Insane-ness (Whole70, Day 25)

Everything's flying around and on fire but I'm trying to stay centered. Having control over food is helping a little. This new FitBit thing is also encouraging, buzzing to remind me to get up and walk (which clears my head) every hour.

It took a little while to start to see weirdness in my skin, but I think after about 14-15 days was when I really noticed it changing. It's not super dry yet but it's different...the texture went from regular bad skin, to sandpaper-gross skin, to now just...I don't know how to describe it except "gross purging skin." Sorry if that's too much information.

My lips are the only thing that are really dry, but thankfully I haven't had peeling or cracking to any serious degree because I have been religious about applying lip balm.

My dermatologist introduced me to tinted sunscreen, which is THE BEST EVER. Even driving the 20 minutes to work in the morning, without sunscreen, now earns me a bright pink burn on my face and neck. Ugh.

In other (food) news, I bought groceries last night (but it was too hot to cook), and tonight I'll be batching:

• Cottage pie with mashed cauliflower (this one's in regular rotation; super yummy and the recipe makes a ton)
• Bacon (for breakfasts, and in order to reserve the grease for other cooking)
• Chicken and Brussels sprouts
• Braised kale and carrots
• Roasted carrots with curry spices (I have a lot of carrots to get through)
• ..................I can't remember the other thing but I bought supplies for at least one other thing.

I've also been trying to eat sauerkraut on a regular basis (not a ton of it, just a bit) in order to get the probiotic benefits. I'd been taking probiotic supplements on my doctor's advice, but they're expensive and pretty much everything I read says food sources are much more effective. So we shall see. No yogurt on Whole70 but in the past that has helped too, so maybe when I'm off-plan I'll incorporate some yogurt and see how I feel.

So much going on. I could really use some of that legendary energy and vim and vigor that people talk about on these things. >.< Grrr...

Where is this Fatigue Coming From? (Whole70, Day 4)

So...

I've been feeling a bit dead on my feet lately. Not sure if it's because of girl time, because of sugar withdrawal from going back on-plan, from more physical exertion, or from the iso (it feels weird to use a defunct brand name, so instead of "Accutane" or "isotretinoin" I'll just call it "iso" and hope it catches on. I'm hip like that).

It may also be the depression. I don't quite go Melancholia-level catatonic, but I've been in and out of these periodic dips often enough to recognize when my body and mind just want to hide in a blanket fort, turn off my phone, and dream of faraway adventures.

Speaking of which, my dreams have been very strange lately. I can only remember little bits and pieces, but I wake up going "omigod that was insane" and watching the images recede into my subconscious as though into a black hole, so that by the time I find a pen to write down what I'd been dreaming it's completely gone and I'm left with a confused and frustrated...aftertaste. I'm sure there's a better word than that, but I hope you'll forgive me: I'm exhausted.

As far as the iso goes, I haven't really noticed any changes in the first four days. I've been babying my face with moisturizer and heavy-duty lip balm, but it looks and feels the same as it usually does (maybe a BIT more flakey? It's been dry for a long time...). It's probably because this introductory dose is so low. It'll likely get bumped up to nuclear levels in the coming months.

It is very good I'm back on plan...in the last few weeks I'd noticed that I was tending to drink more and more booze when going out with friends (and even when home by myself before bed)...and my tolerance is pretty low anyway, so the shame and "oh GOD what stupid thing have I gone and said now" were raging. I'm off booze for Whole70, but also likely for the duration of the iso, because apparently it lowers your tolerance...and when a single cocktail renders me Zelda Fitzgerald, I'm guessing I should just not touch the stuff while my liver's processing all this Vitamin A. Just a hunch.

I need a blanket fort.

A Single Step (Whole70, Day 1)

Well, I've started (again) and I'm glad to be back on a plan.

I went to my 6AM boot camp class (even though I really, really didn't want to, haha). I took my first isotretinoin pill at 8AM and am anxiously awaiting the dry, chapped skin and cracked lips that everyone has warned me will plague me for the first few weeks. I ate my eggs and avocados, drank my black coffee, and have my chicken and Brussels sprouts (and plantain chips) packed for lunch.

Tonight I'll be doing laundry and cleaning, and setting aside (or tossing) a bunch of face products I can no longer use.

It's 9:30 and I'm already ready to go back to bed, haha. Oh! And it's day one of Girl Time (tmi...sorry) so there's that too.

It's just a big heaping helping of DAY ONE today. But I'm here. I'm still here.

Roaring Back (Whole70, Day -2)

Hello *waves* remember me?

So much has happened. Life has been upside-down, inside-out and completely fantastic and frightening and wonderful and scary and sad and ...just insane. Absolutely insane.

I have spent 2018 so far not being on a WholeSomething, with the exception of January's traditional Whole30. And it hasn't gone very well. While in general I make healthier choices, the lack of structure has been discouraging and I haven't been great about food, exercise, or (cringe) alcohol. I've definitely overdone it (and enjoyed it immensely) but I know it's not doing me any favors. Some pounds have crept back on, and I already had a lot left to lose.

So I'm getting serious again and making plans, and batch-cooking, and setting up a brand-new FitBit Versa, and setting more goals.

The structure works best for me. I want another transformation. So I'm going to make this happen, and a big part of that is keeping myself honest and writing about it here.

In the last few months, I have gone through some...adventures. But the highlights are:

• Performed in The Laramie Project, one of the two best things I've ever had the privilege to do
• Performed in Distracted, the other one of the two best things. We close tomorrow and it's going to break my heart into pieces when it's over
• Which is why I'm planning to throw myself back into my health and fitness
• Ended my long-term relationship with my boyfriend of eight years (nothing terrible or melodramatic; we've grown apart, I still love him and want the very best for him and want to be his friend and have him in my life)
• Put myself out there for a lot more auditions (which is continuing...)

Beginning on Monday, I will be:

• Starting a Whole70 (I know...it's a long one; basically it'll be 71 days until my 34th birthday so I'll give myself the option to cut loose that day and have cake and Champagne, but the name of the game here is consistency and self-care. And I want results, which takes a big commitment)
• Beginning isotretinoin (aka Accutane). I've been seeing a dermatologist I really like and have been through numerous prescription treatments for my moderate, up-and-down acne since my teens. This is the big guns, and I'm excited and a little anxious
• Exercising (here's where the FitBit will help.) I'm taking classes three days a week, boot-camp-style high intensity interval training. Two days a week I will start running again, since cardio is most necessary to lose as much extra weight as I'd like to (but of course I want to build some stronger muscles and keep my bones safe, hence the HIIT classes). I'm considering using the 5K to 10K app again just to have structure for it, but that would be three days a week of running (thus six days a week of exercising). I don't know how sustainable that would be, but for 70 days I think I could do it. Otherwise, I'll just do a 20-30 minute run, twice a week.
• I only have one more week on my pass for the boot camp class I'm taking now, but I'm going to see about getting another Groupon for a different class or possibly finding a different option at the gym where I'm a member
• Writing. This has helped me a lot, to see progress and vent and all that crazy stuff
• Packing, purging, and organizing (because since the break up, I need to find a new place to live. Which will be an adventure and probably a lot of stress and heartache, because Bay Area housing is fucking insane...)

Which means this weekend, I am:

• Having my last mini-spa-day for a while (can't exfoliate or use face masks on Accutane)
• Eating a few treats (nothing crazy) and possibly having a Manhattan or two
• Closing this play
• Batch-cooking Whole30-friendly foods for the upcoming week or so
• Cottage pie (with mashed cauliflower)
• Crispy chicken with Brussels sprouts
• Braised kale and carrots
• Mexican beef
• Beginning to memorize lines for Much Ado About Nothing (rehearsals begin mid-June and I'll be playing Ursula)
• Getting my head in the game, psyching myself up, and assorted other things

I'm posting here, for myself (and anyone else who might still actually read this thing - thank you!) in order to give myself some additional accountability and motivation.

The name of the game is transformation, and growth. And self-love. This bitch is coming roaring back.

The Delicate Art of Scheduling (Whole30, Day 22)

I'm glad to report I've kept up with the running, *and* was able to work out a training schedule that would allow me to finish the 5K to 10K program a couple of days before the Turkey Trot (10K), and the 13.1 program the week prior to the Fairy Tale Challenge in February (10K and Half Marathon).

It occurred to me today that while it's embarrassing to walk around my office in my dorky-looking running gear (I do this as little as possible; I change in the restroom, drop my stuff at my desk and FLEE out the door to go run, then return to my desk, grab my bag as quickly as possible, book it to the tiny shower room to wash and change), I am grateful to have midday runs as an option. To make it work with my hourly schedule for my fulltime day job, I bring my lunches to work (Whole30 batch cooking, yay) and eat at my desk, then during my lunch "break" I go for my runs on the trail behind the building. The benefit of having the trail, and a private shower, is a huge plus for me when there's no other time I could build this in.

Tonight my mom and younger brother return from a trip to Disneyland. They live in the house where I grew up, about 20 minutes from my apartment. While they were out of town, my mom had asked me to look after her four cats and bring in the mail...and when she asked me my blood pressure skyrocketed. Not because it was an out-of-line request (I've watched her animals dozens of times), but because when you have so little free time, a small task can eat up almost all of it.

To put this in perspective, my days this week have included:

• Checking on mom's house/ cats in the morning
• Work
• Running training
• More work
• Rehearsal

It doesn't sound like *too* much, unless you factor in the commute times. It's a 15-20 minute drive to my mom's house from mine in the morning, depending on traffic. Work is a half hour in the opposite direction, so I tacked more time onto my morning commute. Thank goodness I don't have to travel anywhere in order to get my exercise in. Commuting to rehearsal involves picking up my bf at the lightrail station (his car is out of commission at the moment) and then driving another half hour down to Gilroy for rehearsal. We typically get out of there about 9:30PM and it takes almost an hour to drive home (and that's if we don't have to stop anywhere on the way.)

It would be very, very easy for me to get overwhelmed, throw my hands in the air and say "fuck it" and cut the workout and Whole30 out of my plans for the day since they take up way too much additional time and are a pain in the ass to manage. But in this (increasingly) batshit crazy world I inhabit, my workouts and my eating are two of the (minute) few things I control. So I want to take control, and I want to take ownership, and I want to take care of myself. So I schedule.

I batch-cook my meals, which isn't glamorous and involves me eating almost all my meals out of 10-year-old plastic dishware that I think came with lunchmeat a lifetime ago. I pack my running bag, including shower essentials, the night before so I don't have the "I'm in a rush" excuse in the morning. Having the running training apps with the built-in calendars helps immensely, not only to see progress but to help plan for specific events like the Turkey Trot and Fairy Tale Challenge.

Today I got an email from my cousin (a friend and fellow theatre/ film enthusiast, with whom I'm working on a series of short films called Moments in Shakespeare). He was distributing information about an upcoming shoot we're doing, for a scene from Two Gentlemen of Verona, and thank goodness he was flexible with my schedule because I literally have at least one thing in my calendar, every day, from now until mid-November (and a pretty full slate after that, as well). It'll also be Day 1 of my next Whole25 (following the one-day break I'm taking after my current Whole30 - my friend's birthday celebration involves visiting several dairies a couple hours' north of us and I'll be damned if I'm visiting cows and buffalos and NOT sampling cheese).

I also nearly cried when I saw the preliminary schedule for The Laramie Project, which the stage manager sent us in the middle of last week. Rehearsals begin while Inspecting Carol is still in performances, which means I'll be going from Saturday evening shows in Gilroy to Sunday blocking rehearsals in Palo Alto (which can be 6-8 hours long!). I love rehearsal, and blocking, and all that theatre nerdy shit. I couldn't figure out why I was so anxious and frustrated and I believe it was because the scheduling didn't "work out" perfectly on its own. It needed finagling and work (from me). Sometimes I have conflicts. Sometimes I'm double-booked and have to cancel one thing over the other.

Sometimes I don't get the day off I want, to lounge around in my underwear and drink Tejava and read comic books with my cats. Sometimes those days are filled with rehearsals or extra work. Sometimes I have to spend those days buying groceries, and cooking a week's worth of chicken and vegetables.

It'll be in flux for a while (and with the holidays approaching I recognize that my anxiety's going to be more kinetic than usual.) After The Laramie Project closes, I'll have a week off, then several days in Florida including the 10K and half marathon, then the literal day after the half (and my mom's birthday!) is our projected start date for rehearsals for Distracted.

Oh, I may have forgotten to mention Distracted. I'm excited and seriously stunned to have landed the role of Mama, and at a company where I haven't worked before to boot. I imagine it'll be especially challenging going from one deep dark emotional place with Laramie to a completely different (but still heartbreaking) one with Distracted. That runs through the beginning of May.

Lots and lots and lots of things. Scheduling (and having one calendar to which I refer) helps me immensely.

The Strapless Bra Conundrum (Whole30, Day 19)

I am feeling a little better today. My lunchtime run was 35 minutes, which felt too long for comfort but I was able to run (read: jog, and/ or fall forward swiftly) for the whole time, and I survived.

I wore the same offending running pants from my last post, but this time I wore simple solid-color underwear so as not to attract too much attention to my butt, which was already ...erm... conspicuous in the too-snug pants. But hey, I can't afford more pairs of running pants so I have to make do with what I have.

Today's lunch is this amazing Cajun chicken recipe, but with Brussels sprouts instead of potatoes. I've made it with potatoes before and it's super yummy, but my friend Jennifer recommended trying it with sprouts instead of starch and she was bang on - it's an awesome complementary veggie without the extra carbohydrates, and hopefully it'll serve me better in the weight-loss game.

Speaking of which, I've been pondering a post-weight loss issue and wondering if other ladies have experienced the same thing. I tend to lose weight much more easily from my top half than from my bottom half, so one of the first places I notice visible size changes is my chest/ boob area (while my thighs, butt, and lower belly are stubbornly slow to change). For this reason, I've gone from a 40G down to a 34D in the last few years. It's typically not a problem to find regular bras that fit (Wachoal is my favorite; super comfy and supportive and durable) but strapless bras? Forget it. I had to buy one this weekend for a dress I wore to an event on Sunday (and I'm wearing it again today under an off-the-shoulder shirt I've loved since college), and finding one that fit properly and felt like it was going to stay on, was a PROJECT. I think a big part of this is that my breasts aren't as "full" as they used to be. :-( Now they're still big, just...empty? Is that the word? They have no lift to them at all. They're...like...long. :-/ A strapless bra has to do ten times as much work just to keep them "afloat" without over-the-shoulder straps. I have grown accustomed to the idea that I have the stomach of a thousand-year-old crone, what with all the extra skin and wrinkles and stretch marks, but I was really hoping I could have age-appropriate boobs for most of my 30s. I'm 33, I shouldn't look like The Pale Man from El Laberinto when I get undressed.

...sorry if the above was TMI. Heh. But not really.

(Barely) Better than Nothing (Whole30, Day 16)

I feel unhinged, unglued, and undone. Anxiety and stress have been very high with me, yesterday and today, and last night I had a pretty bad attack that left me feeling pretty much dead (and looking like a sick frog) this morning.

Then again, it's Friday the 13th. Which could also explain the ridiculously bad run I had today. I had to slow to a walk at several "jog" intervals, which ...I can't even remember the last time I've had to do that. Plus my water bottle messed up my tube belt, which rode up uncomfortably, and (the coup de grâce): my running capris were pretty much translucent, so the pattern of my underwear was clearly visible on my ass. So naturally, of fucking course, there were more people fucking wandering the trail than I have ever seen in my life before. Including one massive beefy dude who rode by me on a motorized bike (not quite a moped...no idea what it's called. The point is, he did not exist until today when my underwear was visible).

I ran (sort of), anyway. I'm at the point where the one and only thing I can control is my own behavior, so even if I didn't run or jog the whole time, I had to finish the damn workout. Which I did. And I felt (and still feel) like garbage. But I think I feel better than I would have, had I quit and turned around or simply not gone out on the trail at all.

I wonder if anyone else finds themselves more superstitious (and semi-religious, even) when their anxiety goes this insane. I feel like I can't be the only one.

Fall is in Full Swing (Whole30, Day 12)

I've finally started running again. I feel like death tripping over LEGOs but I'm out and moving and whatever again, so yay me.

I've also rewritten my calendar in terms of WholeSomethings for the end of the year. More on that in a moment.

I found over the last few weeks that, even though I was sticking to the eating plan, I was regaining a lot of weight and pudge at what felt like an alarming rate. A few things should be noted:

• I was not exercising
• I was very likely going overboard on things like potatoes and more sugary fruits, which are not necessarily unwholesome but which tend to hang up my weight loss efforts
• I was extremely tired, stressed out, and depressed from a number of factors, not the least of which were work and money and the whole world dying in a dumpster fire of chaos

I tend to take comfort in things I can control. I hate feeling impotent or helpless. The serenity prayer has been recommended to me a hundred jillion times, and I can see the wisdom in it, although it doesn't help me much in that I am 1. a devout atheist and 2. very un-accepting of shitty things outside of my control. An old therapist of mine (I can't remember if I've blogged about this before) pointed out that I would go into full-on crying panic mode about things completely outside of my control, while ignoring things *within* my control, like my eating and exercise habits, my money, etc.

So these past couple of weeks I've tried to wrench a few things back into place, as much as my mind and heart (and especially my body) were reluctant to do so. 

I signed up for the Turkey Trot again (10K, same one as last year), which kind of forced me to get back into running training. I'm very behind on this but (as I've told myself many times in the last couple of days) at least I'm doing it now, and that's better than nothing. 

I planned more meals and batch-cooked again, this time focusing on vegetables other than potatoes and even sweet potatoes (I love both of these beautiful starches but I'm really hoping to lose a little of my puffiness at the moment...I feel like I'm allergic to something and my whole body is having a weird histamine reaction.) Today's lunch consisted of braised kale and carrots, and sausage and peppers (I roasted onions and peppers in the oven and ...why have I not been doing that for years, it's so freaking good). Dinner will be spaghetti squash with spicy sauce, on the way to rehearsal.

I restarted (in fits and spurts, but I started) my 5K to 10K running program. Lately my favorite running playlist has been a mix of different swing standards, and swing covers of contemporary songs. Swing Republic is awesome. It makes me wish I knew how to Charleston, and conjures images of awesome vintage costumes and makeup.

I've been better about making lists, particularly involving a morning and evening routine, and:

I rewrote my calendar for the last few months of the year to include shorter WholeSomethings and shorter periods off-plan, in the hopes of finding a better balance. For example, at the end of this Whole30 I will have one day off to celebrate my friend's birthday by touring a few dairies and sampling different gourmet cheeses, then it's back on for a Whole25.

A few cool things have happened in theatre news, as well: My lovely friend Jennifer and I went on our second semiannual trip to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival and saw the remainder of their 11-show season. It was splendid and I can't wait for next year (I reupped, and upgraded, my membership to take advantage of their presale again). I was cast in another show for early 2018, which (if you include Inspecting Carol) books me from now through early May. More details on the new show to come soon. And we've started rehearsals for IC, which opens late this month and which I think will be really fun--if we can survive the rehearsal process with that many people in the tiny Gilroy Center for the Arts. :-)

I guess that's it for today. Still learning. Always learning.

Intolerant (Whole60, Day 1)

In the five days I was off-plan for my birthday, if the scale is to be believed, I gained 10 lbs and several inches (basically, everything I'd lost in 2.5 months of self-deprivation. In five days.) Sometimes I feel like my body is a separate being, with a sick and twisted villainous fucking desire to see me fail. I try very hard to love it, but sometimes I'm like "maybe love be back, motherfucker?"...

On Friday evening (the 14th), some members of the cast went to Jake's (an awesome pizza joint) to hang out and eat junk food. While I sipped my Crispin honey cider and waited on my pepperoni pizza, I chatted with Ron and Barb (the actors playing Mycroft Holmes and Mrs. Hudson, respectively) and being prompted I told them a little about Whole30 and the restrictions it placed on my normal way of eating. Ron mentioned that those kinds of diets worried him; he believes that if you completely cut out an element of food, that you can actually develop an intolerance to it. That your body can "forget" how to process it. That idea fascinated me, and I'd already noticed that my alcohol tolerance has gone waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy down given that I now drink so infrequently.

Perhaps it was psychosomatic because his words struck a chord with me, or maybe he was 100% correct - because in the past five days it seemed like every "treat" food I ate made me feel sick. Even though I was (by my own standards) pretty restrained, I felt as though I'd spent twelve hours binge-drinking (after having two small whiskey cocktails) or eaten an entire wedding cake (after eating three homemade chocolate chip cookies.) It seemed like dairy was the worst for me, stomach-wise, but honestly the alcohol felt like poison within a few minutes of consuming it.

On the one hand, I suppose this could be a good thing. My body doesn't "want" foods that are potentially bad for me (even though my brain and my mouth certainly do). On the other hand, I can't help feeling a bit cheated. I trained myself to eat wholesome nutritious foods the vast majority of the time, and in return I can no longer physically enjoy a treat when I allow myself the indulgence. What the fuck?

I have been stressed out with rehearsals and work lately. I couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning to work out (next week I have my evenings off from rehearsals, which will make it easier to exercise. I just...yeah I'm in no fucking mood to do anything lately.) I'm glad to be back on-plan, and I batch-cooked a bunch of basic Whole60 meals yesterday so I could be prepared. Today's lunch and dinner is curried cream of broccoli soup and spaghetti squash with spicy sauce.

Part of this frustration is likely sugar withdrawal. But some of it, I think, is genuine disappointment. The catch to "succeeding" at a plan like this means never going back on it, even for a day or two. If five days of relaxing can reverse the results of SEVENTY-FIVE DAYS of diligence? Fucking hell, dude.

And so begins another two months.

Eaten Alive (Whole75, Day 74)

I know I say this every time. I suck at updating this thing. I'm sorry.

Tomorrow I'll have completed 75 days on the eating plan, and I'll have five glorious days off to eat whatever (and celebrate my 33rd birthday). Then Whole60 begins on Wednesday the 19th.

I don't know if any actual weight has come off during this long stretch because (and I'm ashamed to say this) I haven't exercised. Like, at all. For the past two and a half months. FML. I've re-downloaded the 5K to 10K app on my phone and I'll begin it on Wednesday when I kick off Whole60. I need to be real about training again, since I signed up for another Half Marathon in February (as well as a 10K...the Fairy Tale Challenge at Disney World...holy cats what was I thinking...)

Sherlock Holmes rehearsals have been moving quickly and we're already at the park (this Thursday is our designer runthru, and we open on August 4th). I'm really enjoying this play and I'm proud of the work I'm doing onstage. I think the production will turn out pretty well...and to be honest my own part is pretty low-stress on this one. I'm getting some really excellent insightful help on both my acting and my dialect work, for which I'm really grateful. The one nasty thing is, as always, the vicious parasites that haunt the park. I douse myself in bug repellent and have taken to wearing bug bracelets on my wrists and ankles, and that helps, but I still have a few really painful and itchy bites which I sport from the last couple of weeks of rehearsals. Ugh.

I bought new character shoes for the role (I didn't have any tan-colored ones, just my trusty black ones I've had since high school.) I'm really glad I didn't spend too much, though...already they're pretty much destroyed. Sanborn Park eats shoes hahaha...I learned that last summer when I purchased my new Doc Martens for Julius Caesar. Lucky for me, Docs are incredibly sturdy and easy to clean and care for. But MAN did they get dusty and dirty and scuffed.

I've been wearing characters shoes and a rehearsal skirt for all of our rehearsals, and only recently busted out the high-quality tights (prior to that I was just using the nylon knee-high granny stockings TRY TO CONTAIN YOURSELVES GENTLEMEN I KNOW IT'S A VERY SEXY IMAGE). Man I'd forgotten how much of a difference shapewear can make. It's also a real wake-up that I need to get serious about exercise again. And I'm sure it'll make me feel better overall, brain, heart, and body-wise.

It's really, really strange for me to be playing a "pretty" character. As stupid as this sounds, I have a nagging feeling that people are going to laugh. Or worse, that they're going to view my casting as a weird act of charity or goodwill on the part of the company. ...I know it's stupid. It won't stop nagging, though.

Speaking of which, CTC is officially closing (I heard a couple of months ago but they just confirmed it today). I feel truly awful for a few specific people, and very sad that the Conservatory program is ending because those were some of the best times of my childhood, growing up as a theatre kid.

In other news, I received an offer for The Laramie Project which is going up early next year, at a company where I've never worked before. I'm excited and a little overwhelmed, particularly because I still don't know which part(s) I'll be reading. I'm hoping very much for Reggie Fluty, but I'll be glad to play any role in it.

I campaigned hard to get into the reading room for Merchant of Venice at a very difficult to get into (read: hermetically-sealed) company in SJ...but haven't heard back so I think I may need to cut that heartstring loose. I heard from a few people that they were building their casts all at once, and very far in advance (it's becoming much more common to do so), so I think it's probably concluded by now. Ah well. Onwards and upwards I guess.

I feel all scrambled and in pieces. But I'm trying. And I'll continue to try.

Spaghetti squash for lunch today and spicy chicken for dinner. Batch-cooking is my friend. But you bet your ass I'm making chocolate chip cookies this weekend.

Stagnant (Whole50, Day 31)

If I'd opted for a Whole30 or Mostly30, I'd be done by now. Heh.

I haven't properly exercised in too long and it's taking a toll on my mental health (and probably my physical health as well). The 48Hour Film Project is this weekend and I hope I get cast in my team's project again...but I feel pretty gross and unfilmable at the moment, particularly because of a nasty blemish on my face, right by my eye (where my sunglasses usually touch.) URGH.

I got my Mirena (IUS) removed a week ago Monday, and while the transition hasn't been as horrific as I'd feared, it is pretty weird, the hormonal changes. Don't know if I'll eventually get a new one placed or if I'll try something else. I'm hopeful it'll have a positive (or at least NOT have a negative) effect on my skin and my weight.

... don't know what else to write, really, today. I know I'm behind on so many items, including races, recipes, the thing where I'm not straightening my hair anymore and now it's gigantic and floofy...

Nothing is happening and I'm still overwhelmed. It's strange.

Anyway, happy Wednesday.

Basically Everything You Do Is Wrong and Also #%*$^% You (Whole50, Day 24)

Gird your loins. I have to get this off my fucking chest.

So yesterday being Tuesday, I posted the following photo-thingy on Instagram and cross-posted it to Facebook and Twitter:

It's #TransformationTuesday! Enjoy a couple of side-by-side shots from the last few years (and bonus photobomb by Hector 🐱) It's an ongoing adventure and it has its ups and downs, but I'm proud of how far I've come and every day I'm inspired (by all of YOU) to keep working and stay strong! Don't give up on yourselves. #FitFam #weightloss #Whole30 #fitnessjourney #beforeandafter #beforeandafterweightloss (Side note: this isn't really AFTER. This is DURING.) 😉💖

A post shared by Dana Morgan (@danacordelia) on Mar 28, 2017 at 3:38pm PDT

In general it's gotten lots of positive attention, which made me smile, and some people even said they were trying Whole30-style eating because they'd seen me have success with it. So, that felt good.

Then I got a private Facebook message.

There's a woman with whom I have a ton of mutual (theatre) friends, who is very active on social media and I have read and enjoyed her musings before. She struck me as a very body-positive, girl-power, geeky feminist so that made me happy. A while back we had an encounter where I posted a before-and-after photo and she immediately posted on her wall an open letter to "someone" where they could get off, for apparently posting an after photo that asserted that fat women were gross and worthless. Did I mention this woman is a plus-size beautiful woman? IT SHOULDN'T MATTER, but she is.

I responded at the time by posting this on my wall:

TL;DR I don't hate fat people, myself included, and you're stupid for jumping to that conclusion.

I think it's pretty clear, actually. And I know she read (or at least skimmed) it, because she replied to it in the comments.

So yesterday I get a series of Facebook messages, jumping off with the fact that she saw my before-and-after photos pop up right under a post from "an awesome black feminist" decrying the damaging effects of weight-loss culture. And she went on from there. 

FIRST. OF. ALL. That order of posts in your newsfeed is a combination of coincidence, dumb luck, and Facebook's advertising algorithms. I did not attempt to sabotage the feminist post I knew nothing about.

SECOND, if you read the next under the fucking photo collage (or next to it, in the case of Facebook) you will see NOTHING negative. I talk about strength, fitness, etc. but I don't use words like "fat" or "thin" because that's all relative anyway (I've lost weight, sure, but I'M STILL FAT NOW, YOU FUCKING MORON, and I still struggle with both cosmetic and health-related issues having to do with my weight.)

THIRD: you are not interested in changing my mind, you are not interested in educating me, you are not interested in making Facebook a safer place EVEN FOR YOURSELF (or you would have clicked away from my post and not said a fucking word.) You wanted to knock me off my happy perch. You saw a positive post full of smiley faces that was getting attention from people you knew, and you wanted to wipe the smile off my face. 

And you know what? I've been there. I've wanted to do that, myself. And I didn't. You know why?

Because I am a goddamn motherfucking card-carrying adult, and I treat people with respect.

I have PLENTY of friends who post too much of their lives on Facebook. Sometimes I even find myself rolling my eyes when a girlfriend goes on and on (and on) about her boyfriend or her job or the new house she just bought. I get envious just like anyone else. Have I gossiped or bitched about it to my trusted friends? Of course I have, I'm human. But if a friend of mine gets engaged or pregnant or whatthefuckever and shares it on social media, I'm not going to leave her some reply (public or private) going "You know...you should really consider who you're hurting when you post things like this. There are many single people who despair of ever getting married, and you're just furthering the cultural stereotype that women need men to be complete, that they were bred to be mothers and homemakers, you're crippling femme culture, et cetera" because why on earth would someone do that, except to spread their own insecurity and bad mood around?

In our (very limited) conversation she called to attention (several times) that she is raising two little girls. She cites this often as the reason she so hates "weight-loss culture" which is...I guess...I assume she means fat-shaming and general bias towards skinny people? Which is not the same thing as people losing weight for health reasons? She is raising children.

Somehow if one of them was like "mom I want to wear these amazing shoes today because they're pretty and make me happy"... I don't picture her lecturing this child on how it contributes to the sexualization of minors, the stereotype that women are decorative, or anything like that.

Because she loves her kids and wouldn't want to kill their joy. That is the only reason she reached out to me: to stop the happy feeling I was having, and to let me know that my posting on my Facebook wall about my own accomplishment, made her feel bad inside.

Despite having nothing. WHATSOEVER. To do with her.

And you know what--I'm done. I don't have to impress people like that. That's not what fucking feminism is: feminism is supporting ALL women: fat, thin, girls who have lost weight, girls who have gained weight, girls who have lost LIMBS. Girls who love makeup, girls who never wear it. Women of all colors, all creeds, all backgrounds, and all ages. Butch girls, ultra femme girls, casual girls, glam girls, trans girls, androgynous humans who sometimes want to dress like girls, even boys who use "she" and "her", WOMEN ARE AWESOME and I'm glad to be one. Other women being women doesn't make me any less of a woman. Just like me losing weight doesn't have anything to do with this lady's weight, or whether or not she's happy with it.

I'm just gonna say it: that lady? Not a real feminist. You don't learn a few buzzwords and earn the privilege to lose your objectivity or critical thinking skills. FUCK that.

And of course...I said none of this to her. I tried a few uber-friendly smiley-face replies, (re) assuring her that I lost this weight because I want to and I don't believe anyone should make any changes to themselves unless they truly want to, etc. She kept on keeping on. Prodding and prodding. I eventually just stopped replying.

It's been bothering me for a full day and I needed to vent it out. If you made it to the end, thank you for reading. And if my losing weight bothers you or makes you feel bad, then I gotta ask: what the fuck are you doing here reading about it?!

Musing, Casting News-ing (Whole50, Day 3)

So I am a dork and forgot to mention yesterday that I heard back from the four auditions I attended for summer work. I will have a gig this summer, in the park (love), but it's absolutely not what I was expecting, and it's caused a strange combination of joy and trepidation.

You might want to get a drink and a snack, because this post is long AF.

Firstly, I heard back about LIZZIE: The Musical and was not cast in that, although the casting assistant (with whom I've worked before and who is pretty great), was complimentary and friendly. It didn't feel like a form rejection and it didn't break my heart (this was a super long shot anyway, but I would have kicked myself if I hadn't tried out for it. I did not expect a callback so I had walkaway power from the beginning.)

I felt like I was waiting on pins and needles for ages about the Shakespeare season. A week prior, I'd had a disappointing callback for Hamlet, which *did* break my heart (you know that feeling in theatre where you didn't do anything "wrong", and you worked really hard and felt like you were bringing something cool to the table, but no one noticed or cared and they were basically rushing you through to "get past" you and see the people they really wanted to see? Yeah...). I drove home crying from that callback. I knew I wasn't being considered for a major role, and at that point I thought it was pretty pie-in-the-sky to hope to get cast at all.

The callbacks for Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Suicide Club were the same day as Hamlet (and interspersed throughout the different readings, I assume in the interest of time.) Many women were called back for both shows (their Hamlet is an all-female cast) so the Sherlock director indicated he'd be watching the other reads as well so he could get an idea of people's reading abilities. No big deal. I was asked to read the two sides I'd been given in advance, and both times I read with readers (meaning, volunteers who get up and read against you but who are NOT actors being considered alongside you for casting purposes). For this reason, I assumed I was only being vaguely considered. Typically women are read alongside their male counterparts to see if they "look right" as a pair onstage. There are more women than men, so the women are generally cast to "match" the men, and not the other way around. I'm not a huge fan of it, but it happens pretty much a hundred percent of the time, so whatever. Again - I wasn't expecting anything and was happy just to read for, and be seen by, the director. They were fun scenes to read, and I knew both volunteers so we had a good time with it.

Flash forward a week to The Merry Wives of Windsor callbacks. These were much more crowded, to my surprise, which meant fewer opportunities to read and be seen. But I love the play, and of the three plays this season I felt most confident about my chances of being cast in this one. It's their outreach (free to the public) production, at the public park in San Jose, and I'd performed in the outreach show the last two years so I figured if anything, I'd be placed there again. The reads were fun, but nothing to write home about. At least I felt like the director and AD were watching me, and occasionally they laughed when our scenes took a funny turn. So, I didn't expect anything major but I figured they always need people for the outreach show, and I'm loud and not above manual labor, so...yeah.

My LIZZIE: The Musical audition was that same afternoon, after Merry Wives. Turns out my belting mix isn't as strong as I'd hoped, lol. But it motivates me to seek additional vocal training, which can't hurt, in any case.

I heard back first about LIZZIE. News started trickling in from other people about the Shakespeare season, but it was very staggered. I hadn't heard and hadn't heard, and then it occurred to me that I might be slotted as a second or third choice for a role (that they were waiting to hear back from someone, and that if that someone turned them down, their role would be offered to me.) Still nothing. And then, a couple of Fridays ago, I got the offer email and I seriously felt like my heart would explode (I still get as excited about casting news at 32 as I did when I was 9...I don't know that it will ever change.)

I was offered the role of Christiane in Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Suicide Club.

If you don't know the play, this character is very much the damsel archetype, very beautiful and tragic and French. It's basically the type of role I'm never considered for, since childhood (mentioned in, I believe, the very first entry of this blog.)

And it was like my brain was split in two: one side was going "Oh holy crap! YAY! That's amazing, that never EVER happens, how freaking cool, this is going to be so fun"

And the other side was going ".......no Shakespeare? Really? Fuck..."

I'd let my ego run away from me, and thus robbed myself of walkaway power. I took it for granted that they'd want me in at least one (if not both) Shakespeares. That was the wrong thing to do, and it was something *I* did wrong and I recognize that (nobody did me any injustice, no one robbed me of anything, no one denied me something I'd earned.) But it still stung pretty hard.

Of course I accepted Christiane, but not without nervousness. Remember, I had not read against any men that they were considering for the show, and this character has a love interest (one of the main non-Holmes characters in the plot). How was that going to shake out?

Well, our first day in Seattle, I found out - we finally got a full cast list (which I promptly swapped with friends for the full lists of Hamlet and Merry Wives, because come on...that's what you do). Sherlock has what appears to be a really good solid cast. Lots of people I know, a few people I adore and am super excited to perform with again (including Barb Heninger, who played The Soothsayer in Julius Caesar last summer and whom I've known for years - she is incredible).

Barb and me as Soothsayer and Portia, Julius Caesar 2016

And I officially have three months to either get over my anxiety, shut the fuck up, and deal, or lose another hundred pounds, because the actor playing Nicholas (Christiane's fiancee and a leading role in this story), is a really cool talented multifaceted performer...who is about half my size. I saw his name on the cast list and went "he's really good, he's the right choice for the role, wtf am I doing on this list, I'm going to look like fucking Monstro the Whale" etc. etc. I'm sure anyone who's struggled with their size can relate.

It's one of the things I was concerned about when I initially read the role with readers - had they read me against this actor I don't think they would have considered me. So on the one hand, it's a great opportunity and one I wouldn't otherwise have. On the other, I have a sinking feeling that we'll get to the first rehearsal and they'll realize their mistake in casting me, and that they're basically stuck with me. 

It's 99.9% likely this is all in my head. But I think we all know there's a smidge of truth in it. Sigh.

In any case, I am motivated to do everything within my power to make this role, and the production, shine: I've studied and written out my lines (I bought the script to read last year in order to prep for auditions), I've restarted my Duolingo in French (where I was previously just practicing my Spanish) and I tested up to a higher intermediate level than I thought, which was kind of cool. I've also downloaded and been studying Gillian Lane-Plescia's French Accents for Actors (if anyone out there needs help with dialects, GLP IS THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS.)

I want to be off-book and phonetically correct by the table read. If I'm feeling saucy, I want to be memorized in French as well as English (although after years of no practice, my interpretation skills are pretty crap.)

For all that I feel not-beautiful-enough, and for all that I was disappointed to not be performing in a Shakespeare play this summer,...

I am happy and excited and terrified to take on the challenge of playing Christiane in Sherlock Holmes. I'm eagerly prepping, and impatient for rehearsals to begin mid-June. I'm grateful that someone thought I could take on this role. I'm thankful to be included in their season. I'm overjoyed to be returning to Sanborn Park.

And I am *very* motivated to continue with my health and fitness efforts. 💖

I Love Food And I'm Not Sorry. (Whole50, Day 2)

Omigoodness. Our weeklong crazy whirlwind of a trip to Seattle for Filmapalooza 2017 was outstanding and fun and completely exhausting. I arrived home two evenings ago and I was WIPED OUT, and (to be completely honest) ready to start another wholesomething - a week of bingeing on delicious sugar and grains and cheese and booze was glorious, but left me feeling pretty icky and ready to clean up my belly again.

But I'm not sorry I did it. I enjoyed some amazing foods while on this trip. From pork cheek confit hash and eggs at Toulouse Petit, to spaghetti myzithra with lamb at Athina's, to the most incredible pho I've ever had at a hole-in-the-wall next to our hotel whose name escapes me, to crispy duck with Brussels sprouts at Pesos, to a massive burger and a Rubynator (half ruby red ale, half terminator stout) at McMenamin's (oh god how I've missed you McM), to pineapple cupcakes at our hotel, to breakfast macaroni and cheese with eggs at Serendipity. SO. MUCH. AMAZING. FOOD.

Seeing so many incredible, masterful short films over a few days was amazing, as was exploring the city of Seattle with friends (shout out to the best travel buddy in the world, my girl Jen!), and the group of us had a blast watching the winning shorts and supporting the movie we worked on, Stonewood. If you click the Filmapalooza link and scroll down past the video to the fourth photo, you'll see Jen and me along with our director, AD, and city producers. We're like so famous, you guys.

I'm back on track yesterday and today, for a 50-day program this time. This one ends in late April, in time for our first of two Ashland trips to OSF this year (yaaaayyyyyy, we're seeing their whole season again) so hopefully I'll kick some of this bloat and lose a few more pounds in the meantime.

I haven't worn my FitBit in AGES and I'm off my running training by a lot. However, I can't do the same running routine I've been doing (running the Coyote Creek Trail during the day at work), because I've been making it a habit to be more professional-looking (hair done, makeup done, etc) all day at work. And while I was able to shower post-run before, I can't exactly do my hair the way I'd like while I'm here. Explanation: for the past several weeks I have been foregoing the straightening iron in favor of encouraging my naturally-wavy hair to curl. Some days are more successful than others. But it requires a lot more time in the morning.

I just ordered an expensive (supposedly amazing) blow-dryer and diffuser today, so I'm excited to try that technique to save some time and hopefully improve the overall look.

Back to the grocery store tonight to stock up on things! Have I MENTIONED how much I love my Instant Pot? Because I do. It's awesome. My friend Melissa at work and I talked another guy in our department into buying one today, because that's how much we love it.

Butter Chicken and Other Chicken Things (Whole40, Day 36)

Thank you for your patience while I spent time away from writing and doing other crazy scattered things. (I am working on saying "thank you" instead of "I'm sorry" where appropriate).

Last night was my first attempt at Indian cuisine, and my friend Melissa sent me this amazing recipe for Whole30-friendly Instant Pot Butter Chicken.

The prep was what took the most time, but it ended up being totally worth it. Super delicious, hearty and mildly spicy, with just the right amount of dense "heavy" feeling. Next time I'll definitely use more chicken to make it more stew-y and less soup-y, but for a first try: YUM. (note: I couldn't find fenugreek so I left that out, but everything else worked just fine.)

This Saturday is my one day off between Whole40 and Whole10 and I don't think I've looked forward to a single day off this much in a LONG time. I want Dutch apple pie from Black Bear Diner. I want pizza with macaroni and cheese from Milias. I want brownie bars. I want a cheeseburger. SO MUCH WANT.

My friend Jenny and I have signed up for the Shamrock Run 15K, to make up for the fact that we didn't technically run a 15K for Hot Chocolate back in January. It's next month and I'm not prepared to run the whole thing, so I will be going slow and steady in order to finish strong.

This past few weeks have been a whirlwind, what with callbacks for Hamlet, The Merry Wives of Windsor (rebranded as The Real Merry Housewives of Windsor), and Sherlock Holmes and the Adventure of the Suicide Club; an audition for LIZZIE the Musical, performances of The Country House, work, ...what else... all sorts of craziness. Oh! I've also been experimenting with wearing my hair naturally curly (I've been straightening it for years) and some days it looks great while other days it's a complete disaster. I'm learning what method works best for me. Always learning.

Ditto with makeup and nice work-clothing. Trying to be a better adult. Sometimes succeeding. Sometimes.

Filmapalooza is coming up fast! Jen and I are excited to go to Seattle and support Stonewood, the movie we were in for San Jose's 48 Hour Film Project last year. We leave on the 28th, and hopefully I'll know about casting for the summer shows by then, so...crazy.

Always with the crazy ._o

Thanks for reading.

Beginning (Yet) Again. (Whole40, Day 1)

And we're back.

The San Francisco Hot Chocolate 15K was insane. We got horrible storms this weekend and the course was actually shortened to about 9.8K...so technically I didn't run a full 15K but I don't know that I would have been able to anyway. I undertrained, and my knee was giving me a lot of problems, and the rain and wind were miserable. Also nearly the entire course was uphill. GRAAAHHHHHH.

I was happy to finish the (shortened) course and get my medal and my chocolate, but even happier to get a shower in my crappy hotel room. Getting my sodden cold wet gear off and washing with hot water was outstanding, followed by nice warm dry clothes. My friend Jenny and I hung around in San Francisco for a few hours, which was much more fun than the run itself: she took me to a few of her favorite haunts in Hayes Valley, and we had an amazing lunch and some awesome ice cream and sweets.

Yesterday was my "day off" after the Whole5 and before the Whole40 which began today. I knew today's weigh in (my first since Christmas Eve) would be disappointing, but I didn't know how much so: I've gained 13.8 pounds since my last official weigh in and several inches all over the place (some I suspect is bloat, some is actual fat.) Just. Fuck. Ugh.

Anyway I'm glad I weighed in and measured, to give me a jumping-off point. I'm hoping to knock off 14 lbs during this 40-day period, which I know is a long shot but I gotta fuckin' try.

This morning for breakfast I had spaghetti squash with my homemade meaty tomato sauce. It was my first time trying the recipe and I really liked it; I'll definitely be making it again. I cooked the squash in my new Instant Pot, which is awesome and so super helpful. Worth every ounce of hype.

Rehearsals are back under way for The Country House, work is semi-organized chaos as always, and I'm about halfway through one of the year's "big books," Anna Karenina. It's not at all what I expected, and I find myself getting peeved more often than I should. I'm enjoying Levin's storyline much more than Anna's.

Auditions for summer Shakespeare are in about two weeks and I'm pretty nervous. I want very much to be a part of the action this season. Other than that...I've decided to take a week off of running and then start the Half Marathon (13.1) training program over again. I don't have a Half Marathon coming up, but it was helpful in getting me running comfortably and it'll keep me limber in case I sign up for shorter runs (like The Color Run) during the year.

Sorry for the disjointed post. I'm not feeling myself today.

Seventeen (Whole5, Day One)

What's up? I haven't visited this blog since last year HA HA HA...ok no more dad jokes, down to business.

2016 was a frustrating year overall, and I will be using my frustration to channel positive actions in 2017. But! I do not want to discount (or forget) the cool stuff that happened, including:

1. A bunch of running "firsts"
1. First official 5K event, The Color Run in San Jose
2. First runDisney event, the 5K at Disneyland Paris
3. First Half Marathon, Disneyland Paris Inaugural Half
4. First runDisney Challenge medal (Castle to Chateau, at the Avengers Half in Anaheim)
5. First Turkey Trot (also first 10K!) on Thanksgiving in San Jose
2. Kept the weight off for the whole year (110+ lbs)
3. Saw all eleven shows in Oregon Shakespeare Festival's 2016 season, and re-upped my membership with them
4. Performed in two plays for Shakespeare in the Park (a leading role in one and an iconic supporting role in the other)
5. Performed in "A Christmas Carol" for the third year running, in an all-new track
6. Got one step closer to actually becoming Lisa Simpson (& fulfilled a lifelong dream)
7. Cleaned out my closet, made a bunch of lists, learned a few amazing new recipes and in general set up for progress in 2017

I love the number 17. I always have. The last few years I guess it's been at the back of my mind that I want to make 2017 an easy fun year for myself. But it doesn't look like it'll be that way. So I've spun it in a new direction: I'm spending 2017 taking care of myself and my life and the people around me. 2017 is about self-support and self-love (including the occasional tough love). Starting with food (because, as we've heard so many times, It Starts With Food.)

This year's WholeSchedule is as follows:

• Whole5: Jan 3-7
• (Day off Jan 8 for the Hot Chocolate 15K)
• Whole40: Jan 9-Feb 17
• (Day off Feb 18 for closing of The Country House)
• Whole10: Feb 19-28
• (5 Days off for Seattle trip and Filmapalooza)
• Whole50: Mar 6-Apr 24
• (5 Days off for Ashland Trip I)
• Whole75: Apr 30-Jul 13
• (5 Days off for my 33rd birthday)
• Whole60: Jul 19-Sep 16
• (8 Days off for Ashland Trip II)
• Whole60: Sep 25-Nov23 includes Thanksgiving
• (Day off for Slack Friday)
• Whole30: Nov 25-Dec 24 includes Christmas Eve
• The rest of the year off for Christmas, New Year's, and prep for 2018

If all goes to plan this'll put me at 330 days total for the whole year, which beats my current best record of 300 days and will hopefully help me get some more of this weight off. I'm very happy I didn't gain it back this year but am not pleased that so much of it is still kicking around. I'm not close to goal weight and I don't like this plateau thing.

In addition to the eating, my vision for 2017 includes:

• Brown bagging my lunches to work (and dinners to rehearsal) every day
• Learning to lift weights in order to crosstrain with the running (and hopefully break the weight-loss plateau)
• Continue learning to run and earn 3 more medals (Hot Chocolate 15K, The Color Run, and another Turkey Trot are what I'm aiming for, although something else might come up)

It's off to a pretty good start:

Today's lunch includes two Instant Pot creations, curried broccoli soup and braised kale and carrots, recipes courtesy of Nom Nom Paleo. I got the Instant Pot for Christmas and I. Am. Obsessed.

Although, it is raining outside so I don't know if I'll be able to get a run in. Foo. I'll figure something out.

I *still* have to recap the Disneyland Avengers Half Marathon Weekend, and probably the Turkey Trot, as well. Not sure if anyone's reading this but if you are, please know that I'm on it and I appreciate your patience.

I guess that's it for today! I'm going to be better about record-keeping so you should see more of me than last year.

Happy New Year, friends!

Wholesome Thing (Whole25, Day 21)

I can't believe it took me this long to realize that "whole something" (wholesomething), as I've been calling my stints of Whole30-style eating, can also be read as "wholesome thing." Both of them work.

Kind of like one of my favorite riddles: "iamnowhere". It can either be "I Am Nowhere" or "I Am Now Here." I guess it's not really a riddle but more of a game of perspective. And it's resonated with me, particularly over the past year or so as I've been working hard to make change within myself.

Anyway. I'm on the home stretch of this Wholesome Thing and very much looking forward to some treats and rest over Christmas Weekend. A Christmas Carol has been a challenge, but the friends I have in the cast are a saving grace and can make me laugh like a maniac even when I'm ready to cry or throw a shoe otherwise.

I ran today with only music (not running an app to track my pace or distance.) I've run the Coyote Creek Trail so many times, I was comfortable mapping it in my head with landmarks instead of relying on the audio prompts from my phone. Still, it was a little weird to be in complete control and not check my phone sixty times towards the end to see if I could walk yet. I'd planned to turn around "at the end of the underpass" and stop running "at the sharp right turn headed back to work" so running towards that and not based on the electronic thing in my pocket was...different. Not better or worse, per se. But I kind of liked it. And I like the idea of being more in-control with my training. Now I'm feasting on chicken and green beans (hooray for slow cooker batch-cooking) and thinking about the big 15K in January. I'd like to be able to run the whole thing, even if my pace isn't as high as it was for the 10K in November. My right knee is feeling a little bit better as I run, too.

The world continues to baffle and scare me. There is so much good that is so easily overshadowed by hate and stupidity. It makes me appreciate my family, friends, work, and hobbies more. I have kind of a "I want to relish what I enjoy while I still can" attitude lately. It's helping me get through the greater crush of generalized depression. I'm hoping that the nutritious eating and continued exercise through running will also help.

Something Small (Whole25, Day 14)

I ran today. On the Coyote Creek Trail during my afternoon work break.

It isn't much, and my iPhone app spazzed out on me so I'm not sure how accurate any of my times were, but what matters to me is I ran.

I'll run again tomorrow. And the next day too.

I'm ok. I got this. I'm ok.

Moody and Blue (and red and green). (Whole25, Day 11)

I like the number 11. So, as stupid as this may sound, it cheered me up a little to check my calendar and see that today's Day 11 of this Whole25.

I've been feeling fairly disgusting lately - the eating is going all right, but I haven't been exercising regularly and with the show at night I haven't been wearing makeup to work; after piling the Ben Nye onto my face in the evenings my skin is acting out again, and my hair just feels greasy and nasty no matter what I do, and monthly girl-time has just left me feeling gross and bloated and awful.

My experience this year with A Christmas Carol was vastly different than it was the past two years. Granted, a lot of it probably had to do with my moods and state of mind (which have not been altogether positive in the last few weeks considering my extremely disenchanted revelations about my country and the --continuous, unending, daily-- farcical announcements of who's being brought along in the steaming dumptruck of regress making its way to the White House.) This year's director is much-beloved by many people whom I care about, and respect. This was my first time working with him in any capacity. It's lonesome feeling like I can't vent about the experience at the risk of offending people on the other side of the table (or those who love them.) But it happens sometimes. And I guess it's important - I have been very spoiled on past projects, and not every theatrical experience is going to be great. I knew that, but I'd forgotten it. And my own shitty attitude has not helped matters lately. At least the show is open now. We've had two performances so far, and with tonight, Saturday and Sunday we'll have five under our belts, then two much-needed nights off before starting the second weekend. I have a feeling I'll be feeling much more positive after Sunday's matinee. And I should point out that there are numerous people in this cast who are both incredibly good friends, great performers, and ridiculously funny people to boot. That has been massively helpful.

I haven't bought groceries or batch-cooked in...god, I don't know how long. I've been eating a lot of grocery-store "snack" lunches, and Chipotle salads. It burns through my food budget much faster than I would like. I think, I need to just make a long list, hit the store, and spend an afternoon cooking, but then I look at my calendar and think and when are you planning on doing that, stupid? I feel like I'm booked wall-to-wall.

I *think* I will have time to hit the grocery store tomorrow between my 3:30 end time for the fundraiser where I'm assisting, and my 6:30 call time for A Christmas Carol. I won't have time to actually COOK anything, mind you. But I can at least get the groceries. Then maybe...I don't know, get up early on Sunday before the matinee and try and cook as much as possible? Sunday evening I have rehearsal in Gilroy, so it can't be afterwards. And I really do need to be better about going to bed on time and getting adequate sleep.

Usually when I'm on a WholeSomething my moods are more even-keeled. I wonder if my bitchery has built up an immunity to my nutritious diet, the way bacteria can build up an immunity to certain antibiotics.

Here is a list of things I would like to accomplish in the next week:

• Pack lunches (and dinners when needed) for each workday
• Do a training run on my lunch break each day at work, on the Coyote Creek trail
• Finish at least 2 more books to stay on track for my 2016 reading goal
• Send the director/ producer my bio for The Country House (I'm already several days late on this; I should do it right after I post this blog entry)
• Write the blog entry for the Super Heroes Half
• Write the blog entry for the Turkey Trot 10K
• Order Christmas presents on Amazon
• Stay positive (or at least calm) for the next full weekend of Christmas Carol and resist the temptation to bitch, moan, or snark, even internally

I look at this list and it looks like a lot, but it's not too scary...actually, I feel a little better looking at it and I think I can get this done in a week. Some of it I can do immediately.

Side note before I wrap this up: thank you, thank you, MY HEARTFELT THANKS TO YOU, Kristina of Kristina Running, for recommending the podcast My Dad Wrote a Porno to me. It has provided me big silly loud laughs when I needed them the very most.

Two race recaps on their way. I miss Ambien. I had a huge breakfast-for-lunch and I'm not sorry.

Happy Friday.