. I've been doing a lot of copy writing, which I love and which I think I'm good at. However, I am learning the hard way that you can't be too sensitive (or too attached to your work) in this job. Something I write that I love (and that my manager and her impossible-to-please boss also like), gets to the third or fourth level of review and someone shoots it down simply because they don't like it. No constructive feedback, no explanation of why something that matches every criteria they asked for is unacceptable. "It needs more Stimulus." "It lacks the Delight in the product." This tells me nothing of how you want it to read. Telling me you want it to have more zip and zazz, when you have absolutely no idea how to explain the product yourself, makes me think you probably want a bolder font and perhaps more exclamation points.

Having to replace or amend my own work with the work of others who outrank me (and whose prose, I arrogantly think, aren't as effective) is really hard. It's especially hard with vendors (internal and external) for whom English is a second language...I feel like I have a good understanding of how to construct a sentence, a paragraph, a page, and then I'm asked to write "We are proud to have such beautiful hotels! And you know what! The best part is we are giving away a trip!" :-/

It's been, as I said on Twitter, a Week of Mondays. I'm thankful it's Friday and I don't have to work this weekend (with the exception of a single house-managing shift at the Fox on Saturday, but I can handle that without issue.) Tonight I claimed off from rehearsal - I'm seeing Panda's opening night of Man of La Mancha.

33 more days until I weigh myself and find out if this extended eating plan, and actually exercising every day, has paid off in the way I want to.

My lowest recorded weight when I was on Atkins in college was 160. The goal for this Whole75 is 170, and I hope to hit 150 in the coming year.

To be honest, looking at my body now I think I could probably build some muscle, improve my shape and get down lower than 150 (based on my frame and whatnot.) But I'll reevaluate that when I get to it.

My skin (not the skin on my face) is starting to show signs of weight loss. This is both good and bad. Good in that I know I'm losing some stubborn fat...bad because it's getting itchy and irritated and it looks really strange. I have lotion that I use that's supposed to work for pregnant ladies (firming up the skin on their tummies postpartum), but I don't know how well it'll work on someone whose tummy has been so big for ten years as opposed to nine months.

It's worth a shot, I guess. And I like the smell of cocoa butter, especially when I can't have chocolate.

33 more days.

Ups and Downs (Whole75, Day 39)

I seriously thought I'd written another entry yesterday, but it's been over a week. Maybe I should schedule a weekly post or something just to keep me on my toes.

Work stress is about the same – lots of things going on, which on the one hand makes me feel secure that no matter how stressed out folks get, they won’t up and fire me, but on the other hand, there’s a lot of pressure and mounting to-dos. A coworker whom I’d really liked resigned the other day for personal reasons, which leaves our already small department with even more catch-up to do. On the plus side, I am writing a lot more, and growing ever more skilled in my interactions with high level clients who sometimes deserve a swift kick in the butt more than my patient assistance. For the most part people are pretty cool and I’m learning more about our products, destinations, and vendors each day. I’m seriously jonesing for a nice long vacation (weird, huh, since I stare at pictures of luxury hotels all day). Hopefully, early next year, I’ll be able to start traveling more in earnest. At any rate, we’re going to Disneyland in February and I’m excited about that.

A Christmas Carol is still chugging along. Tonight we’re blocking the final scene (the Fezziwig dance) and then the whole thing will be blocked and ready for cleaning. I’m off-book (having had the advantage of playing most of these roles last year) and watching with interest how things differ from last season. It’s a fun production and I think it’ll be a good one this year, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss last year’s cast.

Yesterday I completed the first of three Couch to 5K workouts for Week 4, and as you can imagine this is the most challenging setup yet. Running for 5 straight minutes a pop doesn’t sound like much, but it certainly feels like a lot. Yesterday was the first time since beginning this challenge that I actually had thoughts, while I was running, about whether or not I’d need to slow up and walk during a “jog” section. But, thankfully, I didn’t, and completed the workout (while breathing quite heavily and sweating in a most unladylike manner, because whatever, I’m awesome.)

Food is still going fine, just boring. Our cupboards are nearly bare (Panda’s in tech this week for Man of La Mancha and I’ve been going straight from work to rehearsals and not getting home until after 10), so this morning I discovered we were out of eggs and decided, well, tonight’s going to be a late night grocery run.

Which is going to seriously suck, but it’s necessary. Especially since Thanksgiving’s just around the corner and I can’t exactly make a dinner (let alone a Whole30-appropriate one) out of the 2 remaining dill pickles and leftover chicken drumsticks I have in my fridge.
That’s right, I’ll be making us a Whole30-friendly spread since I’m still on this thing for the long haul (but…as I’ve said about a thousand times…Christmas Eve will be my first day off and it’s going to RULE.) I’m thinking I should post my recipes on here of the things I make. Readership’s not so huge that social contract mandates it, but it’ll be a nice way for me to remember what I did to keep things both healthy and delicious during the holidays. And if people reading enjoy and take some recipes for themselves, so much the better! I get to feel helpful and famous. Win-win.

Today is a walking day (thank goodness), so I’m about to head out with my sunglasses and my audiobook and get some steps in. 40 days and counting at 10,000 steps or more – today will be Day 41.

There is a very real chance I will hit my steps goal for every day of this Whole75. I *just* realized I’m over halfway there, both in food and exercise. I do have a specific goal in mind I’d like to see on the scale on Day 76…but even if that number doesn’t come up, I will be very proud of myself for sticking to good habits for this long. It’s the longest I’ve ever gone being healthy. And that’s something to be proud of. *pats self on back*

Don't Cry For Me (Whole75, Day 31)

Welps, I've completed a Whole30's worth of...Whole30, and I'm feeling pretty good. My clothes are feeling looser and even my skin (which is still problematic) isn't as nasty as it has been in the past. Because we're finally (FINALLY) getting some moisture in the air here in drought-plagued California, my hair has gone completely insane, but I'll take that if it means we get some more rain.

I am also very glad to say that I have kept up with the FitBit goals, and have completed 10,000 or more steps for 32 straight days (today will be day 33). AND, I've completed two weeks of training on the Couch to 5K app (today will begin Week 3, which gets significantly more challenging.)

I will need to hit up a Ross or a TJ Maxx for a couple of pieces of "business attire" for this phase of things. Right now I have no work pants, so I've been wearing skirts and dresses (and jeans on Fridays), and with the weather cooling down it makes dress-wearing more challenging. I don't plan on staying this size for very long, so I don't want to spend too much money, but I'd like not to look quite so frumpy at work on a day to day basis.

Evita opened this weekend, and audiences seemed to enjoy it. It's a concept-heavy production, so people unfamiliar with the (true) story of the Perons or the original materials by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice were a little lost, but the performances were good and I was proud of the work people were doing onstage and off. Because I was the director's assistant and he's handed off the show to the SM and MD, my responsibilities are all done, but I'll likely see it another time or two as the run continues. It's cool to watch how shows evolve a bit after they've been in front of an audience for a while (and the performers and musicians become more confident, and little kinks get worked out).

Rehearsals for A Christmas Carol are now in full swing, and I return tonight for continued blocking and awesomeness. I really love this play and am excited to see how the production this year will differ from last year. I did hint (heavily) to the costume mistress that I really loved the red velvet dress I got to wear last year, and she hinted (offhand) that she may be able to take it in so I can wear it again. We shall see.

Panda is on Day 29 of a Whole30, himself! I'm really proud of him; he stuck to it even in the face of some pretty major temptations and has come on a bunch of walks with me, and is considering doing more WholeSomethings for himself in the future. Granted, he talks a lot about all the delicious junk food he's going to enjoy in a few days, but I do that too when I'm near the finish line. ;-) I'll still be on this Whole75 during Thanksgiving, but will be off by Christmas, so I'll enjoy pie and cookies then. Thanksgiving will be about the turkey and yummy vegetables and spending time together. And then sitting around in our PJs on "Black Friday" while crazy people go shopping (have seriously NEVER understood that phenomenon) and watching A Charlie Brown Christmas.

It's starting to get darker, earlier! Between that and the silvery/ rainy/ thundery weather, my spirits are lifting significantly. The vegetables may also be helping my moods, but I like to think it's just the world getting a little colder and spookier towards the end of the year. :-)

Happy Monday.